How do you know if you're co-dependent and what can you do about it?

[malinkey]

Title says it all really! Am on the brink of leaving my emotionally abusive partner, but this is the third crap relationship I've been in - in a row. This one is less obviously abusive than the last two and I thought it was ok to start with but turns out it's pretty crap too. Sigh.

It can't be coincidence that this has happened again. I don't consciously seek out men who would make me unhappy but I must give out signals to the wrong kind of men or not notice and/or put up with behaviour that other women wouldn't. Or perhaps I actively put off decent men. The rest of my life is pretty ok and I have some really lovely non-abusive type friends!

So, how do I make sure that I never end up in this situation again? Is counselling enough or is there something else I can do?

Any advice from someone who's been through similar gratefully received.

Swallowedafly

Yes I think I'm not very good at meeting my own needs ie I wont say right I'm going off to do such and such today and you can look after the kids for example.

Not that my DH would mind but I feel very uncomfortable saying and doing it.

When I was younger my mum and dad had quite a volatile relationship, dad liked to drink, drink and drink some more (which was what eventually killed him) and my mum just put up with it. Consequently neithr of them had much time for us and we were just left to our own devices. I now feel that I should be there for my DH and DDs all the time hence not meeting the needs I have.

I also understand your example about these men being alright with one thing and then crap with other things. My DH will say things like why dont you do it this way and he will go behind me doing things the way he wants it done. Most of the time I'm ok with this but other times (especially at that time of the month) I can just fly off the handle.

When I am in a positive mood and feeling good about myself I do stand my ground and meet whatever needs I have but if I'm feeling a bit stressed and low then it can be difficult.

I've been through all of this with the counsellor and she said I had to "let the little girl in me out" wtf does that mean. And I have "find my owning coping mechanism".

I do feel the counselling was good but it opened up so many other boxes. Am I in the right relationship, what if I cant is that the end of us? IYKWIM.

Thanks for listening.

Swallowedafly: She means doing this:
www.janinelatus.com/repair.html

Though she should really have helped you with it.
My photo is on my desktop!

sorry - www.janinelatus.com/repair.html

IsGraceAvailable

What a lovely bit of writing.

I understand now what my counsellor said about letting the little girl out. I dont have great self esteem, I am full of self doubt. But how do I get over it so to speak?

My DH is lovely but I dont think hes helping me by wanting to do stuff for me all the time in a non deliberate way (ie not tieing my shoe laces or anything like that) but little things like I load the dishwasher and he goes behind me and rearranges it. Not exactly marriage breaking stuff but because Psychologically I need to be independent and stand on my own two feet it all gets me down and stressed and then I keep thinking I we should just split up because it drives me insane. But.......deep down I love him to bits!

Its just so difficult and I am really struggling with my emotions again at the moment.

I'm wondering whether to go back to counselling again tbh.

I agree swallowedafly.

I have been at SAHM and done little adminy type jobs and not stuff that really challenges me as a person.

When I'm feeling happy in myself and am confident and positive and am enjoying myself, everything seems to swim along quite smoothly. Its when I'm stuck in a situation like I am at the moment, DH working away Monday to Thursday, working in a little insular company, looking after kids, looking after the house and generally just feeling like a general dogsbody then its no the wonder I feel the way I do. But why do I blame my DH and give him grief about it all the time. Is it because I'm resentful or just selfish and should never have had kids in the first place. Why is it always his fault for not making me happy? And the big question I ask myself a lot is why can I not just cope like other mums do in the same situations?

Its difficult to know what would give me that buzz outside of the relationship tbh. I quite indecisive IMO. I have thought about going back and doing a course on something but TBH i just cant be bothered to go back to the whole studying thing not with a 10 and 6 year old.

I have been to docs today and he has put me back on the AD's just to get me through the stress of moving house, DH away etc etc. Didnt want to but I dont want to go other way either.

Thanks for your very philosophical point of view. You seem to really know your stuff swallowedafly. X

"little things like I load the dishwasher and he goes behind me and rearranges it"

This would annoy me hugely!! The implication being that you didn't do it properly the first time!

swallowedafly

Mmmm..... Yes its when we have time together as a couple ie minus the children (which doesnt happen very often) or if I have a really girlie time, like going to a spa for treatments or out for dinner or something like that.

So I suppose just time to be me. Do I sound selfish cos thats always what I think? As I said before I feel like I should always be there for my children cos my mum never was for me I suppose.

templemaiden It would annoy me more if he didnt help out at all and whilst its a big issue for some people it doesnt really matter to me so much. I think this is his fatherly side coming out again!

I wish I had a doctor like you swallowed.

Yes me too malinkey.

I will certainly try your advice and thank you.

I know what you mean swallowedafly

It is very hard to know what needs are not being met. Emotional, physical?

