Feel a strange sense of self-loathing and probably need to see a counsellor - incredibly long and don't blame anyone who doesn't want to read it

[arabella2]

Background is that since my middle daughter was in nursery two years ago (she is just now finishing year 1), have had "crush" on nursery teacher which I suppose I have used as a crutch to deal with a lot of things in my life or mainly the problems I have within my relationship with dh. One member of staff at our nursery is the lsa who was with my ds (now 8) when he was in reception - she is an outspoken and funny person whom not everybody warms to as she can be quite opinionated but I have mostly found her to be kind, helpful and easy to talk to. So now each of my 3 kids has had her as a "teacher" as she is now in the nursery, my middle dd was there two years ago and my youngest is just finishing in the nursery now. She's not the person I have a crush on but is central to my liking for nursery or my slight obsession with nursery... anyway at least with her I do feel there is some kind of (school based) friendship. The person I've got the crush on or have had the crush on is the actual teacher who has been in nursery since middle dd started. He's kind of relaxed and very kind to the kids and got a thoughtful kind of perceptive presence as well as a kind of open demeanour and nice smile. However he is also quite distant with parents in lots of ways - if you have a question he is very helpful, but the lsa is the person that most people tend to talk to - there are also other members of staff who are kind...

Anyway have had this crush for a while and in many ways it helped me get through time which has been I suppose quite mundane/tedious in that I could fantasize about this person and I always knew (in the year long gap between my two daughters being at nursery) that I would be seeing him every day again when last daughter in nursery. So in this sense it has been a crutch because my relationship with dh is not fantastic - I find him overwhelming and domineering and have distanced myself from him a lot.

Don't really know how to express all of this - I can no longer think - oh well I will see said teacher in nursery every day next year (and when I say see I don't mean necessarily talk to, I just mean bask in presence of his personality) so I will be fine, because there IS no nursery for us next year, that's it.
I suppose if it was just this maybe I could deal with it but somehow I feel this horrible sense of self-loathing at the moment and don't even really know how to talk about it...

2 or 3 months ago I started volunteering at the school in year 6 - helping one boy who came to this country in february and who needs extra english practice (I used to teach english as a foreign language). The year 6 teacher is the mother of one of the little girls in nursery so this is how this came about. Next year I will be doing more volunteering, this time mostly in reception, as well as an Open University course, with a view to getting a job as a teaching assistant hopefully the academic year after next. I won't necessarily be able to get a job in the kids' school as the competition is always quite fierce, but I think it's nice that I am able to volunteer there.

I like being in the school environment and I like the kids and in many ways I am sure becoming a teaching assistant would really suit me. Part of me does feel slightly "fraudulent" when I am at the school because I am there "for free" if you see what I mean and not because I was picked in an interview. Anyway I think the little boy I am helping with English has benefited from the extra attention as his teacher (mother of child in nursery) says that he has become a lot more confident about talking in class. Part of me also wonders how much I wanted to volunteer in the school because of possible proximity with nursery teacher, and I have been thinking that as well as volunteering in reception next year I could tell the nursery that I could help them out next year if they ever need extra staff (which they fairly often do and quite often have students etc... in). Anyway the school is also where my 3 children go, I know more and more kids there and I suppose it is everybody's school - kids, parents, teachers etc... and as such I have as much right to volunteer there as anybody else.

This is turning into the longest post ever. I don't quite know how to explain how important nursery has been to me and even more this year than 2 years ago as have made quite a few new parent friends this time round and in a way it is as the centre of my social life because I will see these other mothers there every day at the 11.45 pick up etc... One of them is one of my best friends.

I suppose I have had to realise that said teacher does not spend time noticing me or thinking about me as I liked to fantasize he did... and it feels painful. In addition am feeling as if my dependence on nursery has been noticed by lsa as she cracks jokes about me not being able to survive without the nursery homework (last week they didn't give any out) ... which I am not totally comfortable with as I don't actually want anyone there to know that the place matters to me that much.

Recently youngest daughter has started going through a bit of a down patch where she is no longer happy to go and sit on the carpet (she was like this at first but then went through a very confident patch where she just said goodbye to me and sat with her friends)... she told me that she "hated" 2 of her best friends and also seemed tired. On one particular day she cried when I left her and teacher had to pull her from me. Then when I was at the photocopier (I was volunteering on that morning) I had a direct view into the nursery playground and could see her sitting by herself looking really miserable and not playing with any of her usual friends. So given the background of "falling out" with two friends (whom she is now friends with again), and fact that she was again so difficult to leave in the mornings plus fact that I saw her sitting alone looking so tired and kind of fed up - I did ask the teacher about her. I told him I had seen her from photocopier and must have sounded mad but I did try to set the context of issues with friends plus crying in the mornings - he said she had not been moping all morning so fair enough. (However part of the reason I was feeling worried about her is that he himself had told me the previous week that she had wanted to go home and had been quiet, plus he also told middle daughter that she had been asking for me - this is just before she was ill for a couple of days so maybe she was behaving like that because of feeling rubbish). Anyway do wonder if staff now think I am mad as lsa today referred to conversation I had with teacher about dd moping, saying that the rest of the time she would have been playing and I had only seen her for that second. I agree with this and told her soand again set the context for being worried.

