work/life balance - some perspective please

[scrappydappydoo]

DH and I got into a argument discussion last night and I could do with some perspective in how other people deal with this. Not putting it in AIBU cos I'm too scared!(sorry this will probably be long)
Background - I'm a sahm to a 4yr old and 2yr old. DH works long hours, is on call every 2 weeks and works away from home about once a fortnight. We've just moved house as dh has moved offices so he doesn't have such a long commute. DH has a classic car and he belongs to a car club that does runs and also meets socially about once a month and that takes up a whole sunday. He also volunteers to steward at festivals over the summer (maybe one saturday a fortnight over the summer).
So to the 'discussion' - I was having a little whinge saying that the girls were being quite challenging at the moment mostly because of the disruption to routine and life that the move had caused and that I felt I hadn't had a break between packing up old house, unpacking new house and dealing with dds etc. I was thinking that maybe I could take myself off for the day and do something (anything!) and he could look after dds. Well you'd have thought I had was asking for the moon. No he's too busy going here there and everywhere doing all his stuff (which btw the way is all voluntary and not compulsory and he isn't 'committed' to anything he just turns up). Basically it degenerated into a 'I work harder than you' kind of argument which wasn't productive.

So it led me to the question - how do I build some 'me space' into my life? I feel restricted by dh and his life and I don't want to resent him for it and to have many more arguments like the one above. I can't commit to anything regular because of dh working away or on call. I can't find a job that financially works with childcare (e.g paying more for childcare than I earn) and also the whole working around dh thing. I just feel I have no outlet and no space. How do other people do it??

Sorry - that was MUCH longer than I intended it well done if you made it through!

The current arrangement doesn't sound fair at all. He gets time off (car club, and stewarding) and you don't.

The fact is, I bet both of your work hard. It's not a competition. But he gets time off, and you ... don't. Not fair at all.

Can you afford childcare to get you a day off a week, during the week?

Being a SAHM is a job just as much as working outside the home, and you deserve a break as much as your DH does.

Given that a marriage is a partnership why don't you suggest that you get as much time off at weekends as he does - so if he is taking 2 Saturdays a month to steward and one for his car thing, he also looks after the DC for 3 weekend days a month so you can see your friends / hit the spa / sit in the park with a book or whatever you want? Its important that either he takes the DC out (which might make it easier for him to keep them entertained anyway) or you leave the house though - otherwise you will end up caring for the DCs just because they are there. If you make it a regular thing you can organise things so he is free to do his stuff while still giving you a break.

I'm sure you both work hard. But you need the same amount of free time, too.

Next time his social car thing comes up on Sunday, tell him that you'll be out all day on Saturday, and if you can't do it Saturday, you'll have to do it on Sunday.

We have no family support to help out, so I have a babysitter come in a couple of times a month. I use an agency, so I know that the sitters have all been CRB checked.
Also, some gyms have a babysitting facility so that might be worth looking into.

It's important that parents look after thier own children though-and that means him.

Sounds like you both have your hands full. I think plan A is that you have another go at getting him to see that it would actually be quite nice for him to have some daddy time with your dcs & you have a day off, but if he puts his foot down, say fine, I'm putting them into childcare (easier said than done for an odd day, of course) and you're paying for it buddy.

Thanks for your replies - I think I alot of the problem is I don't have a 'purpose' for going out. We're new to the area so I don't have friends yet and don't have hobbies (like he does). I wonder if thats more the problem - a lack of purpose and direction? or actually reading that back jealousy? He's normally just so nice about it that it passes me by e.g he won't demand that he goes out he'll just 'I'm doing this - is that ok' and I say yes and then it all gets on top of me iyswim

I also feel guilty that I should be doing something with him - in that its a waste of a babysitter if I'm going out on my own. There isn't a gym nearby that has a creche. DD1 is due to start school in September so things will get a bit easier.
I sometimes secretly wonder of he doesn't value my 'work' as much as his because he gets paid but I doubt he'd be brave enough to say that!
sorry starting to waffle a bit!

I have the same issue with my dh - and we have discussed this many times. He takes for granted that any free time he has is "his" time and it never crosses his mind to think that I might like to have some (any!) free-time. Whereas any free time I have, I automatically think of something for the home or dd or him. When I talk to him about this, he gets very defensive because I am challenging the status quo - he's comfortable with it & gets to do what he wants so why should I change it. I'm trying to make him see that he is actually being quite selfish and its better for both of us if I have some time to do what I want as then I come back refreshed and happy etc rather than resentful and unhappy. He is getting this point slowly.

