I think I need counselling to start having sex again, but I'm too ashamed, help me please.

[Paperdenim]

Hello there, I am new here and this is very difficult for me to talk about so please don't tell me I'm a horrible person because I'm too scared to talk to anyone in RL about it.

I had an abortion I didn't want in April last year, I was very vulnerable at the time, and my dp didn't want to keep the baby as he is very practicle and was worried about his career/money/our ages etc. I did want the baby but was scared as we had just moved to a ew area, I had been made redundant and we lived in a horrible flat in a terrible neighbourhood.

We are still together and have been for 5 years, and still love each other very much, but I can't bring myself to have sex anymore, I can't seem to seperate sex from pregnancy anymore and I never feel horny or lustful towards him, we've gone from
3 times a week to once every 2 months, he is being so patient and never complains, although I know he 'meets his needs' with porn.
We are both very young (mid twenties) and I think eventually he'll just cheat on me out of desperation or leave me for someone else.
I refuse to talk about it ever, and dp is the only one who knows about it, because I am so ashamed of myself.
I think I was close to a break down last year, I used to pretend to be pregnant and ask ladies with prams where to bought them etc.
I'm too scared to try and ask for counselling because I'm so ashamed.
I don't want to ask marie stopes for help because I hate them, I feel like they didn't ask me at all if I was sure and were very rough with me.
Please help me, I want to enjoy sex again without thinkig about pregnancy and guilt and hatred.
Thanks for Reading, sorry it's so long xxxx

Don't feel ashamed. An abortion is a difficult thing to get over. I've been there myself.
Ask your GP for help. They're lovely when you tell them that you're feeling low and will try to help and get you signed up for counselling (IME anyway). They've heard everything before so try not to worry about feeling embarrased or ashamed.

I think you might be feeling some resentment towards your partner over the abortion. Did he pressure you into it? In that case it would be natural for you to feel that way. Perhaps you need to figure out whether there are any issues within the relationship and also maybe some counselling would be good? If you weren't sure about abortion you might well be traumatised from having done it and some professional help might be very helpful.

Thankyou so much for replying, I've tried searching for similar people to me on websites but they always seem to get torrents of abuse. I think I do resent him in a way, but mainly because he didn't/doesn't seem to understand how it wasn't just a cluster of cells and a couple of pills iyswim?
We both really really want children in the future and talk about it alot but his mum had him in her forties so I think he thinks waiting until 35 or so is just simple. I think it was the right decision practically but I always promised myself I wouldn't do it with him. I think it's because we are together for life (I hope) that I find it so hard, if it were a one night stand or a fling I think it would be different?

I went through the exact same trauma as you're describing after an abortion 6 years ago, which my then-shit-of-a-partner basically forced me into by giving me the 'I can't have a baby' ultimatum. I was also really vulnerable at the time. To him it was also just a case of pills and cells and nothing more (you had the chemical option too, I take it?).

Has he been sensitive towards you over your feelings at all? I ask because by the way you describe how he doesn't understand, it comes over that this is a wedge between you, because he just doesn't get how awful an abortion is, or what a big deal it is either. The fact that you wanted the baby and he did not, which led to the trauma of an abortion, is no easy thing for you to deal with.

I found that sadly, being told by my ex partner that 'don't worry, we'll have kids in the future' did nothing to wash away my sadness- don't know if you can relate to that at all.

I think you definitely need counselling to get through this and move forward, particularly if its affecting you sexually. Again, this is something I can really relate to because that's exactly what happened to me- after that horrible relationship ended my sexual urge all but died and it still hasn't entirely come back.

(That said, I hope I can give you a little bit of hope with the outcome of my story- I am now 7 months pregnant with my husband's baby and I am so pleased that I have a secure, loving environment to bring a child into.)

You have zero reason to feel ashamed. It's perfectly natural to feel the way you do and also to feel distance from your partner considering you didn't want to have the abortion. Allow someone to help you through this- go and see your GP. And, we are always here to talk to.

