educated woman/uneducated man - does it ever work?

[ladychatterley52]

Can a relationship ever work between a highly educated woman and an uneducated man?
Assuming of course that he's intelligent in the first place.

Have just met someone, he's bright, interesting, kind and gorgeous but our backgrounds couldn't be more different. I'm not looking for a husband or provider, just a companion really with some major interests in common. Don't know whether I should get too involved....

I have a phd and a career in medicine), DH is a dyslexic electrician who could barely read when I met him. Makes not one jot of difference to our relationship. I am a person not an eduction. I have huge respect for his practical abilities as an eletrician and have supported him as he has updated his training, struggled to improve his reading and taken on a pilots license (lots of reading involved). I have never ever made him feel small for not knowing how to spell anything (he asks me constantly) and he never makes me feel like a 'snob' for loving historical novels.

Our relationship is fab, we talk about anything and everything, he has HUGE common sense (which often I lack), we have gorgeous children and compliment each other brilliantly.

So in answer to your quesion, yes it can so long as nether partner brings a chip on their shoulder to the relationship.

Education does not make the man (or woman)!

It's not working in our case, unfortunately. It's a big elephant (there are others) in the room in our relationship.

I think it can be an issue. In my case I am educated (Masters degree) while dh left school at 16. Things come up in everyday conversation that highlight his lack of knowledge, like watching the World Cup and not knowing where in the world participating countries are located, such as Brazil!? I say to him "how can you not know that?". Also, when discussing contentious issues that come up every now and again he can have a very narrow minded viewpoint. I think being educated can often give you the ability to look at both sides of the argument.

Another big stumbling block is when it comes to helping the children with their homework. I have to do it all as he is hopeless. He often makes mistakes in things he says in conversation too. I correct them as I don't want my dc to pick up bad habits in the way they talk.

Don't get me wrong, he has lots of good qualities otherwise I wouldn't have married him. But the difference in the way we've been educated does show up from time to time.

xandersmum - i found your post really interesting. I have never said something like 'how can you not know that' to my DH (although I have thought it). I imagine that would be very hurtful. Nor would I dream of 'correcting' him in the way you describe. I would see that as very passive aggressive and undermining of him in front of our dcs. How does your DH react to those comments and being 'corrected'?

Didnt work for me and my ex. He is no fool but by his admission I am a whole lot smarter and out earned him X3 when we met. It wasnt an issue when we built our business together with me supporting the family, but we ended up with him wanting me to be the stay at home mum supporting him whilst he ran the company and me feeling very lost. When I was finally not working and running the home he left us!!! So I picked myself up and went back out to work.

I do think I didnt look up to him enough to keep him feeling happy and fulfilled. His dad hated it that I ouot earned him and used to comment to him all the time as he thought it just wanst right

I think there's much more to a relationship than being on the same educational level.

I don't have a PhD or anything but I'm still young and on track for a degree, and before that had a straight-A record, grammar school, blah blah. DH is older than me and went to what was officially the worst school in the country (at the time he was there), wanted to do a cosmology degree but got pushed into a vocation instead. Because of his school he got used to 'dumbing down' as he was literally beaten up every day for being clever. So on paper, he's not clever at all. But he is intelligent. He just didn't have the opportunities that I have. This makes me quite sad, but he's doing well in his career and will be very involved with our DCs education as he doesn't want them to miss out.

I like that we're so different anyway, he's more science-minded, and more knowledgeable about current affairs etc than I could ever be, so I'm not 'above him' in everything.

And the most important thing is, he's a brilliant husband and father, what more could I want?!

Pheebe, thanks for saying that my post was interesting. The 'correcting' isn't done in a nasty or undermining way, just in a playful and teasing manner. He doesn't mind at all, we are always trying to catch each other out. For example I am crap at mental maths while he can add up huge numbers in his head and work out percentages while I have to reach for the calculator, much to his disdain.

