Verbal abuse from XP's new partner

[BertieBotts]

Short background, XP was emotionally and verbally abusive to me and very controlling. I left about 7 months ago now. He's been with his new girlfriend about 3 or 4 months, she's pregnant, they're engaged, and since she came on the scene he has been picking DS up and dropping him off late, cancelling on me at short notice and lying about why, and not paying any maintenence. I don't know her at all, so don't know what she is like as a person.

Anyway I was really annoyed this morning because it was the third or fourth time I'd had to cancel or change plans at short notice because he had been late or decided he was busy doing something else. So when he came I said quite firmly but politely "You are nearly an hour late" XP immediately went into defensive mode as I expected, saying it was "only" 45 minutes, saying they were stuck in traffic, etc. (Does he think I have conveniently forgotten all the times I was with him when he told people that before we'd even left the house?)

Because he was raising his voice I said "I don't want to have an argument about it. I just wanted to tell you I'm not happy about it." He didn't say much else but busied himself putting DS into his carseat in a huff and muttered about "Not allowed to be late once" ( he is late MOST times) I said "Goodbye, DS" even though I couldn't actually see him any more. DS didn't seem upset by this so it wasn't a major problem, but I do usually say goodbye to his face.

So I closed the door and as I was closing it, his girlfriend said "God, she's got a right..." (didn't hear the rest as was closing the door) then a very loud, pointed "TWAT!" which I assume was aimed at me Thanks for teaching my toddler to swear! I didn't really want to start a slanging match so I just hid in the kitchen until they had driven off, but I was so angry that she had said that in front of DS.

It's made me wonder how I should approach issues with XP - he has asked to have DS overnight and all I have said is that I want him to start going for full days rather than half days first. But I also want some time to talk to DS about it and go through his usual bedtime routine etc with XP, but I don't feel able to with his girlfriend around. (And she is ALWAYS around.) I have a feeling anything I say she will take as a slight on her own parenting (she has a DD slightly older than DS), where I am not wanting to tell him how to do it, just give him the information of DS' usual routine and he can do with that what he wants to.

I have been through this,(so this is not objective in the slightest) including the gf making physical threats in front of my ds (although never to my face which says a lot). I went through it the hard way but my advice is see a solicitor NOW and keep a record of everything. This may escalate and neither you nor your ds should have to deal with this spiteful, pathetic behaviour.
Discuss routine with your ex on the phone so she is not directly involved in the conversation. She is clearly a bitch. You are lovely.

I hate to say it, but I'd suggest that you get a friend/family member to have the kids, and have a sitdown over a cup of tea with both of them, so you can all talk through how things are going to be. Flatter her in terms of what an important role she will have in your child's life, blah blah blah, how much you hope she and you can work together in DS' best interests as she is his stepmother.

Basically the poor cow will believe all his lies at the moment - honeymoon period. She may be lovely and in for a terrible letdown, and if you keep the lines of communication open with her, it could pay real dividends for your DS.

You're behaving far better than I could, I have to say. Admire your restraint.

Second lazarusb on keeping a detailed log of all contact, though. Exact arrival times, drop offs, any unpleasant behaviour.

But honestly, he could have told her anything about you... and probably has.

sorry you are goinmg through this. i agre with confuzled. be polite and retain the moral highground with her. invite them round to discuss how EXP would like things to progress. ask him what he wants first (obviously you know he wants overnight stays but ask him so that it means he has to tell you in a direct way and it means he is focusing on you when you are giving your answer. tell him that whilst you agree ds would benefit from overnight contact (it is always about what is best for ds) you think that in order for ds to be comfortable with it you would like him to extend his contact at the minute to full days first of all with a view to progressing to night stays. i would also at that point make it a condition that your EXP agrees to be on time for all arranged contact and to keep all arrangements taht are made, no cancelling or postponing because it is unsettling for ds. if he agrees to all this,set a timescale for how long you expect the full day visits to go on for before he can stay overnight and then agree for EXP to visit you again at that stage, perhaps even to go through a bedtime routine with you at your house so he can see what ds likes. if he doesn't agree to that, tell him he is welcome to take legal advice but they will offer him the same as you have. in the meantime, keep things as they are.

