Sex-free with DP, but clearly ******

[redrobingoesbobbobbobbin]

I'm afraid I'm in a total bind...

Not sure what advice anyone can give me but I'm pretty much in a bad situation and trying to make the best of it.

Back story:

DP and I have been together for nearly 8 years. 2+ years ago we moved from NY to London as he accepted a position here and we were ready for a move.

DP is British and we were able to get the unmarried partner spouse visa as I am American born.

He proposed to me within the first few months and then a few months later said he was not ready (he also quit the job he had accepted), so we should wait. Then he said (repeatedly) once we got pregnant we would get married. I was disappointed after the excitement of an engagement, but agreed and understood.

The following two years have been good in some ways but difficult on our relationship as I had trouble getting pregnant and neither of us have been working - I had to wait on a visa and the past year I was searching for work with unsuccessful results. DP has made very strong investments and is 8 years older than me, so we are financially secure, it is just not ideal... I'm in my 30's

Well - now I am pregnant.

And he hates me.

When I told him we were pregnant he went into a depression, acted like a child, asked for an abortion and basically told me he just never thought we would actually get pregnant. He said he wasn't ready for the responsibility and he wanted to go back to NYC!

He has been so distant, we stopped having sex immediately. He told me he no longer wants me and he "loves me but is not in love with me." I've asked him if he were cheating, he says no. But he does say he is no longer attracted to me now that I'm pregnant. I'm five months. He says now that he wanted to be out of the relationship the last few months but was too afraid to do it.

Then he says he is willing to work on our relationship and he cooks and will even clean and do things for me - he will even kiss and snuggle. But absolutely no sex??!! He says he is not afraid of hurting the baby, he just doesn't want to have sex with me. I've caught him masterbating twice ... once next to me in bed!

HE HAS TOTALLY CHANGED. It's like I don't know him. I cannot believe this is even happening. He was never like this and even through our difficult times we were always able to work things out through communication, but he does not want to discuss our relationship whatsoever.

I'm so sad for our future baby. I honestly believed we would get pregnant ... and even that we would get married. Now this is a shock and I'm trying to do what is best for me and my child-to-be. I am thrilled to be a mother. I even thought he would be a great father. It's unbelievable to me that this is what I've got to go through.

And socially he wants to act like everything is fine and dandy.

I haven't worked for two years and unfortunately I'm dependent on him financially - I'm planning to have the baby here and then I suppose move out when the baby is a few months old? I'm not expecting him to change when the baby gets here. Even after he has said all of those mean things he does sometimes get excited about the idea of a baby, but now I'm afraid he has something wrong with him.

This is so long now and I'm afraid I can't be on here much longer as he's about to walk in the door from watching football...

Help!

Oh dear. I would just go home and fuck him off, love. I presume you've got family and friends there?

We own a flat together in NY but I do not have maternity insurance there and the flat is rented out...

In fact, I don't have maternity insurance at all in the US and I have support and plenty of friends here in the UK - just not ones who have extra space for a live-in. Especially due in a few months.

Why are you still here with him?

If you can earn money to support yourself and baby in the US, I think you should book a flight now.

If he wants to come with you he will.

im sorry to sound cynical but, if i were you, i would make sure that the baby was born in the usa - you are not married, he sounds a total arse and i have a feeling that in years to come your life, and that of your child, will be a lot easier if a usa passport and citizenship are held.

what's maternity insurance - medical insurance so you can afford to give birth in the states?

If I left today, I would have nearly nothing in the bank, no job, no health insurance to deliver a healthy baby and no place to live!

My father lives in Venezuela and my Mom is in the process of moving... Plus, I don't think it's a good idea to move somewhere random when you're nearly about to have a child.

That's why I have decided to prepare for a child here and make plans when our baby is older, to go back home.

In fact, he wants to go back to NY as soon as the baby is 6 months.

Hard as it sounds, I would try and rent somewhere by myself for a while. It's not uncommon for men to be put off sex during pregnancy, but there are other indications that all is not as it seems in his head. Give him a bit of space and time, and reassess when you are ready. But don't make it too easy for him.

The baby can have US and UK citizenship. In fact, that's a small incentive to stay. Having UK citizenship might be valuable to the little one one day. Able to live in US and Europe...

And trama - yes, it's medical insurance to afford to give birth in the states.

DP is British and American as well...

But regardless of the citizenship issue - that is not the problem.

I suppose I'm looking more for advice on how to cope with this situation and if anything like this has happened to anyone else...

Having been in a relationship (a loving one!) for so long and now he is totally different. I do not know how to react.

I've sort of distanced myself, LoopyLoops as you suggested.

I am giving him a lot of time and space. I've never been the needy type, but the thought of going through this while pregnant is just heartbreaking.

