Husband on sex website

[clairebear28]

Hi

im trying to keep this a brief as possible but a bit of background. i met my husband when i was just 17 him 8 years old, im now 28 so been together nearly 12 years, been married for 4 and have a 5 year old DD

to begin with dh was my best friend, we were inseperable, over the last 5-6 years he has become lazy, just assumes i'll deal with it or do the shopping etc..there is no affection, no kisses, cuddles, he doesnt really tell me he loves me and when i question if he does he says of course i do you know i do. anyway, we rarely have sex, i tend to go to bed before him, he likes to stay up later then me im usually tired. he isnt a nasty man, doesnt hit me, doesnt go out and get drunk all the time, doesnt take drugs, yes he is lazy and yes he does my head in with not making me feel special etc....

in november last year, i found an email of a sex website, i wsnt snooping i was standing over his shoulder and saw it so logged in after he went out to see what it was, i was a bit sneeky and set up a profile and sent him messages which he replied to arranging to meet, i lost my bottle and couldnt go through with totally catching him out so confronted him, he said he joined with the lads at work for some fun and when i questioned him replying he said he knew it was me all along and thought it was fun to reply he also changed his email password...i knew he was lying but couldnt prove it so after him moving out for a week i gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Tonight ive seen another email from a dif website, it looks like he joined around the same time as the last one so it proves as he is on 2 websites its not for a laugh with the blokes at work as i thought......what do i do????? do i just confront him, do i try to catch him out again? do i ignore it???

i have no idea what to do

sorry its long!!!!!! thanks for reading and any replies!!!!

x

Do you want to stay with him?

Are you happy to ignore and spend the rest of your life like this?

Or would it be better to catch him out, and know for sure, and move on from there?

He's an unfaithful twat who has no respect for you.

Sympathies

He's probably not lazy, he's tired from wanking over porn sites all night and dogging outside Tesco at 2am

i have this same type of dilemma about general issues. would be interesting to read the replies...

You said you knew he was lying last time, but you gave him the benefit of the doubt. That's a contradiction. You didn't have any doubt - you knew he was lying to you.

The two most hackneyed and untruthful responses from men caught on dating/escort sites are 1. It was just a bit of a lark with the blokes at work and/or 2. I was just curious. Both are quickly followed up with protestations that they would never have gone through with any meetings, even if dates, times and locations have been agreed.

Added to this, you're in a relationship with a man who is lazy, selfish, unaffectionate and undemonstrative. He doesn't want sex with you either, or he would come to bed at the same time as you occasionally.

I notice your DD is 5 and you say that his behaviour has been this bad for the last 6 years, so roughly coinciding with your pregnancy and him not being the centre of your world any longer. I also wonder whether he has got a madonna/whore complex and associates sex with women who are not mothers.

What ever the motivation, you just cannot bargain away what this means. He is lying to you and keeping secrets from you. He is in all probability unfaithful and given the sites he is using, has probably risked your sexual health.

But like we've been saying on here a lot in the past week, don't see infidelity as being the only deal-breaker here. He broke the vow to cherish you yonks ago.

Get an std test.

This is the worst time, when it's sinking in and you are trying to accept reality, painful and all though it is. You've already gone through many years of feeling you're not that special to him, but you probably thought you could make him change. What this reveals is that it's all out of your hands -- it's never been in your hands anyway.

He has made a lot of decisions over the years about what he would do, regardless of you and the relationship with you. It has been a case of him doing whatever he wanted to do for whatever reasons he had, despite your history together, despite the fact that you have a child.

It's hard for you now to start thinking in terms of "me" and "I" instead of "us" and "we", but that's what you need to start doing (he's been doing it for a long time).

i think i find it so hard to work out what to do because he generally is a nice person, would stop in the street to help someone male or female old or young, I just hate the thught of throwing away nearly 12 years over something that yeah is bad, is disgusting he is on a website looking for sex but if i ignore that and am soooo used to the no affection day to day we can just plod along no real drams, no major arguements etc and i worry im blowing this out of proportion

i havent been happy for a while but deep down always hoped he would make more of an effort but he never listens when i tell him, im scared of what is going to happen, do i give him chance to give me the same excuses as last time or do i just tell him its over.

i cant trust him.........

It's not just the sex website, though, is it? He has let his part of the relationship slide for a number of years..

Now on top of the day-to-day unhappiness that you have got used to you have the lack of trust. And maybe the hurt that he hasn't been living the same life you have been living that he's been checked out for a number of years is that present too?

It is scary and a miserable situation, because making a decision to change your life or face more of the unhappy same is a horrible choice to have to make. xxx

Life's too short to be just 'ok'

You need to find out if he wants the reraltionship to work or not. Don't let yourself be fobbed off with excuses. It might be horrid but it is better IMO to be honest and then see where you can go from there.

Another woman wondering whether she should just "settle for the good bits" of a relationship ?

I assume there are some good bits, because if he was horrible all the time you wouldn't be together. But just how horrible does he have to be before you say "no more..."?

Is MN over-run with women who possess zero self-respect ?