I should add, there are NHS psychosexual counsellours who are specially trained to help with sexual problems. But, because te abortion is probably at the root of the issue, normal counselling might be the most healing route.

Lastly, thought I should point out that when I said above that my sexual urge hadn't entirely come back, I wanted to reassure you that there were other bad things that went on in that relationship that were 85% of that problem, and not the abortion that had killed my sex life forever, because it didn't. Counselling healed that issue for me, as did time. Don't imagine you'll feel this way forever.

Wishing you all the best. x

Hello Madame g sorry it's taken me a few days to get back. Yup I was the chemical option too- to be honest I spat them out after leaving the room and then swallowed them again.
Me and DP had a big talk the other night-I ended up saying how ashamed I felt of it etc and I do feel like a weight has been partially lifted. He said that if it had been where we live/are at now he would have had a different answer.
What gets me is how they just don't understand how bruising it is emotionally. He told me a few days after the abortion how he was 'quite proud that he had such strong swimmers' because he got a girl pg at 16 who also had an abortion. .
I also have a cyst on my right ovary which was found at my scan so ido worry about that re:concieving in the future.
In some parts as well I think I have totally lost trust in organisations that are supposed to help people like me. Marie stopes is meant to be this lovely helpful post but when I had my scan the nurse just shoved the thingy into my abdomen and it hurt so badly. The other nurse didn't even look me in the eye when she asked if I was sure..
Maybe you think this is strange but Madame g, did you ever feel like a continuing pregnancy would be the only thing to heal you? (I'm not implying that this is why you are having a baby now by the way!)
it sort of felt like a rejection of me and MY worthiness as a childbearing partner iyswim?

Dp is a good man and in a lot of ways is perfect for me, he is so kind and generous and fun to be with but I think he doesn't understand alot of womens issues, silly things like period pain and pmt etc (his own mum went through menopase when he was 5.) also his mother is very overbearing and controlling, but that's a whole new post haha! It's so wonderful to talk to you all, I'm so so grateful to you xxx

And Madameg, congratulations on your wonderful pregnancy, you sound like a lovely person and I wish you all the best with your dh and baby to be! I hope in a few years I can message you and tell you I'm where you're at too! Xxxxxxx

Hello again, and thanks re my baby- remember you've got oodles of time to start a family so don't worry too much about the future yet.

To be honest, yes you're right, men don't get how much of an enoromous emotional experience it is to be pregnant, even for a short while, and whether it results in miscarriage, abortion or (ideally!) a baby. The thing is that as soon as we women conceive there is a strong emotional link to the baby, even if it is only a tadpole or a 'blob', and the knowledge that you're walking round every day pregnant is a life changing thing. It's very different for men and women.

That said, different men will handle it better or worse than others. I'm quite appalled at the 'strong swimmers' comment your partner made and also how insensitive he's been; you shouldn't have to point out to him how traumatic it was for you. Is he young, at all? He sounds lacking in emotional maturity and also selfish to be acting the way he has.

I know what you mean about continuing with the pregnancy being what would heal you, and I did feel like that for a while on and off. I felt like I'd murdered my child and it sent me down a very dark path mentally (I was seriously psychologically ill for a few years afterwards, for this and many other reasons).

But- and this is very important- 6 years later I feel very differently. I'm so glad I'm having a child with someone who really wants one too and is excited by it, and will therefore be a good father. Plus, am I glad I am not with that immature sod anymore and that I'm not tied to him for all eternity by a child he didn't want? YES. So, its more about feeling regret for getting myself into that situation at the time, not regret for not keeping the child. I've seen what a difference that being in a solid partnership where you both want to be parents can mean, and my husband could not be more loving or excited.

I hope sharing my experience helps in some way. Crucially, you need to speak to a caring counsellour about this who can help you get to the bottom of your upset and feelings to heal you in the short term, and then time and life events will heal you the rest of the way.