do I stay or do I go?

[Lucyintheskywithdiamonds]

Name changing regular. Just want some reasonably objective views on this.
Iam a SAHM with a comfortable life. I have 2 dcs both under 10 and a husband who loves me and would do anything to keep the family together. So far, so good. BUT I dont love him and haven't for a long time. I have tried and tried for the children but everyso often I just think 'argh I cant do this anymore!' I told him a few months ago that I wanted to seperate. He was very upset and I agreed to stay for a while and see how things go. He is not nasty to me in anyway but he is a very selfish person. I married him because we had a child together. He has tried so hard the past couple of months which makes me feel awful because it is not making any difference to how I feel. (we have tried relate)
So what do I do? when i think about upsetting the children i just think that i can't do it to them but on the other hand we can't stay together for them.
so do i stick with a comfortable life, happy children and a husband who loves me. (i can make do but won't be truely happy) or do i split up a family just because of the way that i feel which seems extremely selfish.
any advice welcome. TIA

As a child of divorce, I would say that happiness in the home is really important for the children. They will understand if you leave (maybe later if not now) but you REALLY NEED to understand the impact on them.

Do it, but put them first every single time throughout the process. Divorce is not something children 'should grow up and get over' - most children are messed up for life about it. However, if they see you are happy and you give them a stable upbringing and can remain civil, friendly even with their father, and both are able to show how much you adore them, then please do.

I would put my children first, every time (thats why i am in this mess) but i dont trust my dh to do the same if we seperated as it is not something that he wants and he is quite immature.
thanks for the help. I really dont want to ruin my childrens lives but i feel that a seperation is inevitable at some point.

Exactly what hohumchops said word for word.

I would add this, it's not just the pain and confusion of your parents separating. It's what happens afterwards, for years. New partners, step parents, step siblings, new houses, new schools. I actually thought I wanted my parents to split as they fought like bastards and were very unhappy. But the step family scenario was much worse. It all felt so alien and unsafe.

BUT BUT BUT my db separated from his wife a couple of years ago. I was devastated for him and 3 dc, considering what we'd gone through as children. However, they have managed it so well, so amicably and responsibly that I don't think the impact on their dc will be the same.
They have properly put their dc first.

It's a really really hard situation. My heart goes out to you. Little by little you will move towards the right decision.

thank you. that is exactly what has been hitting me recently. it isnt just going to be a couple of months of confusion for them is it? they will be hurt when my dh gets a new girlfriend/gets married/has more kids etc.
it is all very well to wish we weren't together but when it actually somes down to it i just dont think that i can do it to the dc. every time i think about seperating i want to cry for them. when i think about us staying together i want to cry for me.

fwiw, I think you sound a wonderful woman, who will always take superb care of your DCs.

You've described your H as selfish and say you doubt whether he'd do the best for your children if you split. While I realise these factors don't make him a bad man, or a bad dad, I wonder whether his presence in your family really is such a positive overall influence. Coupled with your dull un-happiness, their experience of family life might actually be rather flat & grim. Again not an especially bad thing but, children being so responsive to their emotional environment, not the best one could hope for.

It's brave of you to acknowledge and face your issue. My own feeling (which has changed as I grew older & more experienced) is that your happiness, as the main child carer, has a tremendous impact on your children's wellbeing. This could read like a apology for 'disposable marriages' but, obviously, that's not your case. You've tried everything you're supposed to try.

The main reason behind "staying together for the children" is social conformity. When you think about it, though, the 'traditional' nuclear family is no longer the norm. Our society no longer requires (or even expects) it. What advantages, then, do you bestow on your DCs by staying together? You are probably better-off financially. You need to weigh that up. How much happiness and FUN does a skiing holiday, or a bigger trampoline, add up to?

I'm sorry this is a long reply! I thought maybe you'd want to chew your question over in a bit more depth ...?

Thank you Grace. All these things just keep goign round and round in my head. On the whole i think you are right just this voice inside me keeps saying 'you say you would do anything for your children but if you give up on your marriage you are doing the one thing that would hurt them the most' and I can't bear it. but you are right and i do know it. i just have to find the courage from somewhere....