OP, I am really sorry to pounce on your particular sorry story but do you really understand what you are saying ?

You would consider hanging on to this "relationship" in the face of deceit, lies, threats to your sexual health, daily assaults on your sense of well-being etc etc etc. Not to mention the absolutely awful model of what constitutes a normal r'ship for your dd...

Just because this bloke isn't beating seven shades of shit outta you, doesn't mean he isn't abusing you.

Wake up, please

i have been there with a man like this....they dont change or suddenly stop. they get more and more adventurous...and the more fun he has with other women,the more he'll be disatisfied with you

gather up whats left of your esteem and self respect,and get out!! 12 years is nothing in the scheme of things by the way..

wow.....i dont for one second think i am being abused and quite surprised you said that.

Yes he is lazy, he doesnt show me any attention, or interest and generally cant be bothered, i accept that is not how a relationship works and these day to day things to make me very miserable....by saying he isnt a drunk or hitting me i purely meant he is actually a nice person despite being an arse in a relationship....the sex website is something that i cant tolerate but i dont think he has been on there since i caught him last time, this one has just come to light.......

i have self respect, i certainly understand exactly what i am saying, i am with a man who over the years has stopped bothering stoped, showing me he loves me, stoped with affection...yes thats not right but im not a dormat who is blinded that i love him and he will change but because he is a good man, he does occasionally make me laugh when im not angry at the crap etc i worry im making a big deal out of nothing. judging by the replies im not, which is great to know!!

thank you for taking the time to reply [happy]

x

Abuse takes different forms.

IMO, he is abusing you emotionally and sexually. Is that not bad enough for you ?

What do you plan to do ?

AnyFucker, imo it's a bit strong to suggest abuse, & no reason to suppose her sexual health is at risk at this stage. If the relationship has been exclusive from such a young age, I would suppose it to be quite mature by now. He has sought out a bit of porn, big deal, and I'm sure it has caused hurt and disappointment and very likely alarm but I do not think it very unusual for people to be curious about looking for porn on websites. imo it would make a big difference depending on the sort of porn/interest he was seeking. It's not uncommon for one side of a partnership to be more interested in sex at differing times and a little fantasy/porn takes the place of dealing with each others' needs. Dare I suggest you ask him to show you what he has been looking at? He must on some level feel like a naughty boy being caught out. I don't want to get into an argument about the exploitation of women/sex industry, all too deep and does not help.

the sex website isnt a porn site tho.....its where women and men advertise for no strings sex.....in order to cheat....the lazy way

he isnt abusing me physically or sexually, he is actually believe it or not a nice person, i dont think he has met anyone, he never would have the bottle because i know him deep down.....BUT he did go on a website looking for sex and that i cant forgive.

Anyway, everyone has a different opinion on what he has done, what he is or isnt.

I told him tonight im not happy, told him im not sure i love him and he has gone, not sure what that actually means at the moment but he has gone....i feel like 12 years of my life is over, and despite not being happy im sad for what has happened

it is a website looking for sex

unless he is an open relationship, I don't see where that can be any way acceptable

you are also naive if you think this would not escalate to contacting/meeting women

men all say "oh no, I wouldn't meet anyone, I was just curious..."

lying to your partner and making her feel like shit is abusive, IMO, nothing will change that

how are you doing love?

thank you usedtobe for asking how im doing.....im ok, i think deep down i know this is right but im feeling a bit numb right now, ive been with this man for 12 years and right now i just feel sad, sad that it has come to this really. i thought we would grow old together

glad our ok, just stay strong, im in similar situation at the mo so i know how you feel, i try not to dwell on past good times together..
take carexx

You're feeling so empty because something has finally died. You may have felt it was on its last legs, but while there's life there's hope.

Some day you may see this discovery of yours on the computer as a gift that freed you, although it's probably not looking like that now.

I have been where you are now and I am out the other side. I think for me well i know for me the final straw was coming home age 25 and finding my ex-p in bed with a woman - in my bed!
his reaction to me walking in?
"Its not what it looks like"

noooo of course not you needed to fuck her to keep warm as it is so obviously cold indoors!!

Please do listen to AnyFucker because she speaks a hell of a lot of sense.

Grow the backbone to walk away because as has already been said he will if he hasn't already meet with other women and you will be made to feel worse by him.

thats awfull TheLadyEvenstar !

TBH it soudns like this man has been bored with the relationship for ages and the fact that you have finally dare to complain about his lazy,selfish behaviour has given him the excuse to leave.
Good riddance, TBH. THis sounds like a lousy way to live, sharing a house with (and of course servicing) someone who has no respect or affection for you - you will feel much better alone in a very short time. And now is a good time to learn the most important lesson any woman can learn, which is this.
BEING SINGLE IS PERFECTLY OK. HAVING A MAN IS NOT COMPULSORY.
If you can't find a nice man to share your home/life with, being single is a much, much better option than getting stuck with a horrible one.

usedtobe...it taught me one thing though....to be more cautious with who i trust.
It is awful and I would never wsh anyone else to go through it.
But OP you are worth so much more than this