DH is chubby, or is it my perception? Don't know what to do/say

[TheElephantInTheBedroom]

Dh has always been fit, healthy and sporty - played rugby, went to the gym and ate well.

Over the last 18 months I've noticed he's been slowly putting on weight. He's got a bit of a belly and some rather definite and unattractive man boobs. He's also given up sports, I have to fight to get him
to the gym and he's eating more, and it's less healthy food - lots of cheese, processsed salami stuff etc.

I need perspective on this because I had/have an eating disorder so I know my judgement on this isn't going to be that accurate. I know he's put on weight and to me it seems a lot, especially when I compare him to similar height men, although he always was fairly bulky it was muscle not fat.

I sometimes look at him and don't find him attractive any more and it's starting to affect our sex life. I'm quite petite and he tops 6 foot so I find myself getting squashed if he's on top which is a bit of a turn off, but I can't say anything (hence the name!) so I find myself making crap excuses not to have sex.

Anyway he knows he's put on weight, he's not happy with himself, which is dragging me down because I'm very susceptible to people with negative body image, and it's affecting his confidence. I've tried telling him
he looks fine (partly true), that I still love him no matter what he looks like (true) and it doesn't matter (not sure if that's true or not). But he won't do anything about it. He continues eating rubbish and doesn't exercise.

He has a sedentary but demanding job so I know he's tired at the end of the day but I've spoken to colleagues wives and they all day there's a gym at work to use or their DHs go for a run mid-morning?! I just don't want him to be like my dad who also had a sedentary job, loved good food and had a massive heart attack

I can't even work out my own feelings about this but it's really becoming a big elephant in the corner if our relationship and I want to get it straight before I tackle him. And I want to do it in a sensitive way without hurting his feelings too much because it's horrible to be told you're fat and I don't want him to get a negative attitude to his body/food, I just know he doesn't love himself at the moment and that's a big thing.

Sorry for the epic, but dies anyone have any perspective on any of it for me? Even if it's just to say it's my issue!

i would hate it if OH was writing about me like this. i used to be slim and had a good diet but i have put on weight since he first met me and tbh i have more important things than being a size 10 to be focusing on. priorities change as our lives change. i am sure OP hasn't stayed exactly the same as she was when she met her DH.

I agree with those saying that it's your perception - I know this isn't AIBU, but your title did pose the question.

You shouldn't be "fighting" to get him to the gym. You're not his parent, and it's not a good dynamic for the two of you if you're nagging him. If I felt nagged to exercise, I'd be a lot more resistent to doing it, and almost end up unhealthier just out of defiance.

That said, what's worked for me and my husband in the past when we're feeling sluggish and a bit fat is to take up a sport or go to the gym together. We don't have a lot of shared interests, despite loving each other to bits, so going out to the gym a couple of times a week together or sharing a weight routine was really good for us. Now that we have a daughter it's a lot harder; like TLH's wife, I work long hours and going to the gym means less time spent with my family. But if you two have some shared time together, taking up a sport or something might be a good idea.

But don't nag him. Don't push him to the gym. It will make things worse, not better.

I'm really happy to see some more "lay off him" type replies here! Earlier in the day, I got quite upset by posts from some of the MNers I most respect, saying (it seems) that wives have the right to demand a certain level of physical beauty from their partner.

I find that attitude repulsive.

OP, your own eating disorder is probably tied up with all sorts of strange beliefs about the importance of being thin & fit. I realise it may be extremely hard for you to shrug off such ideas - but please try. Otherwise, how will you cope with your own changing appearance past menopause? I'm not knocking self-care by any means, and applaud some of the more cheerful suggestions on your thread. But please try to re-prioritise!

In case you're bothered, I currently look like a slob. This is because I'm recovering from decades of exercise, grooming, fashion and diet obsessions (and am menopausal). Being a slob's quite fun, I find, not to mention the savings in time & money