bored bored bored and feel like I'm going mad

[arabella2]

bored with my "relationship" with dh - not really a relationship as though we are fairly civil and friendly during the week, the weekends are harder with dh often very critical and quite negative though fact that house is total tip is a lot my responsibility and don't blame him for feeling annoyed about this.....
in lots of ways we are quite detached from each other I think - we talk mainly about the kids and a bit about his work and what I might have got up to during the day - we have 3 kids who are 4, 6 and 8...- but we are not close emotionally, are never affectionate with each other or rarely and might sleep together once every 6 weeks (this is oddly good, but I get offended by the fact that the next day dh goes back to not touching me at all as in hugs or anything)...
dh also a workaholic and can be short tempered, but though in many ways he is my friend as we have known each other for so long (we've been together for 14 years), I suppose the worst thing is that I am just bored - like I know all his opinions on things (a lot of them cynical or negative) and that I could quite easily (if there were no kids involved) walk away from my "relationship" with him... even quite amicably as I would say it's definitely time to delve into life more rather than watch TV every night and hear the opinions of only one person...
one thing I do is invent little "scenarios" in my head to keep myself going... I've had a
crush on a teacher at school for the last 3 years, well - I say 3 years but it's more like, one dd was in nursery with him 2 years ago and my second dd is just finishing nursery with him this year .... so it's kind of the last my contact with this teacher who is kind to the kids and kind of has a reassuring safe presence as well as being funny and accepting .... now however my "crutch" is not going to be there any more and it feels scary...
I suppose one of the problems is that dh is my first and only partner (a bit odd I know) and part of me can't believe that I am never going to be able to be happy with anyone else but how selfish is that??? I am 41 and dh is 53.
The best course of action I know is tidy and declutter the blooming house, I'm sure this will make things easier between dh and I at the weekends which will in turn make it easier for the kids whom I am sure must feel some of the stress.... then look after my own needs for social and mental fulfillment (ie. do something other than watch tv every night)...
One of the other mad things I do (apart from having endless escapist crushes that have no basis in reality) is drive around in the car listening to music really loud - have a real desire to go dancing but don't know where to go which isn't only full of 20 year olds...
I don't know if I come across as selfish - I know my first responsility is to the kids and there is a lot I can be doing here at home to improve their life (not that it's bad, just slight chaotic!) but at the same time I am just bored and crave some excitement, or the thought that I am important to somebody who really appreciates me and who cares about what I do and think and how I feel...

and whom I have a real bond with and who looks me in the eyes and smiles, there, sound even madder now

arabella2, have you thought about going back to work? You sound bored silly, angry, frustrated. But my god, so would I be without some external stimuli.

What did you used to do before children?

you don't sound mad at all. I only have the same old advice for you, have you tried 'date night' with your DH? Get a babysitter, dr.ess up, go out, hopefully find some of the magic that got lost due to having DC's etc

and yes, get a job, do a course, volunteer

Thx for messages. The thing about date night is that I don't think I really want to go on one with dh - plus he is not really into this kind of thing, he'd rather go out as a family.
Before kids I was in admin (never want to do this again if poss) and also did three years of teaching english as a foreign language. I've been volunteering at the dcs school 3 times a week for a few weeks now which is interesting and am going to do about 9 hours of volunteering a week next year when littlest dd goes to reception... I'm also planning to do a course about supporting learning in primary schools with a view to hopefully getting a job as a teaching assistant the academic year after next.... I feel quite excited about this but a small small part of me wonders whether I want to volunteer to have some sort of contact with object of mad crush, though on the other hand I think on balance not - there are lots of things I enjoy about being in the school environment

Hmmm. perhaps you are just bored with your DH. What would happen if you left him?

You do know you can't just have an affair without any consequenses (sp?) ?

Yes I know, plus I was really quite naive and innocent before I met dh and think in lots of ways I still am so I don't think I would know how to have an affair - the first and biggest stumbling block being that I don't know any men really - all my friends are other mums.
Leaving dh would mean mental trauma and splitting up dcs family and not being able to spend all my time with them which would be awful...
It's strange cos though dh feels very familiar and comfortable in a way (though don't enjoy many of our weekends together), I'm pretty sure that if we were without kids I could walk away - there would probably be sadness but it would be ok

Ok, first of all, it is your choice, and yours alone, whether or not you are bored.