I suppose I shouldn't have posted this anyway as it seems so obvious to just leave. But I assure you it is not that simple. I've thought it over. Plenty.

Have I missed this somewhere but I don't think the problem is the babies nationality but the mothers? If the OP splits up with her partner, surely she will lose her visa status here and have to go back to the US which she can't do for practical reasons as she has no home there and no insurance?

This man just wanted you as a free housekeeper and isn't prepared to share your services with a baby. The fact that he kept backing down on his promise to marry you suggests that, for whatever reason, he has never seen you as a lifetime commitment (though the thing about waiting till you are PG to marry is a bit odd - has one or both of you had health issues that might have made it likely you would not get PG without medical intervention? Because it sounds like he made that offer with a strong expectation that pregnancy just wouldn't happen...)
However, there is a baby on the way and he is legally responsible for contributing towards its upkeep. I would suggest you get some legal advice or consult Citizens Advice about what benefits, etc you might be entitled to, but don't waste any more time and energy trying to make this man 'love' you when he doesn't.

SGB talks sense.
Do you have close friends you can stay with or go to for help? You need to physically distance yourself and get on with enjoying (~? I hated mine) your pregnancy.

I don't have any useful advice redrobin but I just wanted to say, my heart goes out to you .

What do you mean by something wrong with him - mental health issues?

I wouldn't despair of him sorting himself out after the child is born but I have to say I am horrified at the thought of you coping with a newborn with him trying to find himself in the same house Did he seriously think he was still 18 or something?

I think I would suggest relationship counselling, because you sound like you still want this to work (and who can blame you) and I think there is hope for him, if he can actually stop focusing on himself for two bloody minutes.

But it might be more satisfying to just have some serious adult discussion, at the top of your voice. Because he needs to get with the programme, face up to the fact that he's about to become a father, and start supporting, and shagging, his partner. Willing to work on the relationship indeed - whoop di doo.

Sorry, as I said, not very helpful. I just really feel for you.

redrobin, are you in touch with his family? Are they supportive to you? I think if I were you I might go and see my inlaws, if they are at all nice to me. My inlaws are very loyal to my dh but they also know a lot about his ishoos and are pretty loyal to me as well - maybe you haven't realised just how important you are to them now that you are about to have a grandchild? Even if the relationship hasn't been the closest in the past, maybe go and see them. I'm not saying that you should expect them to take sides with you, but you may find that they can at least offer you some support. Family is important, especially when yours is on another continent (presumably).

Otherwise, could your Mum come and see you/you go over to see her for a bit?

Sorry if neither of you has living or available parents - not meaning to be insensitive.

Sorry but I think you hve been in total denial about this man's feelings for you. You have not been in a loving relationship with him - he backed out of marrying you and made up a condition of getting married - you getting pregnant.

Men who believe in marriage and want to do it because they love th women they want to marry, don't back out of the wedding and don't attach (what they believe to be unlikely) conditions to the wedding.

Accept the fact that the relationship between you and him is over. Concentrate on how you are going to manage his expectation that he will have a relationship with his child.

OP, I don't think your partner is a bad 'un, just that he's not in love anymore.
He's been foolish, yes, but he doesn't sound like a monster- perhaps you and him can talk matters through in a sensible manner?
maktaitai, no offence, but you can't force people into "shagging" each other if they don't wish to.

He's obviously doesn't want you as a romantic partner anymore, OP, I am sorry but it happens.
I think he could be amenable to talking things as regards the break up in a civil manner, though.

Yes, for once I agree with marantha. He doesn't want you as a romantic partner, and you can't force him to. It's unfair and horrible and you came over here for him and got pregnant because he said he wanted a baby too, and it sucks.

But it's done.

I think you need to talk to him about the future, explain that you can't keep living with him (and sharing a bed, especially) under these conditions, and you two need to discuss the finances and future arrangements with regards to the child.

If he's unemployed, he needs to decide whether he's going to be looking for work during your maternity leave or whether he wants to be a SAHD and then you can go back to work - and you need to make reciprocal decisions, obviously. Are you working?

Look at it this way: a lot of women end up single with no money and no support. Worked out correctly, this could end up with relatively amicable parents and shared finances. Or perhaps he's just a shit - it's actually hard to tell from your post.

But the relationship is over, love. He's already said he wanted to end it a while ago.

What is the reason OP he gave for only wanting to marry you if you got pregnant and breaking off the engagement? You say you accepted this, I find this really unusual, am I right then that you were trying for a baby with whom he had broken off the engagement.

Did you talk of why a baby ( arguably a hell of a lot more responsibility than a bit of paper between you)

I guess if you seperate from him you able to use the NHS for childbirth, or are you going to go private/insurance cover?

Good luck OP love from 1foot xx