Bickering all the time - help

[Believeitornot]

Hi

I've namechanged so not a troll

this is going to end up being a bit of a rant so please bear with me.

DH and I have a beautiful baby DS. As expected, it's had an impact on our relationship - very little time for us, sleepless nights (still not slept through), rarely have sex etc etc. I'm on mat leave so doing most of the childcare.

Anyway, as we've got our evenings back and it's become a little easier, our relationship is still neglected (I think). We bicker all the time, usually relating to DS or something petty. We make plans to have sex (yes we must plan) but as soon as bedtime arrives we just want to sleep.

I'm not sure where to begin fixing things really. I feel like there's an underlying tension. DH comes from a family where there were almost no arguments - just sweep things under the carpet. This makes me especially as years ago DH admitted he'll do this sometimes to almost punish me. For example, ifsomething annoys him because of something I've done, I'll pick up on the fact that he's upset. He won't say and if I don't ask he'll never mention it. So I ended up nagging until I get an answer. The reason I nag is because he'll sulk - sometimes he'll sulk with DS and won't talk to him which is a bit mean, I think.

We also bicker about how we look after DS-I'm not very good at telling DH the best way to do things (eg getting DS to eat breakfast) as DH takes it as a criticism. So I say nothing but probably make it obvious that DH is "wrong" (yes, I know it's unfair). I'm not sure what to do really as generally I let DH get on with - I just get twitchy about certain things.

Another thing is I get the feeling that DH doesn't listen although he says he is. Classic example is when we're talking, DH will leave the room and claim he's still listening when I stop talking. I find this rude.

I also get wound up by our sex life. We both want to do it more but haven't found the right way to suggest it. For example DH will tell me he thinks I look hot etc etc but that's not what I need. I think he'd like it if I said more things like that to him - I try then I forget as I'm tired.
Basically I've not slept more than4 hours straight for 9 months and I don't feel like me anymore. It's having a massive impact on my relationship with DH and all I can see are flaws and I just nitpick. I have no time for sulking or second guessing - I just want a bit of straight talking and air clearing.

Anyway that's a rant and a half. I want to fix things with DH and stop bickering as it saps my energy. Where do I begin????

I know where you're coming from on this one - my DH and I are both not good at communicating. I'm guilt of doing the passive-aggressive thing and he just closes off. He won't ask what's wrong and I just get all cold and nasty, and so we can go on for day after happy day. On the odd occasion when I have tried to talk to him, it's turned into a row because he takes everything I say as a criticism.

I should think it's normal to have some difficult times with your first DC. I know I had a rough time the first year, and didn't want to have sex at all. So you're doing really well even wanting to do the deed. Don't stress too much about this - it will get better with time. Do you have access to family support or someone who could take the baby for an afternoon? You will both be tired in the evening, so how about making time for some afternoon delight?

The communication issues are more likely to cause ongoing problems in your sex-life than short-term sleep deprivation. I have been given advice by a therapist that it sometimes helps to write things down. But not as a long ranty list of where your DH is going wrong IYSWIM. Try to be objective, factual and not overly emotive. So don't write things like "you always.." or "you make me feel..". Rather say things like "I would like it.." and "it would be really helpful if you could..".

If you're doing most of the child-care and are currently a SAHM, you will possibly be feeling frustrated if you never get a break from the constant round of baby chores etc. Does your DH ever look after DS so that you can get a morning off?

Hi frog yes I'm worried about the lack of communcation. Before DS came along it was a lot easier to make sure we sat down and had a proper discussion about feelings etc. We both tried hard not be negative and place blame. Now we've not got so much time which means we have a quick bicker, sulk but never get to the bottom of things. And when we do have time, we're so desperate to switch off that we just end up watching tv/internet surfing etc.

DH does give me time off but I use it to do chores as difficult with DS who crawls about causing mayhem. He does tell me to take time off but I can't help it esp as I know DH doesn't like mess

yes only recently have I wanted to have sex but once I hit my pillow all randy thoughts dissipate. We've tried having a bit of fun in the early evenings which works much more so just need to make more of an effort.

You're lucky to have a DH who would voluntarily sit and talk about feelings I'd need a nail-gun and rope in order to achieve that with mine.

Some words of advice from someone who's been there - DON'T waste your precious time off doing the housework!! Let it slide - your house is never going to be as tidy/clean as it was before. Babies are messy and it gets messier when they become toddlers. At least wait until you are getting some proper sleep at night. You're probably getting into a catch-22 sort of thing now - you're tired and anxious/resentful about keeping things as they were, that manifests as snappiness and irritability, he reponds with sulking and the cold shoulder and so it goes around.

Your DH cannot reasonably expect there not to be mess for crying out loud. If he's concerned about the state of the house, then he should pitch and help you sort it out. A lot of men don't fully appreciate how much life changes when the DC come along. They think that there will be some upheaval and then it will all go back pretty much to the way it was before. Well, it doesn't. So the next time your DH is looking after baby and you find yourself with the hoover in your hand, take a deep breath, put it down and go for a nice walk instead!

I can relate to this as well. Before DS we had a very carefree life and the best relationship you could imagine. While the relationship is still fine, there has been a change - and we definitely resorted to bickering on occasion. I have to say I was surprised at the level of negative impact the baby could potentially have.

It's all perfectly normal and you have had good advice above. The only thing I would add is to try not to impose your way of doing things with the baby on your DH all the time. If you let him do things his way he will be more confident and enjoy looking after the baby more, rather than if he is told he is getting it wrong. You are criticising him. Who's to say he is doing things wrong anyway? Just because its not how you do it? It really doesn't matter if your DS has his nappy on back to front and his dinner in his hair. Don't get twitchy unless it is really necessary.

The more competent your DH feels with the baby the better it is for all of you.

ps I have had to work at this myself but it is worth it.

frog I'll put the hoover down then as for talking about feelings, I do need to drag it out of DH sometimes but when we talk properly it's easier to understand where he is coming from.

boogie I know I need to step back and let DH do things his way with DS. It's difficult when DH defers to me on most things relating to DS so I automatically step on when I probably don't need to.

Well we've been out for a walk and had a bit of a chat. It's nice when we get out as a family more as we enjoy being parents then!

Mostly we've managed to cure the bickering habit but we're going through a bickering phase atm. Not sleeping because of the heat and trying to move house so quite stressed is our excuse. Last night DS#1 told us off for arguing over nothing So we did.

lol at your DS Orm.

Tonight we are going to try and have a nice relaxing evening and chill. Although the heat does make me a bit short tempered!