I don't know if this is a good idea-your opinions please

[NotANewbie]

I have problems getting aroused. Dh wants to please me but I'm bored with what he does. I don't know what he could do to excite me. I want to suggest that he should do a bit of research and come up with something new, but I'm not sure if that is a good idea. Would it be like telling him that it is ok to watch or read porn?

Look love, the best thing you could do would be to tell him what you want him to do

If you are unsure about that, have a play around with yourself to pin down what does it for you, or read a bit of erotic fiction for inspiration

Visual porn is not great, tbh as so much of it is shit and not particularly fixed on a woman's pleasure (unless you find it arousing to get jizzed all over your face by 6 hairy men )

Good luck !

But I don't know what I want him to do. I don't know what turns me on. I just don't get turned on, by myself or with him. When I'm with him I sometimes get a vague interest. That's as good as it gets for me.

I've done lots of reading. I've tried about 4 different vibrators. I've tried therapy. But it's always been me doing all the trying, and him going along with it.

Do you fancy him ?

Yes.

OK it's not like it was 15y ago, I know relationships change, but he is still the only man for me.

AF I have laughed loud and hard for the first time today.

Newbie, is he going in at the right end?

Go away Unlkelamazon. I don't need to have you poking fun at me. This is not a happy situation for me, and it's very embarrasing and it's taken me weeks to build up the courage to ask for help. So just go away and laugh at someone who really is being funny.

wotcha finding funny, UA ?

btw...you are a lovely person and I wish I knew you in RL (re. that other thread...you know the one I mean)

She's not poking fun at you, it was a harmless joke but I see why it upset you. (She really is a very kind person and I also wish I knew her in real life, also referring to another post)

I would recommend to you a game called Monogamy. It terrified me that my relationship was in a place that warranted this, but it is really good fun, and coupled with a lot of alcohol, will get you and your partner to try things that you wouldn't have had the courage to before.
We've not had it (the game) out for a long while and thinking about it I might cancel my night of drinking and go and shave my legs! Good luck!

If you want opinions on him doing research then I think it depends where he looks

Like AF says, he's unlikely to get many ideas about women's pleasure from most porn since it generally isn't about women's pleasure AT ALL

I don't really know what to suggest, given that you have explored this a bit yourself and you still don't know what you want him to do

do you fantasise? do you get turned on by yourself when you're trying out the toys and books etc?

I'm finding Spartacus very arousing at the moment, all those oiled up and muscley gladiators, yum.

Honestly OP, if you haven't got a clue how to turn yourself on, how's the poor bloke supposed to know?

I can only suggest something like the "superhot sex" book by Tracey Cox or similar, he won't get any decent tips from
porn, unless you fancy being jackhammered at whilst upside down.

Doesn't working on his arousal get you going? giving pleasure is just as nice as getting it.

Arousal starts in the head, no amount of physical stimulation will get you interested unless your mind is already there.

Another thing that I did once (god I hope no-one esp. DH knows this is me, as it was with an ex) was to organise an "Amsterdam night". I got dressed up a little sluttily and kept the room dark and candle lit. He didn't know what was going on. I gave him a menu and some (but not much) monopoly money. There were things i could do for him, for which he could pay, and a section with things he could do for me, to earn more money. It worked because, like you, I find it hard to know what I want or assert myself in these situations, so all the decisions came down to him, but they were all things I was willing to try.

OP, UA does not mean you to be offended I am sure

just being lighthearted, like I was

oh god someone tell me how brilliant i am!

Loopy sounds like fun, I did something similar recently but DD came home to find DH shoving £20 notes down my bra, I wasn't dressed sluttily though, I was (half) in my work uniform and straddling him on the sofa . DD just tutted and said "what are you doing, aren't you a bit old for this"!
A bit of roleplay can be fun, I'm partial to a bit every now and again to keep things interesting.

loopy, you are brilliant < ahem >

phew! thanks

What about erotica literature/films especially those aimed at women? Some women get quite turned on by soft porn aimed at men even if they are not gay. What about stuff by Anais Nin etc? Erotic review magazine - sounds quite pretentious - ie aimed at people who think they are too intellectual to need porn so have to cloak it in a literary title - but if it works at tickling those erotica brain cells then so be it!

I'm not sure that it has to start in the head. What seems to happen most of the time is that my head is interested but my body doesn't follow through. Eventually my head gives up, gets bored, and wanders off.

In the past there were times when I wasn't particularly interested, but dh persisted so pleasantly that I felt my body responding before my head did.

I know what you mean about the pleasure of giving pleasure. But it's begining to feel like a one-way street.

Malificence - because he's a different person with a different way of looking at things. What I think of doesn't work, so maybe what he thinks of will work. But also because not much effort seems to be coming from him any more. It's almost as if he has accepted that I won't get anywhere, he'll do a token job at arousing me and then I can sort him out.

Seriously, try Monogamy.

try lots of different erotic fiction & find out what turns you on. Dont be scared if its a bit kinky until you know you won't be able to let him.