Problem with dp's drinking habits

[mumstrosity]

Hello,

Does anyone have any advice/sympathy/anything helpful for me?

My dp and I have known each other since we were teenagers, and now in our early 30's have 2 children (3yo and 10mo). We've been together for nearly seven years, all seems fine, and mostly is, except that dp seems to have a drinking problem.

I am all up for a drink, or a few, and even for getting a bit tipsy despite bf-ing . However, he doesn't know when to stop, and finds it hard to go a night without a drink. I understand why - usual life problems, money, job, etc etc. However, I feel that at this point, money and children being the main factors, we should be able to have a drink three nights a week at most and get drunk only one of those.

When I try to say this, he agrees, but then will make a joke of it later in the day, so that I feel if I don't go along with buying some alcohol I seem like a real killjoy (cue contrast with our earlier, carefree life - aren't I a boring old hag now etc).

Sorry to go on but I am really not sure what to do - and don't particularly want to share with my judgemental family.

Sorry if I don't reply straightaway but would prefer to keep this private from dp for now!

Typically someone with an alcohol problem will be in denial about how dependent they are on it. So they may well agree to cut down but then find any way to justify their next drink. Including going back on an agreement and making other people feel bad for standing in the way of their drinking.
Many many mnetters have the same experience as you and there is no quick fix.
I hate to say it but getting drunk with him is probably not a good idea.
Al Anon can give you advice about living with your DP. I'm sure other good advice will be offered by other MNetters.

You may find this thread useful to read through.

Mumstrosity,

In your situation I would be contacting Al-anon (those details are on the other thread pointed out to you by cathcat).

His excuses for drinking are just that - excuses. He will use any excuse to drink. His drink problem is impacting to its detriment on your family life and so it is a massive problem - one that you cannot yourself solve for him.

The hard thing for you to accept here is (but you must accept this) that unless he admits to having a drink problem there is nothing you can personally do to help him. All you can do here is save yourself and the children from any further miseries he will inflict. As he undoubtedly will. You do not want to spend the next 3-5 years like this because this will only get worse for you all. You are tiptoeing around him enough as it is now - you likely have misplaced feelings of shame, embarrassment and fear re him and his drink problem. I would also guess that hardly anyone knows about his drink problem - am I right?.

His primary relationship is now with drink - everything and everyone else comes a dim and distant second now.

You are enabling him by drinking with him - you certainly should not drink alcohol with him at all under any circumstances let alone getting drunk with him one night a week. He cannot stop drinking, the capacity that you have to stop is something he simply does not have and will never have. He needs to stop drinking and if he does not that is his choice ultimately. You cannot make that choice to stop for him.

He is also in denial of the problem and is chucking all the responsibility back on you - another bad sign amongst many here.

There are no guarantees here - he could lose everything around him and he could still go onto drink. You are NOT responsible for this man.

I would think there are elements of co-dependency here- you should read up on that subject too.

What are you both teaching your children here about relationships?. They are seeing all of this and are learning from you both. Having a drunkard for a parent will not do these children any favours at all and can leave them with their own set of problems (they can become super responsible and are more likely to end up with an alcoholic for a partner themselves). This is truly no legacy you want to be leaving them.

I guess your judgemental family have got the measure of him and have probably told you to leave him. If they have indeed said this to you I would consider what they have said very carefully now. BTW talking to him about his drink problem is a waste of your time as he does not want to hear your message (denial again is at work here).

The 3cs re alcoholism:-

1. You did NOT cause this
2. You CANNOT control this (you are guilty here of doing this)
3. You CANNOT cure this (sorry but you cannot).

Your best chance now is to leave him. Sorry but it is.

mums how bad is it? What impact is it having on your day to day life. Without further analysis we should not be saying 'leave him'

very harsh to say leave him.

cathcat - thanks for the link to that very relevant thread.

AttilaThe Meerkat - I appreciate your thoughts. Without my having put more context, I can understand your reaction. However it is not as bad as that. We share a happy life, he is a loving and responsible father, and I am definately not about to leave him!

I'll expand a little - I don't want to bore anyone but your considered reply needs a response.

Our children don't suffer from him, or us, having a drink. We have a reasonably stable routine, and not much other gets in the way of it, and certainly not having a few drinks.

