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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do I Go For It Or Get Out Now

41 replies

HelpPrettyPlease · 02/07/2010 15:21

Just testing name change to start

OP posts:
colditz · 23/07/2010 23:15

trust me when I say that the police do not look kindly upon Twats

HelpPrettyPlease · 24/07/2010 13:08

Thank you for your advice.First thing monday morning im going to see a solicitor about getting a restraining order and contact order for the children.If i can help it i will never have to be near him ever again.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 25/07/2010 09:29

All I can say is, however nice NM is, if he won't call the police on a violent loony because of loyalty to his so-called mate, he is not a good long-term prospect for a life partner. He's got his values all arse-over-tip. Sorry, that's not very sympathetic, but his reaction annoys the life out of me. It suggests that he too sees you as your ex's property, a piece of his territory that a mate shouldn't step on, rather than a human being with the right to make your own choices and be with whoever you jolly well want to be with.

HelpPrettyPlease · 25/07/2010 09:48

Anniegetyourgun Do you know what none of my rl friends have known what to say.I have been quite upset.But that post has just made me feel heaps better.You are so right why should i waste my time being upset over a man that clearly wasnt worth it.Thank You

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 25/07/2010 10:04

Oh good! I was afraid I was being a bit rough . It's a shame this one didn't work out, but it proves you can love again because you are a loving person. The 'orrible ex can't take that away from you however hard he tries. You will be happy without him.

QueeferSutherland · 25/07/2010 11:10

Annie-absobloodyloutley.

Don't get involved if he gives any credence to ex's frankly crazy ideas about him having "rights" to you. If he doesn't see ex as a dangerous loon, which he clearly is-he is not good enough for you.

Please please get a restraining order.
If this man thinks he can bully you years after you broke up, there is something deeply deeply wrong with him.

HelpPrettyPlease · 25/07/2010 12:20

Thank you ladies.I will make my solicitors appt tommorrow.Im also going to try and get moved now.Time for a complete change.I start some serious studying in september too so at least i will have plenty to keep me occupied.

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 26/07/2010 14:04

Annie is absolutely spot on.

You are taking absolutely the right steps.

Good luck with everything !

HelpPrettyPlease · 26/07/2010 16:40

Just to update.I phoned loads of solicitors today with many that deal in family law matters being on holiday.I finally got an appointment for friday.So hopefully i can make it through ok untill then.Ex has been texting but im just ignoring it and im out for much of this week with the dcs anyway.

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 28/07/2010 00:51

Good luck with everything!

swallowedAfly · 28/07/2010 01:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SolidGoldBrass · 28/07/2010 01:34

Have a word with WOmen's Aid and the local police DV unit as well, tell them you think you might be in danger from XP, then if XP turns up banging on the door then the police will already be aware of him and will come and cart him off.
New man has been a bit pathetic but it could be cowardice as much as sexism: quite a lot of people would decide that they don't want to risk getting beaten up in order to pursue a relationship that's still fairly new.

ItsGraceActually · 28/07/2010 02:51

I totally agree with the above, and am glad Annie posted what she did. The law's on your side, lovey, so go ahead and use it.

I'm sorry about New Man - it would have been nice if it'd worked out differently but, tbh, his attitude stinks. I hope he didn't get beat up too badly but, from your point of view, at least this has shown you just where his priorities are. You deserve NOTHING LESS than someone who values you for who you are, not 'what' you are or where you fit with their other priorities.

I disagree with your other resondents on one point - I feel you would benefit from counselling. Some of the things you've written make me really sad: your sense of dis-entitlement and a poor sense of self-worth show through, whereas you're clearly a brilliant woman who deserves to know she deserves the best

You can ask your GP - most are fairly clued up these days, and you have the right to a couple of months' worth of counselling. Another fantastic resource, if there's one near you, is Womens Aid's Freedom Programme. I think it could help you loads.

Good luck with the solicitor!

BaggyAgy · 28/07/2010 03:36

Hi,
Prepare now for the solicitor's appointment, so that you don't forget to mention anything. As you write, you will probably remember further things that you might easily have not remembered. Start now writing things down. Begin with the dates of your relationship, the ages of your children, your ages, his name, his address, occupation, his criminal record etc, all of it. If you can remember dates, great. Save any relevant texts to show the solicitor. Write the wording of the texts down anyway. Write down what you can remember about any threats that he has made to you, or to anyone else about you. List any physical abuse of you or your child. It will not matter that you can't "prove" things. A judge will decide if what you are saying happened, is true. Most people who are abused and live in fear, have no independent "proof", because most bullies don't bully or threaten in public where there are potential witnesses. Give what you have written to your solicitor so that he has the facts and cannot then get things wrong. (Solicitors do get things wrong) . Ask for a photocopy of what you have written. You will save solicitor's time and you can be sure that he knows what you want to tell him, because he has it in front of him, in black and white. From now on keep a diary of your ex's behaviour or rather misbehaviour. Write down the time and the date. Use an exercise book as your diary. This diary then becomes your evidence, should you ever need it. Diaries are usually believed. If you write matters down soon after they happen, ( abusive telephone calls, threats, pushing and shoving, slaps, unexpected visits etc.,) you will not get confused about times and dates, if you ever have to give evidence in court.

Remember, you would not presume to tell him whom he may date. You know that you do not have the right to tell him what to do. In just the same way he has no right to interfere in your life. He is not your father, and you are not his child.

Good luck with the move and the studies. Can you keep your new address secret from him? Maybe his contact with your child with could take place at a contact centre, or handovers could. If you are really scared of him, have handovers take place in public places, such as outside the local police station. Get some one else to do handovers if possible, to avoid meeting him. Insist that all communication takes place through solicitors. Ignore texts. Change your number. Take control.

Good luck

HelpPrettyPlease · 28/07/2010 09:01

Thanks for all the advice.It is really helping.
ItsGraceActually you are right i really do think i need to go to the gp.I do have very low self esteem and a feeling of no self worth.Thats spot on.He messes so much with my head that i have always given in before and let him back into my life as he makes me believe that im the one with the problem.

BaggyAgy i will keep a record of everything and i have written down all that i can remember of previous incidents though sometimes im sure my mind has chosen to block things out.He was very abusive on the phone when it first happened but then started texting me seemingly polite texts about the boys but on further reading you can spot control he feels he has over me.He is not asking me but telling me what to do in most of them and always presumes to tell me how i feel and what im thinking.

OP posts:
BaggyAgy · 29/07/2010 18:19

HelpPrettyPlease, well done writing everything down! Add to it as things come to mind. You may well start to remember things you have "blocked out". By having your case in writing it saves time with your solicitor. He or she can spend the time with you asking further questions, rather than writing down what you say.

Decide before the solicitor's appointment what contact (access) would suit YOU and the children. Offer that.

He will possibly try to get you to stop using a solicitor, so that he can more easily control/manipulate you. Don't fall for it.

Tell us how it goes!

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