Life feels as if its falling apart.

[Gravitygirl]

Im really struggling here, a few weeks ago I posted about my H confused as to whether he was being EA, things are a little better but not great and to add to the strain of that something else has just hit the fan!

I grew up with a terribly neglectful mother who was an alcoholic and I believe is mentally ill. The pain she has caused me throughout my life is excruciating to think about. I have been seeing a therapist for about 2 years and made the decision to cut her out of my life, to protect me and help me move forward but also to protect my 2 children from any pain related to her.

Anyway, this has been going ok to a point, I have a sis and a bro and bro is typical man , in that none of the shit touches him, it was left for me to deal with and now Im not its fallen on my sis shoulders. She feels an obligation to maintain her relationship with mum, fair enough, that is her decision, it was ok until recently when sis told me she was choosing mum over me and it was too hard with both of us in her life.
A major incident for me! gone totally undisscussed by my dad and brother.

Now the problem is, sis annouces her engagement, I receive a text a week later stating 'do you want to be involved or just a guest, eother way mum is coming'

What the hell am I meant to do, I feel as if Im falling apart.... my life is gong to be constantly affected by the pain of my past

I have cut all ties with my mu,, I cant suddenly play happy families for my sis, let alone the fact she cut my off anyway, but no one will see it like that, I will be the one to blame once again, teh scapegoat. The 'difficult' one

When none of this is my fault, I am so sick of this, what the hell do I do?

seems quite simple to me

you say your sister says she has chosen mum over you and can't cope with both of you in her life

so you don't get invovled, you keep away and protect yourself from more pain

your sister has made it plain she wants a relationship with your mum,knowng it will exlcude you from her life

It is, isnt is Lulumaam, but how do I deal with the fall out of that, the pain of once again the loss of a 'nomal' life where this crap does not happen?

I can see I need to stay away, but it will drive even more of a wedge between me and the little family I have left.

What do I reply to my sisters text?
Sorry for asking questions for what might seem like simple answers, I just dont trust myself to know whats best?

the feelings of 'loss of a normal life' will eventually be replaced by the feelings of having a normal life without this disruptive family behaviour. I believe that if a family are causing you too much upset and stress to be involved with then you will feel better without them in your life. I've had five years without contact with my family which was a hell of a lot less stressful now that I have them occasionally and sporodically in my life.

Can you go to your sister's wedding, congratulate her, tell her she looks beautiful and leave at the end of the day. You know, be the bigger person to just let her wedding not be affected by the situation, even though she said she was cutting you off. Then just come away from the wedding thinking that that is over and done with and you can get on with your own life without them.

Tell her you'd love to come to the wedding, and say thanks for asking. Then they can't turn around and say you were so terrible you wouldn't even go to your sisters wedding. IYSWIM x

yes, do you think that could be an option, going to the wedding? then the ball is in their court, as it were, as to how things continue as you have made the effort to go?

I have considered going alone to the wedding, there is no way I would take my children, although it would be such a shame for them to miss out on a wedding and also I would hate for them not to be there but I know how my mum will behave and Im am not exposing them to that.
My mum has no direct path into our life at the moment and by being there with the kids, she will try and walk straight back in.

I am wondering if I am strong enough to just go alone, as I feel I need protection from her myself, I have worked so hard and come so far and now feel like Im right back at square one...

I don't want to be inappropriate here, so ignore the following if it is. But I recently read a book called A Model for Living which is amazing. It basically says that we can't control other people's reactions but we can only control our own reactions and responses to situations, and that other peoples' reactions to the way we react is how we think of ourselves, we have critical voices in our heads all the time based on an amalgamation of people from the past ... and so much more, I keep going back to it.

SO ...I think you have an opportunity here. It sounds like your sister is reaching out to you a little bit. How would it feel to reach back.
How about if you go to the wedding but really work hard to train yourself beforehand not to be reactive to your mother's behaviour. Like a CBT type thing. It will be the hardest thing ever, but you can do it, and could be a small step on the way to releasing her effect on you, which ultimately will be the best thing for you. Not for anyone else, because to carry round that UNDERSTANDABLE hurt and resentment is a huge rock for you. It seems like you have already tried to get rid of the rock in therapy, but it's still there. You don't have to have your mum back in your life totally, but you can show that you are a mature person who is in control of her life and her feelings and her responses.

They say you can only forgive someone who wants to be forgiven. Perhaps this is a chance for your mum to ask for forgiveness. If she doesn't, don't let it hold your life back. Don't stay in the place of being the scapegoat that they have put you in, you don't have to be the scapegoat, but train yourself not to react in the way you have (defense, self - protection, rage perhaps I'm guessing and don't want to say the wrong thing) these have now become habitual.

You have been open with your feelings,this isn't wrong, other people cope with pain in different ways, (your brother and sister have their own methods - appeasement perhaps, head in sand perhaps, don't judge them for it, they are not easy methods or healing methods either. In fact you are probably the nearest to getting rid of your rock of all of them. )
But unless you get to a position of self belief and self love, the situation is going to hurt you always. You have to love and respect, and forgive, yourself.

I agree with cheguevara's advice, though not with the assessment of forgiveness. IMO unilateral forgiveness is both possible and useful - though it's likely too early for you to do that, OP.

Your sister did actually ask if you wanted to come to her wedding as a guest. That's an invitation. I also feel that, by offering the choices, she's showing respect for your situation. In your shoes, I'd accept as a guest ... and go out of my way to offer her whatever support I felt COMFORTABLE with. If that's just turning up on the day & being a wonderful guest, then fine!

I think the hardest thing about this family business is that feeling of loss - of not having enjoyed the childhood we should have had, which all children deserve. We can't go back in time, and it stinks. Once you manage to stop hoping your own mother will magically become the lovely, supportive Mum you'd wish for, it does become easier to cope.

All the best. Enjoy the wedding!

Thankyou all for your help, I do think that I am going to have to go to the wedding, so will accept as a guest, whether I extend that to anything further , Im not sure at present but at least by not rushing in ( and listening to your opinions) I am not about to do the wrong thing

It does become more easy over time Gravity.

I agree that given the situation, your sister is showing respect for your position and she obviously wants you to be involved in an occasion that is bound to mean very much to her.

She may have felt the need to make a choice between you and your mother but she obviously still cares for you.

Go, head held high, even if just to the ceremony. You had a right to make your choice regarding your mother but you may well have to brace yourself for the day, feel right, strong and justified in your decision, don't be drawn into dispute.

If anything is raised by your mother or anyone else, a simple one line assertion on your part that the wedding is not the time or place for such discussion, should hold the worst at bay. You don't have to react or justify anything to anyone unless you wish to do so.

I meant to add, don't assume all members or friends of your family are unaware of your mother's poor treatment of you. It was only after I cut ties with my mother and step-father (sister and brother went too) that support came out of the woodwork from the most unlikely of corners.

These people (extended family members) never made their awareness of the situation public but did offer me their support and understanding privately, validated my feelings. I understood their inability to 'make a stand', it would have ripped many things asunder but I wasn't as alone with it all as I had once felt and I hope you find similar in time.