Communication in long term relationships

[0strich]

Been married for a very long time ...2 teenagers both with health/SEN issues ...the last few years have not been good for us with their problems. We get on fine, he is supportive in a practical way which I know is worth a lot, but we never talk about us, other than in a practical way. Am I expecting to much given how long we have been together. We will talk (a lot) about the DCs, the house, holidays, work etc but feelings are totally off the agenda. I must admit to finding discussing feelings quite difficult but he has absolutely no idea of what I feel. Sorry waffling here - what I would really like to know is should I be happy with this or should there be more and, if so, how do I achieve it?

I've also been married a long while and have a DD with ASD. Having a child/ren with SN has a big impact on a family and marriages, no doubt about that. I have found that my DH withdrew emotionally and isn't very supportive either so at least your DH is helpful in that regard. You do tend to give all your focus to the child, their day-to-day needs and the marital relationship definitely doesn't get the attention it needs.

Have you ever been a couple for talking much about feelings? Most blokes aren't that fond of it from what I can tell, and appear to go through their days being quite happy not knowing what we are feeling. As long as we're not weeping in the corner, they'll assume that things are pretty much OK.

If you are in your 40s (as we are), you are probably suffering from the "is this as good as it gets?" syndrome. Several of my friends are also in the same condition. Perhaps it's just part and parcel of getting older, and being in a marriage that is also getting older. My DH and I never talk about our feelings and I'm not happy about that because our relationship has other issues. The important thing is if you are happy with the status quo. I don't think there's a law written down anywhere that says "thou shalt discuss feelings or thou marriage shalt fail". But if the marriage is in trouble and this isn't discussed, then disaster looms IMO. Do you discuss things other than the day-to-day stuff? Or are you worried about becoming one of those couples you see sitting awkwardly in a restaurant who obviously have absolutely nothing to say to one another? I agree that there should be more to married life than just discussing when the car's MOT is due, and who's taking DD to the dentist. If you aren't really connecting outside of that, and don't seem able to chat about other things, or have any shared interests/hobbies, or have a laugh, then there may be a problem.

anyone?

sorry posted just as you responded!

Thank you FiaJ ..you have totally hit the nail on the head. Although the DCs are very time consuming as you say, the fact is if I look ahead to a time when they might not be so much so, that is what really, really scares me. I am not only worried that we might become one of those couples in restaurants who have nothing much to say to each other, I think we are already (if you rule out children, MOT etc etc. I am definitely suffering from "is this as good as it gets" syndrome (love that description btw).

This is an interesting topic - I hope more people come along later. Maybe the posters on here this morning are a bit younger than us .

I think this loss of connection happens to a lot of people at our stage and at 20+ years of being married. My boss is my age and recently told me that she wishes her DH would join the golf club again so that she could have the weekends to herself! In fact, I read recently that the divorce rate among 40-somethings has reached an all time high. I suppose women of our age, who are financially more independent than women of earlier generations, reach a point where the DC are getting ready to leave the nest and suddenly realise that they are facing 30 more years with the old fart that their DH has become, without the DC as a buffer zone. It can be quite a wake-up call and a good time to take stock of where you are, where you want to be and would it really be so terrible to be single again?

Oh dear, so you have already become the "restaurant couple"? In your OP you asked for suggestions on how to start communicating about non day-to-day stuff - I also battle with that so I don't have very much to offer. I find it does help if my DH and I get away on our own for a while, not necessarily to have a meal, because then it's the awkward sitting at the table thinking "oh shit what can I talk about??", but doing something together. We had a lovely afternoon out recently going to a National Trust place, walking around the gardens, having a nice tea. For the first time in ages we got on really well and had a great time together.

I have been married 14 years. I think there is an ebb and flow in most long term marriages. I can't begin to know the difficulties of bringing up children with SEN, but there have been a lot of pressures on our marriage.

Is it possible to find a shared hobby, or learn a new skill together? Or just do something fun together? That helps break the ice, as it were, and then you can communicate about your feelings without there being too much pressure.

No useful advice but I am in exactly the same situation - been married over 20 years, and we are that couple in the restaurant (which is why I probably dread going out for a meal with DH!) - I do get fed up with continually suggesting things to do - eg: we do both love walking .... however we tend to end up doing 'separate hobbies' most of the time. Whilst I don't want to be together 100% of the time a few shared interests would be nice.

I did have a huge hissy fit earlier this week about the lack of communication (esp. hard as my DH teaches communication skills - what a joke) but it didn't really get us anywhere.

I don't believe in "as good as it gets" , I only believe in "it's as good as you make it".

Perhaps I'm lucky having a husband happy to talk about "feelings", if he's had a shit day he'll tell me so I'm not left wondering if it's me he's unhappy with, and vice-versa.

It helps to have plans for the future and talk about what you are going to do, easy for us as we love travelling and seeing different places but we also talk about "nothing" quite a lot, like what we'd do if we won the lottery etc. Having shared interests definitely helps too, it's funny that someone mentioned National Trust places, we joined last year and try and get out at least a couple of times a month, just wandering aorund beautiful places holding hands, taking photos and enjoying each other's company makes a nice change from every day life and work.

Assuming the other person is happy because they aren't actually saying they are unhappy is a classic mistake in a long relationship, after 28 years together we tend to know if something is "up" even if the other is saying they are fine - that can lead to problems. Keeping things to yourself/bottled up isn't good within a couple, telling each other how you feel surely comes naturally after so many years?

Thank you all - some very interesting points raised here.
FIAJ - I really like your idea of National Trust place outings, think I will steal that one!
Malifence - Keeping things to yourself/bottled up isn't good within a couple, telling each other how you feel surely comes naturally after so many years - I am well aware that keeping things to yourself/bottling up isn't good within a couple but no telling each other how you feel, doesn't necessarily come naturally.
I really like the suggestions of hobbies together - I definitely don't want to spend all my free time with him but it would be nice to have some shared interests. We have managed to get away for an odd night without the DCs and tbh I just couldn't wait to get home again and have the comfortable old routine to hide behind

Malifence - you are obviously very fortunate in your marriage and I absolutely agree that it is one's own responsibility to make things 'good' but it is very hard to get someone to talk about feelings if they don't want to. My DH is going through a really rough patch at the moment (so much so that today I went to see if I could talk to his Doctor in confidence as I think he is seriously depressed) - but he just doesn't want to talk about things, in a meaningful way, to me.

Years ago we would literally spend hours (often on the phone as we lived far apart) talking about 'nothing' - nowadays its hard to get two sentances out of him. I'd love to know what part I can play in getting that 'magic' back.

Ragwort if your DH has severe depression, it is a whole different ball game. It is not to do with you and him, but he is ill. Perhaps he needs different medication or something ..but doesnt make it any easier for you though!