I don?t really know where to start. DH and I have had our difficulties over the years (together 9), much intensified by birth of DC1 but, if I?m honest, evident before that. We probably both have considerable psychological issues ? he would certainly claim that mine are at least as responsible as his, though from an admittedly equally subjective viewpoint, I would beg to differ. Do I love him? I don?t know. He?s a wonderful father, and absolutely dotes on his children, who worship him. He is a slave to his ego, to the point that even his brilliant parenting has to be demonstrated to me all the time ? he has to be the best at everything, he has to show me how to do things, he is usually unwilling or unable to take my advice or listen to my perspective. To me, it appears he finds it very difficult to defer and has practically no humility. He has historically had difficulty with work relationships and his mother claims he?s never been able to take criticism. He responds extremely defensively and aggressively to my suggestions, certainly. The thing is, I think I understand it, and I feel sorry for him. He has so little self-worth that he has to shout it, he has to assert himself. His insecurity is probably partly my responsibility, in a passive way ? I am cleverer than he is, I make friends more easily, and I had a much better paying job than he did, so we?re living off savings I earned (which doesn?t matter to me at all, but he grew up in a very traditional Dad-at-work-Mum-at-home family). When I imagine us not being together, after concern for the kids and the practicalities, my primary response is relief. Why would I be relieved? Because I could do things on my own terms, without feeling like I was being observed, marked and judged on everything. To confuse things, he makes exactly the same complaints about me, and I can see his point of view (I do like things to be done a certain way, but this way is usually driven more, I think, by considered research, deferral to people whose opinions I consider better informed etc. than his is). Our circumstances are quite unique so I can?t really post too much detail in the OP for fear of identifying myself IRL. Neither of us has been working for a year (I know, lucky us), and we?ve been living in challenging circumstances, so I should take into consideration the mitigations ? we spend a lot of time together, we are effectively sharing the role of primary carer, which is perhaps a difficult thing to do for anyone, but I can?t shake my suspicion that other people would manage to do this with more compromise, fewer arguments, less pain. I also worry that we?re not only transferring (or projecting, or whatever you call it), but that we are absorbing each others personality traits in self-defence. I find myself boxed in in most of our arguments, primarily because there is zero possibility of triangulation. I am willing to hear his point of view, but I think it?s wrong ? he is determined it?s right, but to him that?s not stalemate, that?s triumph. A lot of his arguments I find strange, and his logic backwards ? things have to be this way, because of the implications of them not being. I just find myself exhausted all the time, I have so little energy to get into discussions with him, which I usually concede through fatigue. I find myself fantasising about life on my own, living with the kids (two, aged 2 and 4). I?m probably crazy, though ? I think I?d find it really hard, he?s probably more of a natural parent than I am (or he certainly seems to think he is, from the advice he constantly lays on me).
OK, so what of this is one-sided. He?s not here to represent himself, so what would he say? He?d say that I?m too driven by rationality, that I impose my views unflinchingly and won?t compromise (to which I would respond that I compromise all the time, he simply rebases his expectations so he?s unable to see my compromises) ? could give concrete examples. I find I am often doing things I?m uncomfortable with ? I think he?s a bully and have told him so. He says I?m too sensitive. I find his common rhetorical tools like ?don?t get upset?, ?don?t be angry?, ?let it go? to be essentially bullying ? that?s just telling someone what to do, right? The thing is, he?s NOT a total arsehole. In many respects, he?s a wonderful man. He does put me down quite a lot, and appear to relish my failures (e.g. if I lose something, cock something up ? if he does the same I just don?t need or want to make him feel shit about it, whereas he will be all huff huff it?s the end of the world, look what a disaster you?ve made), but I don?t doubt (which may sound strange) that he loves me in his way. At least when he?s nice I know he?s being honest. It bugs me that upsetting me is not a reason not to do something for him. Maybe that?s wrong, though. Maybe I just don?t doubt that he would be at a total loss without me. And I guess, if I?m honest, the only thing stopping me leaving him is worrying about what he would do, how it would work with the kids, how distraught he would be and how I would cope with having done that to someone (I?m kind of prone to guilt and anxiety, always have been). I?m not THAT unhappy. I?m pretty happy about half the time, though I do find I am less and less able to access what I actually want. This is partly in relation to our strange circumstances, of which more anon.
