I want to send this to my dh. Advice pls.

[proudnsad]

*I posted on AIBU about marriage seeming like an ongoing uneasy truce. We had a huge shouty horrible row on Sunday night and are not speaking. You'd think we were teenagers, not reasonable 40-ish professional people! I'm afraid he will just see this as 'another rant'. He really is a good guy, he is great dad, does lionshare of housework and childcare most weeks without any digs or complaint. But he will NEVER see my point of view and frequently demands apologies after disagreements, which I think is childish. Surely it's discussing and resolving not apololgising agains't one's will that will help? Anywa...

Dear DH

The row on Sunday wasn't about you coming home so late from the pub, not for me anyway.

It was about you stating arrogantly that you are a bloke at the pub and no you will not answer my calls or text me to let me know. It's a compromise and a decent thing to do so why not?

It's in keeping with other behaviours lately that are upsetting and frustrating me so much. Like telling me it was an 'ill conceived idea' to invite my mum round on a Sunday morning so you had to wake up to her. It was 10am, you were still asleep, I thought a) it would be a good idea to invite her while you were asleep and we'd been away for a week and b) that it was my house too!

I am still seething about your behaviour during the England match where you demanded complete silence from the kids. I was so on edge and when I got angry with you all you cared about was getting an apology. Well you got one, though I don't know why. I just wanted to keep the peace but it was you behaving unreasonably, not me.

And the mornings are only peaceful now because for some reason you have been calm and pleasant for the past few weeks. Yes I know this is a positive, but it's down to you making an effort NOT the kids being good, as you seem to think.

Your moods control the mood of the house, there are four of us not just one (you) to consider.

I love you, you're an amazing dh and df, but I can't bear this deluded 'I'm the man of the house, I'll do what I want and what I say goes' attitude.

Your draft sounds like an attack or a telling off and like you want to knock him down/punish him and have him grovel at your feet for forgiveness. Your post doesn't make you sound like that sort of person though!

I get that you're angry, but if you write a letter in anger then you aren't being realistic if you don't expect the response to be in anger also. You don't have to appear weak to put forward your case in a calm, positive manner. I would definitely have the opening sentence as a positive one. You can still say that the row wasn't about him coming home late from the pub, but make it clear that whilst it's about more than that, they're all issues you think can be resolved and that you want to resolve them. If I got that letter I wouldn't read past the first sentence as I'd assume it was going to be an all-out attack/character assassination.

It sounds to me as though you're both being incredibly defensive with each other and spend most of your time talking at crossed purposes... you're having one argument with him and he's having another one back with you. I would just leave the note saying that "we both know the row on Sunday wasn't just about you coming back from the pub late. There's been a few things lately that you've done that have really got to me, and I'm sure that you feel the same about me. I think we need to sit down and have a good honest talk and put our defenses aside and just listen to each other without interrupting, but let's take some time to decide what we want to say or even write it down and exchange papers, because I think one thing we would both agree on is that we need to do something to lift the atmosphere in this house."

Another thing to think of to take the concept of blame out of the situation. It's you and him against the problem not each other. It's irrelevant who's fault it is or was or who's doing what to who - that's just pride talking and we all know what pride comes before. There's a problem and you need to solve it, it doesn't matter who started it... finish it. Together.

Good luck x

Hi all, thanks SO MUCH for your messages, nearly all of which said my draft was way too accusatory and would not achieve what I wanted ie genunine resolution for BOTH of us, not just me. It really helped...

I came home from work yesterday with a heavy heart and a churning stomach and he met me with a hug and a kiss and said 'Let's stop this silliness, we were both angry, let's let it go'. Was so relieved. I said yes I agreed but perhaps we should just have a nice relaxed chat and get out any frustrations etc we have with each other.

He looked a bit alarmed in that male 'Oh shit now we have Have A Talk' sort of a way. Then I explained why I'd exploded. Because of your posts, I started off with 'I understand why you were angry that I had a go at you, I can totally see your point of view' and for once I really did because posts here had made me think. So anyway we agreed a couple of compromises, but kept the chat very simple and didn't broaden it too much. Then we shared a few glasses of vino and didn't stop talking about nothing very much for the rest of the evening.

I hate to sound trite but reading many of the threads on here, I realise my problems and frustations pale into insignficance and I need to remember that.

emails are good. Dp and argue much better via email. There is not emotional ranting going on, no outbursts you cannot delete. A much better way of doing things IMO.

Ah, happy ending

so glad you're feeling better about it all proudnsad

Hurrah!

Thanks me lovelies!

well done proud glad it seems to have worked out