Thanks lazarusb - I am keeping a log of all incidents but I hadn't thought about getting a solicitor. I might look into how much it costs. I don't tend to talk to XP on the phone, just try to keep contact minimal, but when we first split up we did meet up on neutral ground and drew up an agreement for contact and maintenence. The idea was that we would review it in 3 months time, and then after that 6 months, after that yearly. But he never mentioned reviewing it - neither did I, to be fair, but it's been since then roughly that he has been changing things at short notice and coming late etc.

Confuzled and booyhoo Yes I am sure he has told her all sorts of rubbish about me... he told a mutual friend (more my friend than his TBH) that I hardly let him see DS at all so god knows what he is saying to her! I thought about sitting down perhaps just with him, but maybe she should be there as well. I am just wary because although I know he is manipulative, I do know his tricks - better the devil you know etc. I don't know her at all and TBH I do feel a bit wary of her. I know how far he would go but not how far she would! I would definitely want to do it on neutral ground as no way is he ever setting foot in my house - I find it unnerving enough that he knows my address TBH. I would be happy to provide a written or verbal outline of DS' bedtime routine though just to help him settle.

I do think it's what's best for DS that counts and that is why I am reluctant to put any kind of limit on it ie say "If you are late I will stop you seeing him" because DS hasn't done anything wrong. My mum suggested maybe I could say to him "You can pick DS up at 12 as arranged but if you are not here by 12.30 I have other plans and will be taking DS out." That seems a bit scary though! I am not good at confrontation. I would probably be okay if someone was here with me but that seems a bit pathetic, like I should be able to deal with it on my own.

The other biggish thing that happened is that he used to drop off/pick up DS in the town centre, because I didn't want him to know my address. I never explicitly told him this but the agreement was to do handovers on neutral ground. When it snowed this moved to at the end of the next street, and then since then he has slowly come further and further up the street until eventually he was right outside my door and saw me come out with DS, this carried on for a while and now he comes and knocks on the door. It was all done so slowly that I thought it petty to insist he went back to the end of the street (and also he kept "losing" or "breaking" his phone so couldn't let me know when he was there and DS would not be happy standing on the street for 20 mins + waiting) I don't see much point insisting he starts picking him up from the end of the street now, because he already knows where I live and that makes me nervous in itself. I don't know where he lives other than the town - not even a vague area.

Bertie,

I would start formalising all contact arrangements via the courts because he will never play fair. This is just another way to get back at you for having the gall to leave him. He cares not a jot for his child really, he does not care about anyone but his own sorry self. Citizens Advice may be able to assist, besides which some solicitors do free 30 mins consults.

I would also get onto the agency re him paying maintenance for his child. He is still financially responsible for his child and I would not let him shirk that particular responsibility.

Sorry, let me get this straight - your ex, who has a history of being abusive and controlling, "accidentally" found out where you live, is breaching an agreement by now collecting from your door, being unpleasant and aggressive in front of your toddler as well as unreliable when doing so - I demanding overnight stays now - and you don't even know where he lives?! And you have no residence order in your favour, nothing except a bit of paper between the two of you?

Sorry, but I think you need good legal advice asap. Would you be entitled to legal aid, do you know? And any negotiations should at a minimum be happening in a formal mediation session, not ad hoc, even with a friend there.

I'd post on Legal asking for initial advice, and I would call Women's Aid and find out what they think. Personally I would not want anyone having my toddler if I didn't even know where they lived. And I would want clarity on having primary residence before I allowed my ex contact if my ex was as yours is.

I really am sorry, but I think your child needs you to sort this out. You need a bit more control over contact and residence, because you can't protect your DS if you don't have it. I'm horrified by the inequality, and the fact the relationship is so poor you don't know where your son goes when out of your care when so tiny, but you have no formal agreement on anything.

This is a calculator to see if you can get Legal Aid. Though you usually get a free hour of initial advice from a solicitor, anyway.

(Sorry, my c key isn't working)

You're right, I really need to get this sorted, thank you. I will go to AB on monday - the only reason the arrangement is so loose is beause I didn't know another way to do it. I thought that it had to be a divore ase to qualify for legal aid, but maybe it does not.

How do I go through the ourts? Does that mean I have to stop aess and wait for him to take me to ourt for aess? How long would that take, and would they insist on overnight stays at this stage?

The reason I didn't know where he lived was that I didn't want him knowing my address so I didn't ask for his, either. When he found out where I lived in retrospet I should have asked for his address then.