He accepts that I am better at teaching the dcs certain things and allows me to get on with being their primary educator in the home. It does the children no harm to see that not everyone can be good at everything and not to take it too seriously if you do make a mistake and get teased for it. That's life.

I think if problems do develop in a relationship then differences like these could be something to pick on in a way that could be undermining to the other. Just in the way anything different could be used as a reason to snipe at each other.

i have noticed the difference in our educational level more since we had kids. i have an MSc and working towards a doctorate.
He had an HND and completed his OU degree soon after we married when he was 40 but his job prospects don't reflect where he would have been had he got a degree at 21/22.
I think our differences in educational levels are less to do with ability and far more to do with background. i went to a grammar school with pushy parents who funded me through uni.
his dad died when he was 13 which affected his secondary education and he went to local sink comp with a mother who took absolutely no interest at all (to be fair she had her own difficulties, but even now she is quite anti education - sees it as something to be endured).
i do notice now that i have become SAHM mum and realise that if i had married someone with my own educational background our income would have been a bit more liveable on. however, when we were both working and i earnt on 3 days what he did on 5, i didn't mind at all.
sometimes people are surprised. because i had a professional job, when i say he works shifts they say, is he a doctor? and when i say what he actually does they are a bit but secretly i quite like shocking them!
in summary i think it does work. its a shame his life chances weren't as good as mine though. he is bright, was in the top stream at school, and told the careers officer at school that he wanted to be a civil engineer. they said, well, we've got vacancies here for gas fitters.

so in summary, basically unless you're relying on his money (which it doesn't sound like you will be) i don't think it will be an issue.
and even if you are, then surely there are more important things about the relationship....

elastamum, I find the idea of someone wanting to be 'looked up to' by their partner a bit creepy, tbh. If he wanted to be looked up to shouldn't he have got a pet dog, not a relationship?

A lot of very interesting posts here, thank you. I agree totally with the fact that you don't have to be educated to be intelligent, and this guy proves the point. Also he knows how to fix just about anything and is very visual (takes the most beautiful photos) and loves nature.

He has the odd habit I don't care for much (like smoking roll-ups but def not whilst I'm around) but since I have absolutely no plans to live with him or even spend loads of time with him, I don't really care. I think at the moment there are just certain things we like to share (love of nature, ideas about all sorts of things) and that is most enjoyable. We'll see where it goes...

I'm preparing to be flamed.
I couldn't consider a relationship with anyone less educated or less intelligent than me. I need a partner roughly on the same level. It's nothing to do with earning power, but I just need my partner to be about equal in the education/intelligence stakes.
I know it should be about personality, but I've had relationships with some fabulously funny and sparkling women but it isn't enough to sustain a relationship. For me.

xandersmum, again, really interesting . I think you're absolutely right, the key is not to use these differences as ways to undermine one another. But then I suppose if you're in a relationship where there is some sort of power struggle anyway, there will always be something be it education, income, social status...

gay40 I was about to flame you but then on reflection I realised that I probably had limits too. Despite his educational difficulties, DH is incredibly clever and quick and intelligent in ways other than 'book learnng'. Could I be with someone who didn't have that 'as compensation'? I don't think I could. In some ways it would be like living with someonewho didn't share a common language.

Not gonna flame you, Gay40

we should be honest about what we expect out of a relationship

It's when people are not honest, at least to themselves, that the cracks can appear later down the line...

Can certainly work - I'm the academic one in my relationship (hold a postgraduate degree and work in relevant field) whereas dp absolutely hated school, was expelled from a couple and failed to get his high school diploma (he's not from the UK).

However, he is very intelligent and we have some very, erm, heated debates about politics and world affairs. He loves what he does (tattoo artist with own business) and certainly does not feel "inferior" to me, or threatened by me in any way, just because I went to university.

In fact, I think one of the advantages of being with someone with a completely different type of career or skills is the lack of competition between you, because you're so different. My ex was eaten up with envy when I did my Master's, because he wanted to do one as well and couldn't at that time. He couldn't be happy for me at all, and was quite horrible to me about it in fact.