My mother and father are shite but I am okay now...

[Nemofish]

It's me again. The mner with a bonkersly innapropriate mother with narcissistic personality disorder and the bizarre, recently found Canadian father aka The Father Of Silence. (eg. he is blanking me and pretending I don't exist).

So. I am the offspring of two people, both with huuuuge egos, and I have turned out okay. Rather well in fact.

Don't get me wrong, I had the years of depression, anorexia, drug addiction and I'm still getting through the anxiety years, but bleedin hell I could have turned out worse.

I have one friend who was horribly abused as a child and teenager, and he is, bless his heart, barely held together by various types of medication. I love him dearly and I am sad for him as I don't think he will ever feel able to achieve his full potential. (very talented musician, who is too afraid to look out of his front door). You could almost say with good fucking reason though, life has been awful for him.

For me it comes down to this. Trying to go through life feeling awful about yourself is pretty crap. You make bad relationship choices, bad friendship choices, you feel a failure (probably as you chant 'you're a failure' in your head 1000 times a day).

So, that isn't an option. So regardless of how shit you think you genuinely are, it is far better to develop some self esteem, as life will be better that way.

I, for instance, have a face like a bag of spanners. Rather than get depressed about it and long for lots of plastic surgery anymore I decide to cut my hair short and funky, dye it and wear nice earrings. Result, I know people are looking at my funky pink haircut and not my face like a bag of spanners. A hint of boobage helps too... (as they are less likely to notice my muffin top)

Now if I can just pull that off with the inside of me I will have fucking cracked it...

I have no idea what the point of this post is, just wanted to share

Feel free to chip in!

It sounds to me like you've got life sussed. Good for you

Thanks. Only took me 33years...

Next, solving world hunger.

Gis a minute...

You sound rather lovely to me

Nemofish, what a fab post. I love your theory - wonder if I could put it into practice? Can at least, if nothing else, try the 'boobs distracting from muffin top' tactic!

Self-esteem, huh. Don't know where to get it from. My parents were pretty crap but I think I'm fairly over it now. I tried to join that 'stately homes' thread - no one even said hello! That did wonders for my self-esteem .

Thank you for posting, it's made me think and ponder and not really come up with any answers but (as always with MN) I feel better because other people are talking about how I feel.

Well, you did say chip in ...

That reminds me of someone who once said 'If I can't be beautiful I'll be MAGNIFICENT'

Can't remember who it was now, but it's an excellent way to live your life.

I too have narcs and psychos coming out of the woodwork , but hey, I have bright red hair. Courtesy of whatever's on offer at Morrisons.

And I DON'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK ANY MORE.

And you are dead right re the boobage. Hoik it all up, that's what I say.

And I bet you are actually quite beautiful.

Gettingagrip, that's what dh says poor deluded man but I have grown into my looks in my 30's, I think I am almost a handsome woman now (serious big nose and no discernable chin ishoos!)

CJCregg, I've been on stately homes thread a bit too, don't take it personally, those threads are about self examination, and not always good at mutual support iyswim.

I am actually going to have to sit down and think about my good points as a person as I have no fucking clue. I know deep down but it's difficult to hear it. I suppose you have to fill the gaps that existed in the parenting you got.

I constantly marvel at some people I know who have this inbuilt security and believe in their right to be here, wherever here happens to be. Whereas I feel like I have been going through life holding a placard saying 'sorry I know I'm taking up valuable resources by exiting.'

I now cast away that placard! Away, I say! What placards slogans shall we have instead?

existing, not exiting.

You sound like my kinda chick, funky hair and all that!

You go girl, rule that world!

Thanks Mouseface! Gonna get a tattoo next. That'll show 'em!

I am Woman, hear me roar

I don't know, I have a pretty shite mother but my dad is fantastic, it's hard to comes to terms with, I suppose I've always tried to be different to help myself show her, but I still find myself crawling back to her and wanting some attention and love I am 43 now, it's about time I wised up.

Nemo - Surely it should be world peace first!? Big your bad self up girl - you got it going on! - Maybe a venture into something where you can help other people 'move' through crap parents life's challenges, that'll learn 'em!

Mary - Fascinating isn't it, the nature, nuture arguement... I have a friend who has 6 daughters, and a secondary school head, and he's totally for nature, otherwise he would have 6 clones, and they could not BE more different!

What a lovely post, especially: "regardless of how shit you think you genuinely are, it is far better to develop some self esteem, as life will be better that way". Nemofish, it sounds like you've got that sunny personality or inner resilience Maryz mentioned.

I didn't realise until recently how resilient I am, until a frenemy friend of mine crossly told me: "I don't know how you can pretend to cope so well with your background". Erm, I don't pretend, I just get on with it, if that makes sense.

Courtesy of Philip Larkin:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Shit I love this poem!!

I love it too, apart from the last line!

My slogan now nemo, is 'I am Bloody Lovely'

Also, I have just plucked my eyebrows - I mean, in a magnifying mirror, sort of really trying to match them up, rather than stabbing at them for 2 seconds at about 7am.

God I look so different! I have posh, real eyebrows!

It is a long, slow old process getting over shitty parents. And thereafter shitty life-choices. And shitty relationships. But it so can be done. The Big Thing is to love yourself. It is hard if the main 'carers' in your life haven't loved you (properly) and you have to really learn how to do it. But once you like and love yourself, all else flows from that.

I am a nonce.

see? I am still not quite there yet.

Nemofish, I get where you're coming from. I have the requisite fuck up paretns, narcissitic mum and sexually abusing Dad. I should be like your friend and held together by medication.

It's not so much self-esteem with me, as much as I just can't be bothered with all the misery anymore. i've always believed I can't change what has happened to me, but I can change the way I feel about it.

I just want a happy, simple life. Unfortunately that has included having no contact with any of my family but it's much better this way. I like enjoying myself and feeling happy, so that's what I intend to do.

Can I ask you an odd question, QueenofWhatever? What do you do to have fun?

Tbh if it doesn't involve my old habits of compulsive eating and doing drugs other stuff, I'm at a loss.

I asked myself the other day 'what do I do just for fun' and I was at a loss.

(I do enjoy and have fun with dd but I mean just for me).

What sort of drugs to you do nemo?

Ah, nothing interesting, I have been clean for 8 / 9 years now. But I was addicted to heroin, methadone and also dabbled a bit in crack cocaine. Seems like it all happened to someone else now, and I suppose it did.

I spent a great deal of time blocking everything out.

Very well done for getting clean of the killer shit.

You can do without the mundane shit now too. Have faith in yourself. You don't need it. It needs you. Cut it out. Try columbian coffee instead. Shed loads. With sweeteners.

You can dooooooit. Then join an upholstering class. Lots of good hammering.

Ah, maybe we have more in common than we thought. I used to do every form of self-defeating behaviour in the name of fun - drugs, drink, random sex, walking home alone, hitchhiking across Pakistan. You know, the usual...

And I had no limits or boundaries, so just kept doing it. Then got bored. Now fun is very low-key for me. Yesterday DD and I went to St Paul's carnival with some friends and had a great time. Tonight I'm going to watch Hugh Laurie in House.

I don't know, I just don't feel the need for the highs so much. Probably because I don't feel the lows as strongly.

But the most fun I've had recently is getting artwork for a new tattoo. It chimes with the things that mattered to me when I was younger and what still matters to me now.

Unlikely - what sort of hammering are you thinking of?

I love this thread. Just wanted to say.