Oh bugger...

[pie]

Not a serious one this, but can I get some advice?

DD missed her school trip to the farm as she was ill. DH and I told her that during the holidays we would take her to London Zoo to make up for it as she was really upset.

We have been cutting out vouchers and saving nectar points so that we can afford it. I have booked an electric wheelchair, and will have to arrange transport to and from. We have also decided to do it on my birthday so that I don't sit at home all day not being able to go out.

We told DD she could ask one friend. She picked the friend. I just rang the mum, who I have known for about 3 years. Her DD and mine are both 4. The mum says that its ok with her, but her DP will probably say no as he doesn't like her going anywhere, so the mum said she will come too.

The thing is (1) The mum drives me up the wall, though the kid is lovely, (2) the mum has her mum with her ALL the time as the lady is quite mentally unbalanced and can't be left alone so she would have to come too,(3) I would have to rearrange transport etc and don't know if she is expecting us to pay for all of it and finally (4) I'm always a complete freak on my birthday, and cry for no reason.

Should I uninvite the girl (she doesn't know about the proposed trip)? I really really can't stand the mum and her mum. I know it sounds selfish but I don't want to spend my birthday dealing with their crap (believe they are bad!!) or should I say yeah come too, though you'll have to pay for yourselves and arrange it on another non birthday day, which would mean rearranging wheelchair and transport. Although I have a feeling that if the mums come DH will pull out as he can't stand them even more than me.

Arrggghhhh.

Was I being unreasonable in thinking that friend would be allowed to come? She is 4 and in full time school.

Uninvite the girl Pie. You'll only be miserable on your birthday. It was a lovely thought for you to allow dd to invite a friend, but you don't want mother and granny tagging along too!Especially if it will jepodise your dh going along. What a nightmare. Can your dd invite another friend?

DD is freaking that this is the only friend in the world!!!!

Oh the plans of mice and men.

Oh blimey pie! As if you didn't have enough going on! Dunno, I think I'd say that you'll take the girl but see if they really are insistent on coming. If they are, say you need to change the arrangement and make it for a day when it's not your birthday. Then your dd gets to go with her friend and although you have to put up with the mother and her mother at least it won't be on your birthday. I do think you should make it crystal clear that you will NOT be paying for them too though. I think that's what I'd do anyway. Or see how your dd reacts to the idea of asking another friend? If she seems OK, then just change the friend invited (since dd's friend doesn't know about it yet anyway) so you get a day out on your birthday and dp comes too. Or what about saying to the friend's mother, No, I can't change transport arrangments so either your dd comes alone or not at all (but more tactfully?) Eeek!

oh 'eck Pie

try this. Make it clear that friend's mum and granny would have to pay for themselves, and would have get themselves to and from zoo as you can't all fit in one car (even if you could, make it sound difficult to put them off). I would try to speak directly to friends father (phone when he's likely to be in) cos he might be less likely to object to you than to his partner (men are such cowards). You could try reasoning with him, but it sounds like he's a bit possessive about his dd (strange).

If she can't come alone you have 2 options
a) tell other family it's all off due to unforseen circumstances, then take your daughter anyway and enjoy a lovely time together
b) go with other family, When you get to the zoo, put the girls on your lap, turn the wheelchair to full speed and RUN LIKE HELL

oh shit! Pretend you can't face it and then go anyway, if you get found out, or maybe better to come clean after and just say you got up that day and DH talked you into it so you just up and went!
Hope you have a fab birthday and get away with not having 2 old bags tag along!

LOL, easy I like the idea of just making an escape with the children.

I think I will give it the weekend then see if the friend's Dad comes round and let her the little girl come. If not then I will probably just tell them something came up, and see if I can get someone else. Even if another parent comes I don't mind, as long as its not that one

God I feel evil.

You can't have your birthday ruined like this! Actually you can't have ANY outings ruined like this - you aren't getting any others much! Stick to the lies!

Hey Pie, I don't know much about your situation as I am a new girl around here, but you were kind enough to sympathise with me yesterday, so here goes....

I myself would go mental if I could not get out of the house and have fun on a regular basis so I can't think how hard it must be for you. Of course you must not put up with these people. You have to hope the dad will relent, otherwise make up a story to put the guest off. Your time out is really precious, by the sound of it, and cannot be wasted like this.

Where are you? I'd willingly come and drive you myself if you are in the North London / Herts area or anywhere approaching that.

I know what you mean about birthdays. When I was with my ex I used to freak out really badly dreading birthdays and Christmas etc because I knew he would overlook me and hurt my feelings every time. Perhaps the rotten time your dad gave you is part of this? Although I only have that to go on so forgive me if I am way off beam.

Have to go as DH is parking outside and have 4 darlings to feed. Do not waste your precious time out with people who do not build you. Let me know if I can help

Thanks for the offer Janster!!! I don't live too far, I'm in central london, but its just that public transport is out, but I think its managable from the stuff I've arranged. Thank you again for the offer though. And yes my dad would invariably end up freaking out on my birthdays so I'm always over sensitive on the day. Plus I'll be 7 months pregnant so get out the kleenex.

