Should I be more supportive??

[hoxtonbabe]

Hi,

My fiance starting working for a company a year ago that started on a contract after HE GOT HIMSELF SACKED from a previous job, 6 months into the job he was offered a permanant position which he took up, at the time it was mentioned that he would be required to travel at times but according to him/boss this would be something like once a year. When we first met 4 years ago his job was london based and never left the london office, when I became pregnant again he was London based, after I had DS although he was working for a different company and there was some travel involved in was in the UK, now this job he is in has now started to involve lots of travelling, the last time he was gone for 4 weeks, and he came back 3 weeks ago, now he is off again on Tuesday for 2 weeks. Our DS together is now 2 and when he was gone for 4 weeks he really missed him, I also went bonkers in the 4 weeks as it literally is just me and fiancee, all his family live abroad, my sisters have their own kids and live quite a distance and mum is too frail to watch a 2 year old, so I get no break. I have a son from a previous relationship whos father has played no part or had any contact with him and I vowed that when I have my next chid (i waited 10 years to find the right person!)that he would hopefully everything my eldest DS dad was not, now whilst my fiance has not abandoned me, I didnt sign up to being a stay at home mum with a partner who spends most of their time out of the country, i have been looking for part-time work, but with HIS job that is proving tricky as it will be between myself and him to get baby DS from nursery but if he is out of the UK every few weeks for weeks at a time then we have a problem, we worked out the cost to have someone private to collect DS from Nursery and considering what I would earn it would be no point whatsoever. I suppose what I am getting at is, had I met him and he had a job that took him away so often I would never have had a baby with him so why should I be cool with it now? I dont think it would have bothered me so much if DS was older as I could explain but hes only just stopped crying when Fiancee leaves to go jogging in the evening as he thinks he is going and not coming back, until he went for the 4 weeks this never happened, DS was also very clingy when fiance got back and again just now starting to settle and now I have to go through this all over again, whilst i want to support my partner at the same time I can feel myself resenting him, because not only do I have to plan my job search around his job, even if I got a job it would totally mess up the childcare arrangements when he gets sent off to wherever, I am also the one left to comfort my DS once he realise daddy has gone and quite frankly the whole thing of him going for weeks at a time is just not a good set up for me, never has been and never will.

I have been hinting at him to look for a job that involves less travel but he is more intrested in enhancing his career at the moment, im really not sure what to do, I want to be supportive but I am finding it really hard :-(

Sorry for long rant

Wish i could offer some constructive advice, but my DH is what you might call, very busy socialy, so he spends a lot of time out of the house. But with you its different because its work...so not really sure what to say to help.

But, there are lots of very sensible folk on here, so someone should be able to give you some sound advice...hope that helps.
You could try posting this in AIBU...usually gets the ball rolling!

Tell him that you are not happy and that is not what you expected when you had a child together. Tell him that if he cant find a new job for you he should do it for the sake of your child.

If that's how you feel you have to tell him cos eventually it will all blow over and that would be much worse...

He doesn't have to put your needs before his even if he should in these circumstances but he MUST put your childs needs before his.

My DH works really long hours and practically never sees our DD during the week and it's hard enough as it is I cant imagine him being gone for 4 weeks...

You need to talk to him otherwise you'll grow apart. He needs to understand how you feel and that if he won't spend more time at home your relationship might fail...

Exactly Mrsbubblebum, I not too fussed about myself, yes its annoying but I at least expect him to put his childs need first. Long hours I can deal with, he leaves the house at 7am and not back till around 7pm BUT we atleast have evenings and weekends together, this trip coming up means he will also miss my birthday which we had plans to celebrate so now all has to be shelved.

