how could she!!!!!!!!!!

[packbell]

I do not get on with my MIL, we did not speak from May 2001 to Nov 2003, she made no contact with her son in all that time and she only lives 4miles away.

In nov 03 we had a first child we told her and she saw her at ours for the first time, nothing was discussed about the past. Basically she got herself involved in an argument between me and SIL!!! Who very much controls her mother!!

She saw our daughter for 3yrs every wk, it was always me taking her to visit grandma!!
Anyway things went wrong again when I stood up to her when she ask one grandchild to leave because another was coming with my SIL!! I thought this was totally out of order my child/her 3 yr old grandchild was upset she was booted out because her Aunty would 'nt like us being there.

When I told my DH he was fuming words were said, anyway outcome I was no longer welcome in MIL house because I spoke up!!

My DH was told her and dd could visit but not me, he told her we come as a family or not at all!! She would'nt back down we've not seen her since!!

Our daughter saw her at our niece's birthday party in december but she did not make the connection (she's my grandma too)!

Anyway we have another dd now who is 17mths she's not seen her at all, until friday night there was a contest at school and she had gone with BIL, SIL to watch our niece who we see through her mum because mother and father are not together anymore.

She was stood not 10 feet from her grandchildren one of which she has never met for 45 minutes not to mention her own son, and never said a word. How could she?? whatever has been said between adults we have never told her she CANNOT see her grandchildren, she was only told we come as a unit and she would have to visit them in their own home, which she had only ever done once!!

I feel angry/sad that my gorgoues children are missing out on a grandma,and then relieved that this women is not in thier lives!!

I almost want to send her an album of her beautiful grandchildren to show her what's she's been missing over the last 3yrs!!!!

Just needed to get that out, it's been playing on my mind since friday, not said anything to DH, he say's they are all dead to him, but I know deep down he's upset his mum takes his sister and brothers side!!!!!

darling, your children aren't missing anything, their granny is a fool, and a deeply mixed up, toxic fool at that.

SHE is the one that's missing out. it's her loss not theirs.

I would never, ever take my ds to somewhere he was booted out of. I don't care who it was, that would be it for me.your dh is backing you up, that's great.

Let it go, if she comes round, she comes round, if she doesn't she'll be the one with regrets, i can assure you. Not your dc! You have done everything you can, your conscience should be clear, she's failed her entire family.

The important thing is to protect them from people like her.

Gotta love family politics. I'm also having parent generation/should they see the grandchildren issues, although of a different type, but can very much sympathise with you on the being angry but also wanting your children to have grandparents!

I was disowned and not spoken to by my parents for a year because they found out I didn't want to be the same religion as they are. After some effort, helped by my brother, we patched things up a bit, although the relationship is still lukewarm. They disapprove of DP's very existence, and since being told I'm pregnant they have said they don't think I'll look after the baby, but that they would still like to see their grandchild and would meet us in town, but don't want us coming to the house. (They live five hours away on the train and don't want to come to our house, either.)

DP and I both vary between whether or not we think they should see the child at all - I think they're being overly dramatic and rude (we can see them in a coffee shop but not at the house seems a bit bizarre) but I don't want to withold grandchildren as some sort of way of getting back at them. DP is worried they'll form a relationship with the child then try to 'corrupt' it religiously, or judge it if it turns out to not believe what they want it to, like they did with me. Either way it's difficult.

Sorry for the small rant.

It's awful, packbell, but I guess some people would rather be 'right' (as in I'm right and she / they are wrong and that's it until they apologise) than be happy (swallow their all important pride and see their grandchildren).

Ryuk do you think that not meeting at the house is a 'what will the neighbours think?' thing?

Nemofish I was thinking more along the lines of 'my home is my castle', and that they see it as a more personal space. You could be right though. (Maybe both?)

Maybe they just don't want non-believers polluting their holy environment, Ryuk?

Packbell, I don't understand it either, tbh. But your DDs will not miss out - having such an unpleasant influence in their lives could be a lot more damaging than not having her at all. There are plenty of people, including on MN, who bear the mental/emotional scars of being the non-preferred grandchild for no good reason - why put your DDs through that? Plenty of people grow up without grandparents because they've died or disappeared - they're not usually scarred because of it.

I am very pleased to see that your DH stands up for you - sensible man.

Sorry RYUK, but your DP is " DP is worried they'll form a relationship with the child then try to 'corrupt' it religiously, or judge it if it turns out to not believe what they want it to, like they did with me"

I think your DP is as 'bad' as your parents in this... Why couldn't your M&D form a relationship with your DC? How exactly are they going to corrupt the child religiously? Is your chosen religion so tenuous that it couldn't stand up to the 'challenge'? Are you unable to defend your choices? Of course not!

If you know that religion could be a difficult point then you simply have to encourage dialogue, open yourselves to questions, and be prepared to gently reinforce to your DC the differences in the religions and why YOU personally believe what you believe.

You can't 'trash' your parents religion (I'm sure you aren't), you have to present both sides of your family in the best possible way, otherwise you will perpetuate this them and us, the victim and the wrong-doer, and that's not helpful to anyone.

DP isn't worried they'll actually convince the child of anything, just that they'll try to and that they'll be unpleasant about it. They can be very judgemental and millitant about their beliefs. (I was told at about age six to not make any close friendships with the non-believing children, as they would die soon anyway when God ended the world, for example.)

I'm willing to respect their religion but so far they don't seem able to respect mine, and I'm not sure that's a healthy thing for a child to see either. I think we'll try to talk about it, set some boundaries, and go from there. We have a few years until the kid is old enough for this to be an issue, anyway. I just find it kind of worrying.

Ah, OK, you are not dealing with run of the mill GP here then... sorry, i didn't realise it was THAT bad...

What a dreadful shame, they are missing out on so much... Keep doing what you know is right and try not to let it upset you.

Some people eh? you have my sympathies!