counselling after emotional affair

[loves2walk]

I just wanted to follow on from helicopter's post about counselling and breaking the stalemate after an EA - but didn't want to 'hi-jack' your thread helicopter! so thought best to start a new one.

I would really appreciate views from people about how likely/possible it is to change deeply ingrained behavioural patterns through counselling. Me and H are having couple couselling after an EA. He has a controlling style of behaviour, can be bullying, 'rises' to any confrontation and is likely to have learnt that from an overbearing, aggressive father and a passive mother. I, on the other hand, am not assertive, avoid confrontation at all costs and seem to be copying my father's quiet, non-confrontational style (so not repeating the gender types I grew up with, but adopting the peacekeeper role in the family that he represented when I was a child).

That is where we have got to with counselling. However, H doesn't agree with all this analysis, thinks there is no 'science' behind it, so could all be made up and because it is not possible to 'prove' any of it, it could all be tosh (he is a scientist!). So while he is agreeing to change things at home, and is certainly agreeing that bullying is not good and should not be part of our interactions, it is a rational agreement, and I don't think he 'gets it' at all in terms of the deeper patterns of behaviour that need to be changed.

So while I want to be optimistic about this whole counselling thing, if he is only engaging because I want him to, but not believing in the process, are we going to get anywhere at all?

The other odd thing is that I feel upbeat and optimistic after our sessions, because my feelings have been validated and me and counsellor are 'agreeing' and on same page - but H is very down after sessions. He was genuinely very upset last time and says he feels his security in the relationship is totally thrown and he is scared about lossing me. But he is frankly pretty depressing to be around ATM, really draining.

Thanks for putting that comment from your counsellor in your last post helicopter, I think that's worth trying.

TBH my H is not angry at home at the moment, just either looking like a wet weekend or snapping, which I hate as much as anger but it's harder to challenge. But I will try that approach as I can see how my current approach is still about me taking responsibility for smoothing the path.

I just wanted to tell you helicopter what has helped me this weekend with my H, incase there is anything in it that may help you.

We went out on friday - a completely spontaneous thing which I arranged as I felt fed up with doing yet another bath/bedtime and not having much time away from the demands at home. Usually H would hate a surprise night out - I wonder if this is a characteristic of a controlling person? so I suppose I was yet again challenging him.

Anyway he was fine with it, seemed delighted, so we headed off early for a walk and a chat. This next bit may seem very contrived but frankly right now, we need this level of effort to 'connect' us. I planned to talk about something that would bring us together in a positive, non confrontation way. Not children related- or anything about the home, but something that might bring back our spark and reminder of us as a couple. We work in the same field, met through work and always have great ideas-type conversations about work, so I sort of engineered that. Sounds odd, but I just wanted to see if what had brought us together in the first place was still there. So I raised the topic I'd planned and it was great - we did connect again. So then rather than get a DVD and takeaway, we went for dinner and had a good, fun, warm evening. Not as relaxed as we would have previously been, but definately better than silence or disagreement or the TV!

The rest of the weekend was up and down, but generally much closer. I know this is again me taking responsibility for 'sorting things' but I sort of care less about that right now, than I care about getting back on track. I think the wider picture will only change really slowly through counselling, whereas I need my best friend back sooner than that! I just miss him so much.

Happy birthday helicopter if it's this week. I really hope you can have a good day/evening whatever you do

Thanks for birthday wishes

Glad you had a successful weekend.

We did too - went away for 1 night all of us. This had been planned since before upheaval.

H definitely taken on board the need to take more responsibility, and he spontaneously did a bit of the sorting. Just little things like arranging a taxi, but showed he'd listened.

And I made a really big effort not to rescue it when the taxi didn't turn up!

Didn't talk about issues at all, just had a nice time with kids.

Small steps.

Seeing a new couples counselor too next week. Fingers crossed for more progress to come.

That's great helicopter, really glad you had a good weekend too.

I agree - small changes can mean a lot if you feel they show that the other person has been listening to your comments and trying to make a change.

I really hope your couples counsellor works for you both. I am looking forward to our next session as have my list of 'changes I'd like to see' stored up and developing nicely!