You can change your circumstances so they asre not so boring. You can arrange your own evening entertainment, make friends and socialise, or keep yourself occupied with all sorts of hobbies and crafts.

As others have siad you can get a job.

Yuo can leave you DH if you truly think you are not suited to each other and are not enhancing each other's lives.

Or you can decide to change, or change your outlook, wither accpet your DH and your life, and not be bored, or do something to change it.

your life is in your hands. Yours and yours alone.

Don't have an affair for the sake of your children. If you are really unhappy, and they are too then you need to think of a different way out of it

Don't just saty with your SH for the sake of the kids, they will not thank you for it when they are older.

agree, don't stay with your DH for the sake of the children either

It's not really that - I don't think I have the guts to split up or really want to as the whole fabric of my life would unravel... Maybe lots of couples get to the stage where they are more friends than anything else and I should accept this? Maybe what I am hankering after is just the beginning stages of a relationship and wouldn't last anyway? Still bored though. I agree OverMyDeadBody that whether I am excited about life or not is my responsibility.... but I think that those couples who have an intimate emotional connection are luckier than those who don't. I could do all the activities in the world but that wouldn't change the fact that dh and I only ever kiss if we are having a shag.... or mostly only smile at each other if we are laughing about something the kids have done

I think you need to find something you are passionate about, not another man but something else, and get involved in that. What are your hobbies/interests? What are the things you have always wanted to do/achieve but have not had the chance til now because you were too busy bringing up your DC's?

I can relate to how you feel as I feel similar. I am bored. There is not much of a spark with DH. But I love him, he is a good husband and dad and I think it's up to me to find what I am missing. I do think about other men and like you, would love that initial excitement and passion that comes with meeting a new man. But after a few years I know I would feel exactly like I do now, bored. So I don't think that's the answer, not for me anyway. I have recently turned 40 so I think I am having a bit of a mid life crisis really!

Hi ABitTipsy - yes I can relate to the mid life crisis thing - you suddenly think, is this it, as if your future life is totally mapped out with nothing exciting left to do - there are lots of places I would like to go by myself but bringing a family along as well as an often complaining husband is not quite the same thing - there are nice things I want to do with the kids and we will dohave done them, but also feel personally fed up. You're right, I need to concentrate on interesting things to do(flute, yoga, dancing, going out with friends whatever) as well as possible work, and take it from there. I guess loads of people, even those in the best of relationships (and yours sounds good) have "lost their spark" - not a reason to up sticks however - thanks.

I know how you feel. I often feel the same but you shouldnt use that boredom to justify an affair. Too many of my friends have done that and regretted it.

But how do yo get the spark back?

Arabella2 - your first responsibility is to yourself. You need to put more effort into your life (get your house in order...) and you will feel much better about everything.

Well, I am definitely having some sort of crisis ! See my thread about having a crush... I am single so for me having a crush is ok, but I am in general fed up with my life as it is. Actually it's no so bad, as I have a good, interesting job, lovely DD, some friends (could do with more), but what I suddenly crave is to be just me, and have someone fall madly in love with me.

But you, OP, have a loving husband, so don't give up on the relationship, but try to do more things just for yourself.

Arabella, I can completely relate to the bit where you talked about feeling 'Is this it then?' as that is how I feel. DH and I have had a very tough 9 years, with loads of problems of various kinds, coping with bringing up young DC's etc. We now seem to be coming out the other side, my youngest DC is also starting full time schol next year like yours and all of a sudden it feels like we are at the top of the mountain and it's easy going all the way from here (I know it's not but that's how it feels to me at the moment just because of the nightmare the last few years have been).

Whilst I would probably have rather not have gone through the difficulties of the last x number of years, at least my various struggles stopped me from ever feeling bored! Now the struggles are way easier, I feel I have spare capacity and energy in me that needs an outlet. Before all my energy was taken up with just coping with my problems and bringing up the DC's.

I need to find a passion in life and pursue it....trouble is I have no idea what that passion might be

Arabella, perhaps you just need to hang on in there for a bit as it sounds as if your life will get more interesting next year. You have got quite a few things lined up to do once your youngest DC is at school. You are just treading water now and that is boring.

ABitTipsy - I can really relate to that. I too have had lots of problems in recent years, and now that I have finally dealt with some of them, and my life is actually ok, I am craving so much more.