He has never missed a day of work (while I've been with him) due to drinking/hangover. I wouldn't label him a drunkard, as he can and does go days and even the odd self-imposed month without drinking any alcohol. Nor does he often drink before the evening. I would not deny that he finds it difficult not to have a drink if he has no reason not to/has not decided not to, but he can - for example when we (occasionally ) go out for a meal, he is as likely as me to be the designated driver, usually without a fuss .

His primary relationship is with me, and with our children, not with drink. If I insisted he gave up alcohol, he would, but I won't do this as it isn't how I try to conduct my relationship with him.

I have talked a bit to my sisters about this, but avoid speaking to most of my judgemental family because of other issues that I have with them. My sisters think he is wonderful (albeit with problems like anyone else), and don't encourage me to leave him.

Finally, as I believe in the power of a long-term loving relationship between two reasonably reasonable, willing people to help both become better people (naff but true imho) I will speak to him, at an apprpriate point, about my feelings re his drinking too much and see where we go from there.

funnysinthegarden - not a huge impact on our daily life really, other than some mornings where I get up on my own and leave him to sleep in - highly irritating at the time but not divorce material - and some cross words as above re drinking too much/spending too much money.

Mumsrosity

My DH has a similar drinking problem and I am not sure how to handle this either so you have my synpathy. It's a difficult one,

Thanks amothersplace, it seems to be a pretty common problem from reading the other thread.

Mumstrosity,

I agree that last comment did come across as somewhat harsh but you still have two children in all this and they as well as you need to come first. He is spending moneies that you could well do with on drink and this is affecting your family time. That is a problem.

What is the longest time he has gone without drink?. I bet you could give it up completely if you wanted to because you could stick to it. He cannot do that though.

You are still NOT responsible for him but you still carry him along with his alcohol problem. You also shield him from the consequences of his actions.

He sounds like a functioning alcoholic (they certainly do not have to drink every day) but the alcohol problem is still there regardless. He is still having an unhealthy and problematic relationship with drink and he certainly would not stop drinking just because you asked him to.

If and when you do speak to him at a reasonable point and he still denies he has a problem what then for you?. This situation will not get any better for you, him or the children. He is currently showing no signs of wanting help for his problem; infact he is denying all existance of it and makes you doubt your own self.

At the very least do consider contacting Al-anon as they could give non judgemental advice (they would not immediately tell you to leave him for instance but I still stand by that because this could so easily become completely intolerable to you).

You really do not want to spend the next 3-5 years of your life waiting for him to have some sort of epiphany regarding his ongoing problems with alcohol.

He sounds like a drunk.

I speak as an ex-drunk myself.

mumstrosity, I think it's difficult as we perceive "drunks" as the gross tramp in the park. My DH is a recovering alcoholic and he is as far from that stereotype as possible. He held down a demanding job in an investment bank, ran marathons and to the outside world we looked like the perfect couple, albeit the slightly wild couple who always opened that second bottle of wine (or third) etc. I'm sure in our 20s we were just thought of as fun loving.

But Dh's drinking was getting progressively worse and worse. He would always drink at home (to shelter himself) although by the time he went to AA he was drinking every lunchtime (not that unusual in banking, sadly). He drank for a number of "reasons", but he didn't really need any reason, we would drink champagne when we were happy, and he would drink cheap plonk at any time.

Anyway, until DH gave up, I hadn't realised how much I had covered for him, and changed my life to "control" his drinking. Now that he is sober I feel like I can breathe again. If he's on a business trip and I don't hear from him, I'm not sitting fretting that he's horribly drunk somewhere.

DH had to hit rock bottom though, and for him it was an emotional rock bottom. Thank god he never lost his job or licence or worse, although when we lived in London and he would go out drinking and then walk home or end up on a random train I assume he must have had someone looking out for him!

What I will say is that since he has been sober, life is so wonderful. He is the same person, but a better version. He always was a wonderful husband, but now he is even better. Plus his job goes from strength to strength, he has hobbies, is studying - in fact we sometimes wonder how on earth we had time to drink.