I think that the biggest problem is that the other mum knows a little about what I went through and EVERY time I see her she puts her mum next to me, because her mum has literally just got out of an insitution after 18 months. Its like she thinks that I can babysit her as I have 'insight'. Except I fought depression and this lady is still a full blown schizophrenic so I have no idea!!!

I went to the little girls birthday party last month. And the mum placed the grandma in the room with me, and I wasn't able to get up from the sofa without help so was stranded. And she shut the door!!! I sat there for 45 minutes before anyone came past to see what was going on or if I needed anything. And the whole time she talked to me about her time inside and the husband who beat her and just terrible stuff.

I just so resented being forced into some sort of 'looney' club as the mum seemed to see it. And this isn't a one off, it happens every time.

Now I think I sound like a bitch.

I'm having one of those days

You don't sound like a bitch, you sound like someone who doesn't want to be forced to counsel others at someone else's convenience. Who would? One of the things that came into my mind regarding my current drama is that I tend to accept behaviour from other people that I would be mortified with if I had done it. Sound familiar?

(I came back because DS aged 2 has messed again! and is in the shower with his lovely dad. So dinner postponed!)

Pie, I don't think you sound like a bitch at all! Hope you get to have the birthday you would like.

pie, is there any way that the transportation of the wheelchair can be used to freeze the mum and the lovely grandma out of the equation (as in, there is not enough room in the car/van)?
I can't believe that after the rubbish Spring/Summer you have had in terms of getting out and about and having some treats for yourself, this has happened. They sound AWFUL and I don't think you are being at all unreasonable or mean in trying to get off the hook on this. I'd go for any/all of the suggestions here to ensure that you, dh and dd have a nice day to yourselves at the zoo. Good grief, you deserve it.

pie, you don't sound like a bitch at all, you sound lovely.

4 is plenty old enough to go on a trip without parents. Speak to her dad - if he really won't let her come alone, and since she doesn't know about the trip (hope that is still true), then say you're really sorry but that taking just one extra child along makes everything much more complicated for you (true enough I'd have thought) and that taking extra adults is just not possible so you will have to uninvite.

Sad for your DD if she really wants this child to come but I bet there's at least one more she could invite.

I am constantly amazed, reading various threads on here (eg adults helping themselves to kids' party food) how bloody cheeky some people can be.

If I wasn't in Lancashire (bit far)I'd be really happy to drive you! Hope you all have a really lovely day out without unwanted guests.

pie, think it is perfectly reasonable to want to get out of this and perfectly reasonable to use any reasonable lies to ensure that your day isn't ruined. some excellent suggestions here already... hope it works out and you have a wonderful day

pie - agree with all other comments re not taking along the mum and mum's mum. It's your day - you decide who is invited.

Thanks for all the support.

I think that I will ring the mum on monday and just tell her the whole thing is a logistical nightmare and the it will just be the three of us. Infact the whole thing has put me off inviting anyone else. Even if the mum says its ok I will still be living in fear that on the day she will change her mind and invite herself and clan along.

Then I can just meet them another day in the local park. A non birthday day where I haven't gone to alot of extra expense and effort.

I think DD will enjoy the day no matter what.

Of course I could tell her the truth: "I can't stand you and your mum and I think you're the worst mother I've ever met, but hey you DD is nice so please can we take her out for the day?"

God, if only I gumption

Oh Pie ... I now have visions of you going to the zoo just the three of you and just as you are getting cosy looking at the penguins you hear a 'Cooooooeeeeeey!' and you turn around and see dds friend and her mum and granny grinning and waving at you .... he he he
Poor you ... awful situation to be in .... just uninvite them and head them off for a park outing on another day like you said ...
Hope you sort it out soon!

And they are being TOTALLY out of order in getting you to sit with the mum. Is there any way you can firmly say so? Does it matter if you're rude, really...I mean I think it's bloody rude to put you in this position and if this mum stopped talking to you might it not be a bit of a relief (except for the girls, I do see that...). Oh bugger indeed. If I wasn't in SE London and currently incapable of talking about anything but sleep I would head over and see you too!

Print off this thread and post it anonymously to her - maybe she'll get the hint!

Just a quick update:

The mum lives on the same road as my mum and they bumped into each other. The Dad thinks the WHOLE thing is a bad idea, even if the the mum came with us. So there is a definte no show.

WTF???

How is going to the zoo a bad idea??

THe lady didn't expand any further, but then she was drunk as usual. Hahahahaha I was seething for the rest of the day that the 2 literal alcoholics didn't want their DD out of their sight for a few hours when they pass out most nights.

Oh well, at least I now know that it will be a lovely day out for the 3 and a half of us

Their poor child. What the hell did they mean not a good idea? Stupid drunkards. Well it doesn't solve their poor childs problems but at least you'll have a stress free lovely birthdya day out. Enjoy xx