DH not enjoying family life

[RBJ72]

Been with DH for 13 years, married for 5. 3 failed attempts at IVF and 4th was succesful leading to birth of DD in March 09 (she's now 15 months). DH has been cool and distant in past month. Going out a lot more after work. Not seeming to want to spend any time with me and DD. Got to a stage when communication almost broke down without us realising. When confronted he says that he isn't enjoying family life as much as he thought he would and that I'm not affectionate enough either in the bedroom or out of it. He feels that DD gets all my love and emotions.He says he doesnt want to be in one of those marriages where the husband and wife just end up as friends and that he'd prefer to find love elsewhere!

I'm pretty upset and confused about all this and also starting to get quite angry about it. I admit that I never initiate sex but we do have it fairly regularly. Since this all came up I have been trying to make an effort to be more affectionate. Quite frankly I feel that he's prepared to throw it all in at the first hurdle when I never once thought I would go off and find someone else to have kids with when we are in the darkest period of the IVF process.

The icing on the cake is that I've just discovered that I am pregnant which has happened naturally! This should be the most amazing thing ever but I'm so confused and upsate about our relationship that I can't get excited. Things between us probably took a turn for the worse when I told him about being pregnant. He now probably feels trapped. He hasn't asked me once how I'm feeling.

Any advice from anyone who's been through something similar in their relationship would be much appreciated.

Thanks mathanxierty for making me laugh as I was getting more and more depressed as I read everyone's comments.

There is a lot of "slumped in front of the telly" which he has said is boring but then he never does anything about it. He could easily ring me up and say I've booked a babysitter and am taking you out' but never has. I've booked us a nice lunch out on Saturday while MIL looks after DD so will see what he arranges after that.

Apart from that lots to take on board.

I don't think any of us are meaning to depress you but I can count at least 4 of us on this thread (including me) whose mariages have broken down. Like Shimmery, my H said similar things, I tried harder and harder and he was already having an affair.

I know it's not nice to consider what some of us have said, but please listen, especially to whenwillifeelnormal. She was such a huge help to me on my thread when my marriage broke down and she's very wise.

Oh RBJ I feel for you, I really do. How is your self esteem? Are you taking care of yourself properly whilst all this is going on? I am certain that your dd is fab - I'm worried about you.

My exH said something to a third party about how dull family life was at one point, and I strongly suspect he had already checked out mentally and emotionally from our marriage at that point.

I asked him again last night if he was either having an affair or had someone in mind and he denied it. I said I would cut his balls off if he did. Both our parents divorced due to infidelity. His father had an affair and left him and his mother on their own when he was 13 - they have a good relationship now but it took a long time. I cannot believe he would do the same thing?!

However as everyone has rightly pointed out he isn't even pretending to sugar coat how he feels and saying that he wonders if there is someone better out there has really upset me and pissed me off.

I'm not sure where to look for clues apart from his blackberry. I've only met a few of his work colleagues and he works in quite a male dominated environment so can't think of any likely candidates.

Going to look into Relate now.

Thanks for all the advice. I haven't been able to talk to any friends or family because I don't want to poison them against him and also because nobody knows I'm pregnant.

He is highly unlikely to fess up, RBJ72. And he is likely to do what his father did, treat his wife as his father treated his mother, follow the family pattern.

To say what he has said, yes you are right -- it's upsetting and also humiliating for you, and I think it begs a request for him to make up his mind pretty fast what he wants or pack his traps.

I can't imagine how hard this is for you but I would ask yourself do you really want to be with him anyway?
He isn't making you feel wanted or loved is he?
I'd make the decision for him and tell him you'd rather be on your own than with someone who doesn't want him and when he grows up to let you know and you'll think about letting him come back.

Sorry not trying to make you feel bad but he's calling all the shots and I don't think he should be.

wow I am going through dificulties in my own marriage right now but this sounds awful and I do think I would have real issues with these kind of heartless and frankly selfish comments, What an arse! years of trying for children and the stress of IVF and yes its is very tough having a child and very tiring and draining and thats parenting! its not like you didnt plan it or want it and now you have done it naturally its amazing news and because of his behaviour you feel you can't even celebrate. Kick him our for a few weeks, let him "find love elsewhere" or whatever crap he said and he will soon see who needs who and how selfish he has been