What I have started to do (with some success) is to arrange something for myself to do but without asking him if its ok. This doesn't come naturally to me - I much prefer to ask him if he can look after our dd first but I found every time there was a reason why he couldn't. And these weren't really good reasons - it was just he didn't feel like it. Or he'd say maybe and then leave me hanging & hoping that I'd be able to do it.

So now I arrange something, tell him in advance when I'll be out - calmly no pleading very matter-of-factly and no asking him if that's OK, and write in several places on calendars etc so that he can't claim he has forgotten. Of course I have already checked that the time/date is OK for me to go - its not about causing conflict or having an argument - its about 2 adults both having time for their own interests.

Then I make it easy for him - suggest places that he can take our dd so that he has has a good time too and being generally helpful in organising what he needs. Then I make I sure enjoy my time and importantly I ignore any resultant sulks etc when I get back.

As time goes on he is getting much more used to this & maybe now even welcomes me going off & him spending time alone with dd doing "their" things.

Sometimes I don't think talking helps, it will make him more entrenched in his position. Just remember your needs are equal to his - just start thinking about what you like to do & planning it & he will adapt eventually (and maybe start liking it too).

Sorry, but I think he is demanding.

'I'm doing this', then, as an afterthought almost, 'is that ok?'

Moving to a new area is never easy and it takes some time to get established with new friends.

But with your DD starting school in sept and a younger one at home, you will make friends really quickly through the school. There will be other women leaving a child in reception with smaller ones to entertain, and lots of soft play/park/coffee opportunities. I was never busier socially than at that stage!

But you also need to think of anything that can give you some space in the meantime - it's a long summer without little pockets of you time. I would state practically to your H, that in order to be energetic enough and relaxed enough to parent your DDs in the way you both want them parented, you need your own time off and that should be a regular weekly thing. Even if you don't have a hobby - would you enjoy 2 hours to read a book in starbucks? or swim in the local pool? I would state that it is a need and then you need to address together, how that need is met - either through him having dad/daughter time or finding a local person to babysit in the day. Try and not being emotion into it, or blame, just see it as a problem you both have to solve in the same way you both have to solve other issues to do with the running of the home.

Thanks all! Lots to think about. I think we're all finding the move and after effects a little unsettling and stressful so I think that has a lot to do with things. Great ideas particularly loves2walk - never thought it from that point of view.

sorry, haven't read all the replies but the thing is, you wouldn't be paying more than yuo earn in childcare would you? I assume that you would both contribute to the cost of said childcare and that you would therefore have some money left over from your salary?

and as for being a SAHM that doesn't absolve him from any childcare/household responsbilities - that is totally outrageous. You should have a free day in equal proportion to his free days.

You are a blimmin' mug if you accept anything less.

No - its not that serious really.. just some issues we need to sort out that I needed an outside perspective on.

I worked up until dd2 was born and dd1 was with a childminder once a week. It was a part time vocation type job so both our salaries covered stuff but mostly was down to dhs. If I had had to put dd2 in with childminder it really wasn't worth me working as in together we would have been left with maybe £5 a month. We BOTH took the decision for me to give up work (simple maths dh earned way more than me) and it was what was best for the girls. We've had to tighten our belts a little but it has worked.
He doesn't absolve himself of childcare and household stuff - he does his fair share - cooks dinner a few times a week, does lots of jobs round house and shares equally morning and bedtime routine.
The issue is about bigger 'me space' like a day off - its like because he 'works' all week and he has something to do, people to meet - he has the priority. Which is why I liked love2walks post - it hit the problem spot on and I found it very helpful.

The way I do it is every so often i meet friends who have moved away in the nearest big city and go for a girly lunch - as you have moved area could you arrange to meet old friends for a treat day out every so often?We have to travel but i go on train - make that part of the time out from normal life etc..Also if you like reading or say plants could you go to local garden centre with cafe and read and enjoy the plants...anything that brings you pleaure nad head space - you dont have to justify doing nothing much as its so good for you xxx good luckxxxxxxxxx

Glad to have helped scrappy! I have also fairly recently moved areas and it took me a while to find friends and something that was a switch off from home life. Without friends nearby, you can easily get swallowed up in domestic chores and feel there is nothing to your life other than mother/cook/cleaner/wife.

I run now and love it - I have also found a running buddy and our perfect time to run is 6-7pm - kids bathtime! That twice a week is keeping me sane