Sorry that this is a mammoth post, but I see similarities between your DH and mine.

ozzie - your situation sounds very similar to mine. my dh is also 'otherwise perfect' - but after 3/4 drinks he changes into someone who's only priority is the next drink. he has been in some very dangerous situations as a result and has worried the life out of me. i wondered - does your dh go to AA? mine has been going on and off but really struggles with the commitment it requires (in terms of time and emotionally too) he keeps dropping out because of this but then ending up back in the same place, but worse each time feeling out of control of the drink. i thought he had hit emotional rock bottom at the start of this year and he did a good 6 month stint at AA but in the last 2 weeks he's given up again..and it's quickly reverted back to where we were before. it is a progressive illness so everytime he drinks it's worse. no one really understands and i feel so disappointed that i am in this marriage where this will always be an issue hanging over us one way or another - i'm happy when he's at AA, he's not... but it's not enough to walk away. yet.

I completely agree with ozzie about how our image of a drunk can cloud our judgement - both for the partner and for the person who has an alcohol problem.

I am on another thread where some of us have accepted that we have a drink problem and the different excuses we gave ourselves are really laughable (now that I read them sober). One poster KNEW she wasn't an alcoholic becuase she never drove the car drunk. I did drive the car (to my enormous shame) but I KNEW I was not an alocholic because I never touched the whiskey that was in the house, even when I had finished everything else. I also KNEW I wasn't an alcoholic because I too could be the designated driver.

I didn't start by being an alcoholic, I became one. I never used to drink alone - until I did. I never used to hide the 'evidence' - until the first time I did it. I never used to drink before the evening - until I discovered the joy of a long boozy lunch. Oh yeah, and I never missed a days work, held down a responsible job etc.

But I did have an overwhelming feeling that I needed a drink. When my dp suggested cutting down I would agree but would secretly be panicing and would find some excuse. Always.

I can only agree with others on here. You cannot control his drinking. Please contact al-anon and get some advice for yourself. You may be in a fortunate relationship and your dh may realise early on about his problem and be motivated to do something about it. It will be his choice.

Thanks for all good advice, sorry to be so rude and not get back sooner but my computer broke.

I appreciate all the posts, and perhaps he has a bigger problem than I think, but having talked to him about it, I don't think I can reasonably stop him, as he feels in control.

Tbh having spent a few days thinking about it, I realise I'm not so much worried as annoyed and this probably isn't a reason to go ahead and make an issue out of it. Am I being self-deceiving for an easy life?! Maybe...

He is in control is he, yeah right. That's the denial of his problem talking. There is no maybe about it either. You are self deceiving yourself here for wanting an easier life. Sorry to write that but you are.

You can only help you though; you cannot help him. You are not responsible for him.

The main difference between him and you is that you can enjoy alcohol socially and stop, he cannot do that and he'll never be able to enjoy alcohol responsibly. He does not want to address his alcohol problem and you cannot make him seek help if he does not want it. You enable him by being there and around him; you make excuses for him and clear up after him. Your children pick up on all this unspoken tension within your home particularly as they get older.

Alcoholism is a family disease; you're as much caught up in all this as he is. You need support as well and that is where Al-anon comes in.

Everyone acts around the alcoholic. Your post is mainly about him. Its no life for you and it certainly is no life for your children to be witness to either.

have to agree with attila- she knows my case from another thread

Hi again, sorry but my children do not suffer from this issue. There are no ongoing, all-day-long tensions. They will suffer as much as anyone else's children, and less than many, from all the usual problems found within any family.

I don't enable him by being around him. He's a lovely person, we have our arguments like anyone, but we have a generally happy, healthy and fulfilled life together.

I don't clear up for him at all. If he has to do something, he does it and I don't protect him from the consequences of his actions, although I do support and help him if he needs it. That's what a long-term relationship should involve imho.

No-one acts around him. I have talked openly with him about my problems with his drinking, and we have resolved it together. I'm grateful for the support given but have to stand up for myself a bit here - I'm not down-trodden, unhappy, browbeaten, on eggshells or anything else.

I appreciate all your help and opinions, but feel I've more-or-less got this sorted in my own head. Thanks and all the best!

"I have talked openly with him about my problems with his drinking, and we have resolved it together"

And that has solved it eh . Well till the next time he starts that is. All your post sounds like denial on your part. He has previously made you feel that if you don't go along with buying some alcohol (that's enabling him) you seem like a real killjoy.