How will we ever move forward? Please come and talk to me

[tizzywotnot]

My life feels like one huge horrible mess right now

Without regaling the whole story I have a question. Is not loving someone reason enough to leave a marriage (with dc?). The relationship was on a downward spiral. Anger issues on his side. We were both miserable.

I instigated the split. I don't feel any feelings of love, attraction. Nothing. I have felt like this for a long time now.

To be perfectly honest (and I have told him this) our relationship began under strain and we grew together as a couple when for me it was definitely not about lust etc.

We have a lot going for us on paper, we really do. Just no romantic feelings at all. I think trying again would just be like trying to build something on dodgy foundations and it would all come crashing down again and harder.

Family have been making me feel even worse, asking me how I can give up so easily and quickly when all has seemed okay to them.

I am selfish according to everyone really. Dh keeps telling me all of the rational reasons that we need to try again. But how do I rationalise my feelings?

I/we have tried to sort out the best possible plans for the dc (hence earlier thread) and I really thought he was starting to accept this. Is it wrong to want to change our lives like this? I'm so lost right now.

Has anyone left a marriage like this?

Yes! I have. Just a few weeks ago. And as I posted on my other thread, I just had a sudden realisation one day that this, the situation I was in? That was it, for the rest of my days. No love, ever again. No sex, ever again (or crap sex). No connection. No fitting together like people who belong together. No freedom. No space in my head to feel happy, which leads on to creativity and energy and fun and adventures.

Fuck, I thought. That sounds like a half-life. Is that what I'm going to settle for?

So I got my boy and I got out. And not regretted it for a moment. And funnily enough, family (who are uptight) have been amazing (for the most part), friends have surpassed themselves with kindness, and my relationship with my exH has even improved now we're not forced to be unhappy together. I think the real clincher is thinking about the sort of upbringing our son would have had. That's got to be the cruellest thing to force onto someone, hasn't it - life in a loveless home.

Thank you snowy

H is genuinely wanting to try everything possible to save it and I just feel this empty pit in my heart at the thought of it (despite all of the rational positives!).

Sod the rational positives. That's why I married exH in the first place - he looked great on the spreadsheet (and yes I think I did actually have a spreadsheet. Christ).

Next time, I'm doing what my heart tells me to do, not a list of pros and cons.

Hi tizzy,

I haven't got any person experience, but I just wondered if you had thought about looking at this form another point of view ie what can you see 15/20 years from now?

I'm not sure that practical reasons are the best to stay for. Although no one can predict the future, if you think you can see yourself with him in the future, then it might be worth staying. However, if you cannot picture your future life with him, or the thought of feeling like this in this relationship forever kills you, then it might help you to reach the answers you seek.

I'm all for the middle ground, and trying to work
things out but it is not worth losing yourself for. Is there a way you can suggest a trial seperation - you might both be surprised by how you feel after a time apart?

As for those hat think you should stay at all costs, well, it may be hard for them or you, but if you decide to go then hey either will or won't support you, and there is very little you can do about that. Good luck.

Of course not loving someone is enough to leave a marriage, especially if it wasn't really there to start with. From what you say, you won't get that spark that is so necessary, because it was never there in the first place.

Bringing children up in a loveless marriage that has no intimacy does cause damage to DCs too. My H was brought up in just such an environment and he and his siblings have all had problems in their relationships.

So it's not good for you, it's not good for DCs and actually, it's not good for your H either. Both of you deserve to be with people that you desire and love and who feel the same about you in return.

Thanks for replies.

H simply cannot comprehend why I would feel so sure, so resolute that our love can't be restored by doing all of the things such as counselling, time together etc. I have no answer for him. I just know that the thought of staying together forever makes my heart sink and that I am dreaming of a life without him as my partner .

We get on very well (well ordinarily before all of his moods/anger and the relationship broke down), we share two dc, we have some things in common. No desire to be physically with him though.

I feel the same way. I think we could be good friends, and co-parent well, but there is no romantic feeling there, and I know there never will be again. I am holding on for now though, as there is a complicated schools situation with the children that needs to be resolved, and I think one big life changing event at a time is enough for them to deal with. To be honest, a few more months, or another year, I can cope with, as I've been feeling like this for about the last three years, so a bit longer is do-able.

H knows how I feel, and knows I want to seperate, but is burying his head in the sand and refusing to talk about it.

Thanks for posting Celery

So you think that you will eventually separate? Does your H understand why?

I know we will eventually seperate. Hopefully next year. H knows that I don't fancy him anymore ( we haven't had sex since last September ) and he knows that we never spend any time together. The only thing we talk about is the children and running the house. If I go out, I go out on my own, and vice versa. It's okay, but long-term I want more out of life, the chance of something else.

He knows, but I think he's hoping it might change, whilst at the same time not doing anything to change it, and not talking about it. DS has Aspergers, and I'm fairly certain H has too. I think a few relate sessions would help. Not to try to fix the marriage ( on my part ) but to open up communication between us.

Oh I see. Sorry you are going through this, iy must be tough. The thing with us is that communication is really not a problem at all. We are both very aware of what the problems were in our relationship; the only difference being that he wants to fix them and I don't.

Hi tizzy,

sorry to hear you're going through this i know exactly what it's like i've been there myself. Sounds like similar circumstances too and it worked out for me in the end but we needed help to get there.

You're right you do need love or it won't work. sounds like you've got pretty much everything else tho which is big plus, and you say he wants to fix things aswell. Is he addressing his anger? my Dh had an anger problem (a bad one) and anger management worked well once he accepted the problem existed. Have you tried relationship counselling? you say you are aware of the problems which is positive but counselling could dig up more. That was the first step we took and altho a bit weird at first it helped us loads. I really recommend giving it a go but beware waiting lists can be long!

I would lie in bed and feel repulsed by Dh lying next to me, felt anger towards him for ignoring me and storming round the house barking at us all and hated the thought of the rest of my life being like that. No sex for nearly a year but even before that it started to feel wrong and neither of us enjoyed it. eventually i plucked up the courage and i left him and took dc's. i took him back but only because he had nowhere to go and i still wanted him out. But i agreed to seeing a counseller as i was just so confused and torn between feelings, and after a few sessions i felt the pressure ease and things improved over the next few months. Didn't happen overnight but we got there.

Having sex again was nerve jangling and awkward at first but we've connected on another level now and 3 yrs on sex is great, we've become way more adventurous than we ever were before and we're closer than ever. So it can work out!! can't promise it will for you but if i was in your shoes i'd give it a go and see if you can turn it around. If it doesn't work out then the counselling should put your Dh in a better place to move on. Good luck