Talk to me about keeping spark vs becoming 'best friends'

[whatdoesntkillyou]

Does anyone else struggle with keeping the spark (I mean the bedroom type of spark) alive when you start getting 'close' to DP/DH?

I guess I am not explaining myself very well- in some ways our sex life has improved as we have got to know each other better (6 years, DS 3 years old). I realise that as time goes on that initial lustful stage waines.

However, I find that the more we become 'friends' the less I think of us as a sexual couple. Still struggling to explain!!

An example would be- we eat tea together, chat about DS or how our days have been. We clear up together etc etc- then I just don't feel sexual towards DP. I kinda just see him more and more as someone I want to cuddle- rather than ravish!!

Its a shame as when we do have sex it is good and I do find him attractive. I guess as I get embroilled into motherhood etc I feel the 'naughty' side of me slipping away and I want it back!!

Can anyone else relate to this ir give any advice?

completely relate.

not sure how well I can advise you as I'm on same position. it doesn't help that we are both v tired a lot of the time so "cuddling" is often the more attractive option as it requires less energy!

however... I think this is what "date night" is for. (doesn't have to mean going out, can mean candles and a glass of wine at home). a bit of flirting. kisses on the neck. the oddd suggestive comment. that kind of thing.

basically, I think it's about making the initial effort to create a "sexy" context rather than a "comfy" context IYSWIM.

will be interested to see others thoughts though.

Have you tried making time for yourself and regaining the independence you had before you met dh and had children?

We've got two young children and until recently I really felt as though I'd been 'mummified' and life was getting too cosy. I began to question the person I had become and craved a bit of 'me' time. I started exercising a bit (more of something to do on my own than for fitness), and making an effort to see friends, particularly old friends that were there before dh and children.

In the last few months the spark has certainly returned to the bedroom I started to take more interest in myself, bought some new underwear and clothes that suit my motherly curves. We've also started experimenting a bit more (courtesy of various mumsnet threads ) and remembering to have fun again.

If it makes any sense, I feel as though I have regained my self confidence despite not realising it had gone. Dh also feels like he has back the woman he fell in love with

Minipie and 2tontess- glad I'm not the only one feeling this way. I find it hard to exlain so am really pleased you 'get it'.

Your ideas are all good- creating the right context (need to switch off from mummy mode somehow), date night and making time for myself.

The last point is the one I struggle with as its hard to make time for me with small DS, PT work and a DP that during the summer months works long and hard. However, theres always scope to try to squeeze some 'me stuff' in and to be honest I think we would all benefit if I moved this up my list of priorities!!

sorry sp - explain!!

It is hard but if you can talk to your dh, let him know how you feel and what you'd like to do; it will all help.

I'm a sahm and dh works 12 hour days and is away A LOT. He didn't realise how I felt until I started getting quite down about it all. Since then he makes an effort to come home half hour early when he can so that I can go for a walk (he gets to put the kids to bed ).

Is your Ds in nursery? There are usually classes of some sort during nursery hours, it's a good way of meeting new people away from the children too.

It is only now that I realise it is me that has changed (focusing on being a mum first) and that dh is the same person he always has been. To get back what we had I had to dig out the 'old me', hope that makes sense!

We've not had much success out of 'date nights' - we prefer spontaneity. This requires more effort on my part, perhaps putting on some nice underwear, bit of make up etc Sometimes I'll send dh a text full of filth to let him know how much I love him. Try doing it on a week day if sex has become a weekend thing.

Thanks very much for responding.

DS is in playgroup but I get only one morning a week to myself as I also work PT. I really love that morning!! I could probably make better use of it- I tend to catch up on chores etc. but maybe I should do something more interesting.

I am loathed to send DS to playgroup / nursery more because due to working 3 days a week I feel I need to spend as much of my spare time as possible with him. It doesn't help that DP works weekends at the moment too.

DS will be at school next Sept , so I guess that will mean I get myself back a bit more. Until then I think I will have to juggle the mummy, employee, sexy partner etc bits of me.

Think I might try the dirty text thing- am Ok with talking dirty once we 'get going' but feels a bit strange to send one while I eat my lunch. Sure I could get used to it though and think DP would appreciate it!!

Hi, i've been through this but slightly different and more serious circumstances(different story!) love and feelings and all that change over time and as your life changes. maybe it's time to do something a bit wild? if he won't take the initiative then you could, he's maybe forgotten how to be a bit exciting. try a time and a place that he would expect in a million years!

My husband is my best friend and we do loads of stuff together and this is the reason I want sex with him so much. I work 25 hours in a nursery with my child with me all the time and do about 70% of childcare/household stuff but if I do some fun sex stuff it puts me in the mood.

I like keeping it exciting and buy stuff from ann summers/love honey that I think will be exciting or fun to use. I just bought some stuff and it came yesterday from the ann summers sale. I have a sexy chemise cami suspender outfit thing, an ice vibrator, tingly spank and soothe creams and a rabbit bullet. It only came to £26 but will keep us amused for a while.

I like stuff like that just to get you in the mood we have silly things like an erotic version of connect four called foreplay connect. The winner who gets the 4 in a row gets to have those things that are written on the four discs in the row done to them. We also have these scratchcard things and you scratch them off and have to do whats underneath it or ask a question to your partner. Its just silly stuff but I think it gets you in the sex mood when you have kids.

Also I read literotica.com for stories before I see my husband so I have sexy stories in my head