Anyway, don't know what I am going on and on about - just that I feel vulnerable and lonely. Today while at photocopier again said teacher turned up to get some printouts and I was so shocked to see him there (he's never there at the same time as me) that I couldn't think of the first thing to say - nothing. He made some comment about the photocopier printing or not and I said "I don't know" without even looking at him. Feel like a total idiot and also fraudulent because part of me knows that he is one of the reasons I wanted to be around the school - his presence is somehow comforting. This is too bizarre however because he is not part of my life and it is ridiculous to worry so much about what one person may or may not think. The worst thing about it being that I don't think he thinks anything about me at all... Should also say that have generally been good and helpful parent and said nice things about all the staff in our report feedback sheet.

Anyway, all this has I supposed tapped into old feelings of inadequacy and self-dislike that I am finding really painful. In a way I feel detached from my actual life with dh for example as I find him so annoying in some respects (and we are not emotionally close which is I think what I find the hardest), on the other hand at least he is a real flesh and blood person and not a fantasy. So I am thinking I should find a counsellor to thrash it all out with as cannot believe I could become so obsessed with something that is not real and feel lonely and mad. I suppose we are facing the long summer with much less social contact because of no school and that is difficult too.

If you have actually read this far and not fallen asleep, please don't say anything too critical as I don't think I could take it.

Thanks for all the latest messages which I haven't responded to yet. This thread has been really helpful for me because I have felt listened to, some of my paranoia has gone and people have put real time and effort into making suggestions and understanding what I have been saying so thanks a lot . Also I can re-read it if I need encouragement so that's great too.

To answer some of the points made - I don't spend that much time with the student - I do it on a Monday (for just under 2 hours), on a Tuesday (for 1.5 hours) and on a Wednesday (for just under 2 hours). Also, it's not paid work so in a sense I am being kinder to the outside world than to my home one because that time could be spent dealing with house but it isn't.

I think I identify most with your most recent post 1foot where you say "Indeed, if this is the "stick he uses to beat you with" , and you feel very stuck with it, the situation seems "entrenched" he is communicating with you on this matter in a method that isn't gaining results.

For you to take control of this it will "shift" and that he wont be able any more to use this to criticise. I would be quietly making efforts slowly and not do a big song and dance over it as it sounds rather like its a big job." And it is also totally true that "it seems like you have been out of control and unable to control this task and this has led to criticism as opposed to understanding."

Dh's domestic contribution is to do quite a lot of cooking at the weekends which is great but everything else is kind of my responsibility - I think he would do big jobs like mopping all of downstairs but gets annoyed by clutter and so doesn't do it. If he ever does do it then part of his job includes him moaning and moaning about stuff on floor and threatening to throw it away so I'd rather he didn't do the mopping. Not that I do it either. He does work really hard and I am at home more so I think it's right that more of the home stuff should be for me. The one thing that annoys me is that when I am putting kids to bed he rarely deals with dinner plates etc.... which would be very easy to do.

The thing about my day is that I get very tired just from the various drop offs and pick ups (one drop off at 8.45, a pick up at 11.45 and another pick up at 3.15 like a lot of people I am sure). In between those I seem to only have the energy to make sure the kitchen is okay and to feed and look after kids. I don't know how people do more than that. On the other hand the bathroom needs a clean / tidy and I don't know why I don't knuckle down and do that as and when it needs it as it doesn't take long. I seem to be overcome by an odd combination of apathy and fear. In fact it would be interesting to know how people do look after their homes schedule wise and how much they manage to do and maybe that's another thread.

Thanks for your comments re fitting in elsewhere, and about being kind to myself Eldritch.

Attila and mathanxiety thank you for your most recent posts as well. I think exactly how much progress dh and I can actually make will become much clearer when I sort out our environment to an extent, not just so that he is nicer to me but so that we can all be happier and think more clearly. The thing is I know other people with 3 kids doing the same things that I do who do manage to have clean / tidy homes so it must be possible????
Part of the reason I get demoralised is that when I do make an effort he often won't see it, so you kind of think why bother???? But if things were consistently better over a period of time then I'm sure some of that harmony would filter through to him. It is true that a lot of the clutter is mine so that initial clear our has to be my thing (also because I don't want him throwing my stuff away) but after that it may be that we can both muck in with cleaning jobs to keep the house, well, clean! One of the reasons our house is cluttered is because I find it hard to get rid of stuff which has any kind of memory attached to it - especially with regards to the kids - does anybody else have this problem? Again, probably another thread.