We had a heated discussion about it yesterday and I hope my points got through to him, he knows he needs to find a job with less travel and this one he is in now will only get worse, I know he really likes this job but I keep telling him is any job worth a screwed up relationship with your child and us breaking up???

i dunno - it depends on the job...how much money he getting...does he make contact, skype your ds while away?

your ds will pick up on your anxieties and frustrations.. ..i think you need to be more positive and upbeat, daddy gone now, look at calendar he will be back on this day, look at the map this is where daddy is, let's put a photo of daddy on the map, look on the internet google earth this is where daddy is we will see him soon....we can skype him every day...etcetc.

you dont have family but sounds like you need some local friends, do you use lcoal sure start centres etc? presume you go with ds to play groups etcetc?

if he is only one earning and his job requires travel well so be it - think eg armed forces etc...how do they cope?

" he really likes this job "and fi you make him leave it it will only breed more resentment on his part...

and he unlikely to be able to simply give it up and change, right? sit downa dn agree a time frame?

do you get nice holidays together when he back?

and what is his motivation, if you become so clingy and demanding? (not saying you are but maybe your H will start to feel that way... ) ...my exP worked long hours didnt come home til really alte i used to complain etc...in the end (he told me much later) he didnt want to come home because i would complain - it got in a bad circle --many other issues led to separation but i just trying to say that moaning/complaining putting everything from negative point of view wont help encourage your H to change jobs...

and i think the issues of your ds being clingy etc need to be addessed even without dad being around - people in armed forces etc must manage it somehow.

but you sound so down, no family around, so you need to build up friends? get invovled with sure start or his nursery ? other hobbies/volunteer work you can do while he in nursery? gym/jogging/yoga classes?

use visual schedules to show when dad is coming back. be positive...

ps if he presumably earning well then there is a poitn to you going out to work even if all YOUR net income goes on childcare as YOU will get a life for yourself .... and all incoe should be pooled to pay childcare...

and with time those childcare costs will decrease as he gets older -in the meantime you carving out a role other than SAHM ....

I think you should be more supportive, it's a partnership, it's not all about you and it's not all about your ds. Your dp has a job, in this climate that in itself is a big deal the fact that he has a job that he enjoys and has further opportunities is even better. Why should he give it up so you don't get hacked off being on your own with ds?

My dh travels a lot and I have three dc's. There are lots of things you can do to make the whole experience a lot easier on the child. Skype, phone calls, postcards etc. You also need to reassure your ds that Dad will be coming home, misses him and loves him. If you're fed up with your dp being away there's a good chance your ds will pick up on that.

Yes it is a partnership, but likewise he wants to further his career I too want to work and that was always the plan from the moment I found out I was pregnant, however I made it VERY clear when we got together about my views on raising kids and he totally agreed, having raised my first son alone (who has special needs) more or less from day one and him not ever really having a father figure until now, for him to now be in a job that takes him away for weeks on end at a time isn't for me nor what I want for my kids, even his parents can't quite get their head around it as its something they would not even consider doing, maybe they understand me more because they live in Italy and as he is their only child so they would like him to be close and still see him as their little boy, lol

I understand what you say about being in the armed forces, but one cant say "well becasue they get on with it then so should you", if partner was in armed foces when we met we would not be having this discussion as that kind of life isn't for me = no children

As for holidays when he gets back, pah! I should be so lucky, not sure what you guys thinks he earns, lol. While were not resorting to bread and cheese for dinner, his salary just gets us by. Last time I mentioned that we go to the coast for a few days, it turned into an argument about him just getting back and wanting to just stay home, so no, no holidays, although we do have our annual summer holiday in August (then he flies out for a few weeks to the middle east again)

Skype, he said it gave him a bug on his PC before, so wont install it, getting hold of him in the evening via phone is near on impossible (there is only a 2 hour time difference) which is another issue within itself, as it's nothing to do with bad lines or connections, he just doesnt feel the need to call or return any calls?!!?

Youngest DS isn't too bad once daddy is away, its when he comes back, it's like it clicks that dad was away for xxx time, then he gets clingy to daddy, DS isn't too fussed about me!