The thing is this: Although my DH is very sweet and loving and considerate he also has a very controlling streak. But its manipulative. EG I say I am going for a run tonight at 6.30. He says well why dont you go at 6.45 so that I dont have to take younger DD to swimming with older DD, ie you can watch her until I get back.

Another example: Girlfriends have booked a 3 day break in Centerparcs. £45 per night plus £40 for SPA. He says well how are you going to go Friday to Monday because you cant afford the holidays from work (which is true). Why dont you just go up on the Saturday coming back on Sunday and plus we cant afford it!

Is this controlling?

I have to say hes not the victim because I do this to him too. ie I wlll say I dont want you to play golf tonight because you have been away all week and I'm sick of doing the whole bedtime routine with the kids etc. So very subtle ways of domineering each other but all the same. Is this whats getting me down, I dont know?

I do feel that I cant do as I like when I like for fear he will somehow "kick off" even though he doesnt, but its in my mind and the way I view things. I suppose like a child.

This is why I keep thinking I would be better off on my own so I could learn independence, meeting my own needs etc. Can my relationship survive like this?

Its all very confusing.

Thanks for listening.

Again a very philosphical approach swallowedafly

Your'e right it may be hugely important to me but I dont want to make a fuss so I just agree and 99% of the time he is right (which kills me as well) a man who thinks hes right!

First example practically and financially it was not possible but at the same time I did need a break. He never ever forces me into anything I think I'm just bad at asserting myself with him in particular. I go into child like mode and sulk even though I know hes right IYKWIM.

This is where it is like a father daughter realtionship because he is good at asserting himself and getting his point across where I am not.

If I was to say no its not ideal financially but I really need this break and I'm gonna dot it, he would probably not be very happy and it could potentially lead to an argument.

He is very good at being practical and I'm not I kinda think right I want to do it and I want to do it now, like a child sulking and throwing a tantrum.

God I must be awful to live with!

So maybe lessons in being more assertive is the key?

Nail on the head.

Counsellor used to say to me "DH is not your Dad"!

It was very pointless trying to negotiate with my Dad especially as he was drunk a lot of the time. Mum would say "right lets all go to bed before he comes in, and if he does start shouting and balling then just try to ignore him" Pretty difficult when your'e 12 years old, its 2am and you've got to go to school the next day!

Feelings of powerlessness I get very frequently not just with DH but my ability to raise 2 children as well. Which is probably why when DH is away during the week every week I struggle.

The other thing I learned was anxiety and depression because this was how my mother was a lot of the time.

The thing is how do you unlearn these traits and is it possible?

Swallowedafly

I have been thinking long and hard about this all afternoon.

It is my ability to be assertive in this relationship for fear of reprisals that is getting me down. Because.... the things which are hugely important to me are not being valued. Whether that be two nights away with the girls as opposed to 1 or the fact that I need (men would say different I know) a new pair of shoes or some clothes to go on holiday with!

So, if I dont assert enough how strongly I feel about something (which happens quite often because I dont like confrontation) then it gets buried deep until it can be buried no more and I just errupt.

How do I tell me DH this. Its not like hes some kind of dominatrix who tells me how it has to be all the time but he still needs to know how much it bothers me.

So what do you think about me writing a letter to him to get it all down on paper.

But if we different values how are we going to get along any more if they are totally different?

The thing is I do love him to bits, and my children but is it enough? I'm scared of this all coming crashing around my feet!

I think it's been suggested before - get yourself on an assertiveness course, and start learning about Transactional Analysis.

When you're locked into inappropriate patterns of communication/behaviour - like Parent & Child - it only takes one of you to break the pattern. As you will learn, all our relationships are like games. If one of you changes the rules, the other has to change their style of play, iyswim.

Here are some starter pages:
Assertiveness
TA

It's important to find a RL assertiveness course, so you can get face-to-face practice. There are always some going on locally (try the library) and many workplaces offer assertiveness training, too.

ItsgraceActually thank you, you are so kind.

What you have said makes total sense and this is exactly what my counsellor said to me 2 years ago. We have fell into him being the parent and me being the child. Not through any fault of our own but probably due to our childhoods. Mine was a particularly abusive one at the best of times. She also said that I kept feeling down because Kept having a crossover from child/parent and vice versa IYSWIM. She said if I could keep being assertive and stay in adult mode then my DH would have not option but to change. I have tried but its so tireing. I think I've managed quite well up to now but started to feel down with the stress I am under at the moment and feel like I have fallen into that child mode once again. Trouble is we are talking about being assertive with my DH! Should you really have to be like that with your lifelong partner and the person you are supposed to love.

I will look into assertiveness training definitely cos I think its the only way forward. I am very scared of losing my DH but I know that I do need to do something.

PS Its not just him I have issues with when it comes to assertiveness. There are a few other people in my life that I would like to be more upfront with.

You are a star and have helped me enormously. Thanks MNs. X