Thanks again for your help everybody.

mathanxiety - sorry about your ex and his "why can't you ever put anything away" comments... can relate.

"One of the reasons our house is cluttered is because I find it hard to get rid of stuff which has any kind of memory attached to it - especially with regards to the kids - does anybody else have this problem? Again, probably another thread."

Arabella if they are paintings, letters and so on, could you scrapbook them into something that youll actually sit down and appreciate in years to come? Or could you scan or photograph items before you dispose of them, and make a memory book.

I have seen this
and I thought it was lovely and quite straight forward it seems to use?

I was inspired greatly by an exhibition I saw a few years ago called something "things I have thrown away" or something and the artist had photgraphed everything- I liked the message which seemed to be the detritus around us most of which is useless or performs no purpose. If you keep things for the memories then frame them, scrapbook them. I have a pile of stuff ( tickets, wristbands, leaflets) that fit into the memory category and they are all getting put in a photo album.

I am also in the process of scanning in lots of old documents to the PC, things like old phone bils and so forth, that to be fair Ill never need I dont think but I much prefer to shred them and get rid of them.

Flylady says that once you have deep cleaned eg the bathroom.then a 5 minute "swipe" every day will keep on top of it. Then plan in a deep clean once every X amount of time to do tiles, floor, shelves cabinet etc. I always do the bathroom sink at night and the loo sink and loo every morning. It doesn't take long and keeps it manageable.

If your husband is happy to do cleaning then this "clear space" should give him no reason not to swipe over daily if you are doing another task. I don't have children though, and I would say that as far as it possible engage your children in the tidying tasks they CAN do for their age.

I am finding the whole journey- and it really is a journey, like a butterfly coming out of its cocoon. I truly hope you will too.

Love 1 foot x

Arabella,
Short stints work for me. It is AMAAAAZING what you can get done in 10-20 minutes. And I always 'reward' myself with reading time, or just a quick cup-of-tea-and-a-sit-down' ((c) my MIL).

If money allows I would talk to DH about buying some storage to help organise things-whether toy boxes, a linen cupboard, whatever. That really helps.

Getting on top of the house may or may not help with your DH, but do it for you as well, because you deserve to live in a nice place just as much as anyone else in the family. Oh, and buy yourself some flowers today. Just because.

Thanks guys. The scrapbook idea is a good one, just don't know where to start, there seems to be so much stuff! Ditto the short stints but feel like I have to have a big cleanout first before I can move on to the stints. Thanks both of you for your kindness - truly appreciated and feel like it's given me leeway to start on the task at hand (sounds a bit odd I know).

Arabella I totally agree with this.

I would get hold of some shoe boxes or similar ( if you dont have any?) and then the items that you might wish to scrapbook or save you can just put in there and save for a later date. YOu dont need to scrapbook right now, or even decide what to do with them ( formats) just collect them up.

I found it really useful to
break the house down into real small parts as Eldrich says.

So the bathroom was broken down into
bath & shower curtain
tiles
sink
cabinet & skirting
shelves
carpet/flooring

As Eldrich says, these tasks are about 15-20 mins max tasks.

A porch might be
glass doors
post leaflets and other crap
shoe rack
anything that shouldn't live there remove/bin/place in the general area where you want it to be kept.

Id also trick/play myself and do the easiest bit last, So it was tiles first. and cabinet/shelves last. Throwing out the grotty stuff as I went. It was ( adn still is) great to find things I forgot I had, just today I found a No7 toiletries set I forgot about totally

Youll know your home, do you have a utility, storage cub, hallway, landing, porch? Everyone's house is different. You might find that youll need things as you go on, but dont sweat it, such as coat hooks, a shoe rack, dont stop just write it down, and carry on with your task. ( i used to stop thinking , well there is no point to do this yet as I dont have XYZ to make it tidy)

I found it most useful to deal with the smallest room on the house first ( bathroom in my case)

I find list writing in the notebook most useful, as if it is a big job you need to really take a deep breath and list every area,
"kitchen drawer", dressing table, windowsill

So each room would have a list of places where crap collects. My bedroom is the worst for some reason: each one listed
Wardrobe
dressing table
sock box
bedside table
other BS table
floor
stool
radiator
sills

A window sill might only take a minute or so to clear, so you can cross this off.

I know some people print these off then cross through each area as they do it.

You might find it useful to take pictures before, to really reflect your achievements as you go, I wish I had done this.

I have another carrier bag of stuff to go to the charity shop today, so feeling rather pleased with myself!

Rooting for you, I hope you get the satisfaction that I have got from taking control of it all it has definitely made things a lot better in my house, for sure.

xx

Thank you very much 1foot. I'll let you know how I get on. Your plan sounds great and I am glad your house feels like a nicer place to live in because of it .

Yes, I really hope it works for you or your own version,

Im thinking of you as im scanning and shredding a load of old bills xx