To add into the mix, I have incredibly strong feelings for someone else. This is probably the fourth person with whom I?ve (theoretically) considered cheating, dating back nearly six years (when DH and I about to move in together). Crushes have increased in intensity and longevity, to the point where I?ve been struggling with this one for at least two years. Nothing at all improper has ever happened, but I?m bothered by the extent of my theoretical infidelity. How can I expect him to treat me properly when in my head I?m sleeping with other people? Particularly in this case, the person in question is a mutual friend, and I often feel when we?re together that my desire is painfully obvious. I would not for a second consider leaving DH for this person ? I have no reason to believe my feelings are in the least bit reciprocated, and anyway there are other obstacles to our being together, and anyway I?m alert to the possibility that my obsession is a fabrication, a manifestation of what I?m missing and a projection onto this person of the things I think I?m not getting from DH (whatever they are). I feel like maybe I?m picking fights, searching for difficulties, being excessively negative (he always tells me I?m too negative) about our relationship in an attempt to justify my emotional straying.
I?m at the stage where I don?t actually know how I?m functioning because there?s such a maelstrom in my head. I have no idea what to do, so I just keep on keeping on, making plans, pretending everything?s fine, then bursting into tears when I?m driving on my own. But I must stress, I don?t feel that unhappy all the time. Compared to some or maybe even most people?s lives, mine is a picnic. I have healthy children, we have enough money, we live in an extraordinary place. When I think about being with him forever, though, it feels intensely constraining. When I go to a wedding, I think ?I never felt like that about him?. I can never regret anything that?s happened because I have my two extraordinary children, but I do feel guilty for having gone ahead and had them when I already had some reservations.
Am I in danger of leaving paradise in search of utopia? Do I suffer from nothing but ridiculously high expectations? What am I comparing this to? In my head, I escape to a plain flat, a simple place where the kids and I can live on my own terms. The other person isn?t in it ? I don?t visualise a family life with a neat transplant. At sane times, I can see that my feelings for him have at the very least to be assessed in a more balanced framework.
Have I even asked any questions? I don?t know. Fuck. Well, I guess it?s helped writing it down. I?m worried I?ve been too negative, though, that I haven?t been representative, that I?m being morose and misrepresentative because? why? I don?t know. I?m a glutton for punishment. I don?t think I deserve to be happy so I?m making up reasons to torpedo a perfectly functional relationship. From the outside, I think everyone thinks we?re great, although I am probably too open with other people when we?re having problems, I?ve always shared like that. My friends mean the world to me, and I do tell them most things, which has always been a problem for DH, as has how much I involve myself in their lives, care for them when they have problems etc. Likewise family ? I am much closer to my siblings and parents than he is, and he gets annoyed with me, e.g. will criticise something I?m saying on the phone to my sister (our lifestyle doesn?t afford us much privacy).
I am frustrating myself by just slagging him off ? I?m sure there must be more positive things I can say. We have sex a lot, which I enjoy, though wouldn?t ever initiate if it weren?t to please him (that I have initiated) ? I feel like I have very little sex drive (although was a walking hormone recently when spending innocent time with OM, prob hornier than I?ve been for about eight years!). He is actually looking really good. I guess my question is ? I feel like if this even is a shit situation, I?ve got myself into it, and it?s my responsibility. It?s not so shit that I have a responsibility to myself and my kids to get out of it. I find myself wishing sometimes (god, this is going to sound fucked up) that he would cheat, or move over to physical violence, because that would end the doubt, draw a line, give me the excuse I need.
Help, MN! What do I do? I think I want responses like ?stop being an overanalytical precious twat, thank heaven for what you have, and grow up and stop getting teenage crushes?, so don?t hold back.