I'm sorry, I know this all sounds a bit dodgy and half hearted, but I have just been doing this on my own from the start, there was no physial abuse so no polie involvement et. I found somewhere to rent with the help of my mum so didn't ontat women's aid in the end. I did try to sort things out through a ontat entre originally but I went on the website and they said put your email address and phone number here and we will ontat you with the details of your nearest entre, and then they never did.

Every time I have asked for advie sine I left when I have been worried about who XP has had around DS et (his girlfriend mainly, she only reently regained ustody of her DD, and I was onerned about why that might have been. But also a dodgy looking bloke who has photos on his faebook page of drugs paraphanelia and weapons) I have been told I am being paranoid and I have no right to question who XP has around DS unless I atually have proof that they are harming him. I am under a ommon Assessment Framework with my Health Visitor through the hildren's entre and they write down everything whih we talk about in the sessions, but when I mentioned my onerns about my ex they said "Let's not write this down, if you're not 100% sure about it." Am I going mad? Is this serious, or isn't it?

The other main person I have been asking for advie is my mum - she divored my dad when I was 6 and my sister was 3, and had similar problems - not knowing where he lived for ertain periods of time, not liking the people who he had around us, but she said there is nothing muh you an do and has just been giving me suggestions in trying to speak to him about it, whih don't work beause he will agree to my fae and then go off and do the opposite.

It worries me what you say onfuled about primary residene - I just assumed beause I had him all the time and got hild benefit for him that that would be assumed. But maybe not. I will post on legal anyway.

Any proceedings to do with kids are eligible for Legal Aid, absolutely, if your income is low enough and you don't have a lot of equity in a property.

Print out the Facebook stuff asap and give it to your mother to keep - and a separate copy to someone else as well, actually.

You are not being paranoid and this is serious. Can I ask if AB is the solicitor I recommended elsewhere to someone in the London area? Because if you are at all near London she is excellent, but if you aren't, call her and ask for a rec anyway.

I can't offer advice on what to do next because I'm not a lawyer, but YES you do need to get legal advice, and fast IMO, so tomorrow sounds like a brilliant idea.

You're obviously an intelligent and reasonable woman from your posts here. I'm so sorry you have had to cope with such a horrendous relationship and that you are still being bullied like this. You need support and help in standing up to him, and that's what a good lawyer can offer. Verbal abuse is abuse and intimidation and you absolutely should not be subjected to it.

OK, I will definitely look into it. I don't have any equity and am not working at the moment so it sounds like I should be able to get it. Thanks for your help

I an't find the stuff on faebook now, sine XP made his profile private. I may be able to aess it through a friend's aount.

I'm not in London but I don't understand what you are saying about AB - is that a typo?

You said you would go to AB on Monday - if you meant CAB I really wouldn't, they are great with tenant disputes but family law is extremely complex. Alison Burt is a very, very good family law solictor I rec'd to someone else so thought you might mean her, but she only works on legal aid cases if they are London based. Not to worry, there are lots of very good solicitors. Women's Aid may be able to rec one I would expect.

My big concern is that you have no residence order. I'd post on Legal and ask one of the MN peeps for initial advice? Plenty of family lawyers help posters in that section, and they'd help you know what to do next.

I'd def try to get a friend to get that Facebook stuff. It's scary, I'm sorry.

Ah I see - sorry, my c key is not working (have to copy and paste one from somewhere else!)

I will ask around and see if anyone knows a good soliitor loally who will take legal aid.

I have had a bit of a look just on google and feel a bit better informed but will definitely see if anyone has any other advie.

I would be worried about him taking your DC and not bringing him back. If you dont know his address you would be stuck.

That is my concern, too.

Chambers do a thing called Legal 500 where they rec. people all over the world. It's obviously never going to include every good lawyer, and you may get a personal rec you would rather go with instead, but just in case you don't and given you need advice asap I had a quick look round for you:

Birmingham (public child law is when kids are taken into care, so don't be scared that they represent high net worth divorce as well. It just means they're good)

Also in Birmingham, this woman is described as "a tower of strength for her clients" by the Legal 500. The firm's website is here

Warwick, and this is the recommended firm.

You can have a look to see if any are closer to you here. Leamington Spa is an option.

Remember to ask about legal aid when you call? No point wasting time on a firm you can't use.

Thank you Confuzled. Yes detse I had thought that, and went to post it and then got paranoid that he might see the thread and get ideas! I don't know why since I don't imagine that he is trawling mumsnet just in case I post about him.