Confused, dont't know where I stand, don't know what to do

[squashimodo]

I have been married for 10 years, and I now know this marriage was rubbish from the beginning, I was naive and stupid from the start. I should have left a long time ago. My h is controlling and at times abusive, but now I have become the same. Our relationship is explosive when we are alone, but in front of the kids we keep a calm front. We often argue in whispers but in an explosive way. We make no progress towards improving our relationship largely because he likes to focus on micro points and I want to change the general patterns in our relationship. I feel that if we don't solve the heart of the problem, then the rest can never be sorted out. I spend alot of time accusing him, and he is defensive so not very productive. I have told him I want a divorce. He was about to leave once and told me that I have to tell the kids in the morning because he would be gone by then, so I asked him to stay and to try a bit more, he made me beg. I am so ashamed to admit that now, but I just couldn't bear to tell the children.
I also think that he is playing some sort of game where he tries to make the children love him more. H will try to grab the baby from me whenever I am picking her up. He will comfort the boys whenever he can, and has started telling our 7 year old that he will do what ever he needs and rolls his eyes in my direction and tells him his mother is ill again, or tired. I have thought abuot this, and I am convinced that he is trying to make the dc prefer him so that he can have a chance of custody. He has also started saying that I am dangerous and violent, unstable and unreliable.
He has hit me and I hit him back, but he seems to enjoy hitting me, I hate that I have to defend myself physically. There has been no sex for over a year, since I got pregnant with dd who is 9 months old. I don't miss it at all. He would make me feel humiliated in some way, and has hurt me physically during. Lately he tried to pressure me, and I told him that I don't feel turned on bu that approach, and i want love and romance so he laughed at me. He makes me feel stupid and unworthy.
Today he told me that his friends wives cope with everything on their own, and that they are better than me. He also told me that I would never be able to cope without him.
I told him again I want a divorce, and he has gone upstairs quietly and is not talking to me of this. He has gone to sort out some error on a pc.He has taken the baby monitor with him, did not ask me.
Please tell me what is unhealthy about my relationship, I know it is not great, but feel confused about things.
There is more, I just think that would be too long an essay.

God, I am stupid aren't I?
I just read my OP to myself. He has made me a fool. I never used to be like this.

God, GET OUT OF THAT!!

Horrid, horrid for you! I'm so glad your post gave you the perspective you needed.
"Please tell me what is unhealthy about my relationship" ... Everything.

He seems to be rapidly escalating his aggression, physical verbal and emotional. You absolutely do not need this, neither do your kids.

You mean, please tell you what is healthy about your relationship! As far as I can see, nothing!

You do realise he was only saying you would have to tell the children he had left because he knew that would make you ask him to stay? Had you said "ok then", he'd have still been there in the morning, sneering at you. He doesn't want to go. He wants you to either knuckle under or flounce out.

The alienating the children thing, very familiar, he's either after residence or scaring you to stay in case you lose them. It's a filthy thing to do as it can have long-term repercussions on his own children's emotional stability. Do not let this continue.

I strongly recommend you look up information on divorce and separation on the CAB website, and then start looking for a good, reasonably priced family law solicitor. Your local CAB should have a list of solicitors who accept legal aid or whatever they call it nowadays, if you don't have independent access to money.

And don't feel stupid. Many strong, intelligent, capable women have found themselves, to their own astonishment, in your situation. Horrible, controlling men use these techniques because they work. But once you've realised they are just techniques, they become much less effective.

Good luck.

Are you in London? If so, I can rec an absolutely shit hot solicitor. Perfect for you. She is very conciliatory and child-focused when appropriate, but when my friend's ex's solicitor mistook this for weakness, she ate them in one mouthful. Terrifying to witness in a "thank god she is on the right side" kind of a way. She is the best family lawyer for this sort of complex situation (ex made absolutely lying accusations of abuse of the kids in this instance) as she is clear on how the system works but also very good on how to cool things when her client's distress may harm their case, and completely dedicated to the best interests of the kids. Some lawyers do unfortunately amp up the aggression when that isn't helpful or necessary. She does not. She is very, very good, but only does legal aid cases if the client is London based. Having said that she could rec. someone somewhere else who would be really good, too. Alison Burt at Covent Garden Family Law.

You need a really good solicitor and you need them now. This is a terrifyingly horrible situation for you and for the kids - this is their one chance at a childhood. Please, please make the phone call and get an initial appointment with her, or someone she recommends. It sounds to me as if he is trying to ensure he gets residence, and you need to move and put things in place so you are able to protect yourself and your kids.

Finally, there is nothing anyone can do to avoid a relationship like this, because abusers very rarely start out treating you like crap. It's always frog in a bathtub stuff.

He is a cunto - get rid !

Hope you're doing okay, Squashimodo.

Leave. Today. Go to a woman's refuge if you need to, and make sure all of the kids are with you at all times.
Call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 , they should be able to advise you on what to do and how to do it. Get yourself a lawyer, if you can, a shit hot one like confuzled mentioned would be brilliant.
It sounds to me like you're in that stage (which is perfectly normal btw) of feeling like the behaviour you are putting up with is so normal that there's no point in doing anything about it. There is. or the sake of your children if not yourself, get out TODAY. Good luck xxx