What The Hell Do I Do?

[MarriedToAnArse]

My married has turned to shit. I don't think any amount of mediation or counselling will repair the relationship.

The situation is this:

We have 3 children (8, 6 and 3), the youngest starts nursery this September (5 x 3 hour sessions) and school fulltime next September 11. Given my earning potential (was a £16K secretary before children), I have not been in paid employment since our first child was boren. This was a decision we made based on the fact we were having more children, the cost of childcare for 2+ children and more recently the cost of fulltime care for the younger one and wraparound care for the eldest two.

Obviously we have afforded this option however it has not been easy as DH set up his own business when our eldest child was 6 months old so has been a struggle at times with cash flow issues etc.

Anyway, DH has announced he wants us to seperate and I agree it will be for the best emotionally. The problem is the finances. How do we afford to do this now when I am not in paid employment (and given any salary I earn will be offset by childcare costs in this next year).

I have already had advice from the CAB and Housing offices and a solicitor. The solicitor said I can't trade my company shares for the house as a) I will be relinquishing assets and b) the mortgage lender would not saign house over to me as income would be maintainance for the time being. So legally I would have to claim my assets and maintainance and in effect take him to the cleaners which I don't want to do.

He has said he will close his business down,work forafriend, get paid the minimum and I will get nothing. He is turning nasty and I am trying to remain civil and point out that we have to come to an agreement that is best for the children.

We could sell our house but we have hardly any equity.

Basically, how can we move forwards from this? I really need advice re the finances and what to do if he does one over on me and carriesout his threats re the business.

HELP!!!!

It all seems really scary right now doesn't it?

the thing is, as a single mum, you can work and support yourself and your children. Your H will pay maintainance, and you will survive. You may be very hard up for a number of years, living on the breadline, but if you are careful and budget well it can be done (I know).

I don't mind working, really I don't. Before kids I always had 2 or 3 jobs on the go at the same time. Even though am SAHM now, I am a Governor at a school and do befriending for a charity so wouldn't say I was work shy.

I don't mind being skint. We don't have an extravagant lifestyle now as DH is a drinker and spends a lot of booze, so....

I just can't get a straight answer over how much maintainance he is obliged to pay so can present a fair and affordable financial agreement to him.

Could you call CSA (or whatever they call themselves these days) and ask them what maintainance he has to pay? Or google it?

You will be fine. It seems scary but you will be fine, and in the long run you won't even remember this stressful time of not knowing how things would all pan out in the end.

Good luck with it al.

MTAA, you've probably already found it by now: the CSA give clear guidelines and a calculator on their website.

I don't have kids, but am sharing the discovery that poverty is better than unhappiness! I wish you the very best - common sense and a bit of luck will see you right

You can sell up and rent, get help with your rent, childcare and living costs. You can work and get tax credits. You can be happy! He will have to pay IIRC 25% of his income for 3 DC.

Be happy

See that is the thing, you can't just sell off your house and hope to get a bit of assistance (top up of housing benefit or income support) as you have to mitigate your losses and you can't relinquish assets (i.e. sell or sign over houses/assets) either.

I am screwed.

Had a quick chat to DH (accountant) - he sees this all the time (couples getting nasty) and unless you can run the business yourself, he can run it into the ground (though I presume Courts take a dim view of that). I presume you have copies of all the Co. accounts etc, for evidence should he try and sell it whatever.

When me and DH were going through a bad patch, the solicitor said basically the worse case senario would be me and 4DC living in rented accommodation on income support which I could cope with (we had a lot of debts too). She said I had to wait until he stopped paaying everything and wait for the mortgage etc to repossess etc - basically I was screwed too.

Sorry you are going through this, hopefully his better nature might come through when things have calmed down.

Good luck.

Thanks Countingto10, that is reassurring in a funny way!

I had this plan that I would leave him, he would pay maintenance for the kids, then Housing Benefit/Income Support would top up my finances until next September when my youngest goes to school and childcare would be affordable. That I could sign over my shares and he could give me the house (bearing in mind hardly any equity and I paid the deposit on our first house and for the renovation work to be done and used my redundancy to help set up his business/sold my car to get him a car when he left job and set up company etc) which I thought was reasonable and fair.

Then saw Solicitor who said the lender wouldn't allow the house to be signed over as my income would be maintenance and I shouldn't sign over shares because of mitigating losses/relinquishing shares etc.

So thought, OK, plan b, do this when littlest at school and can work and not reliant on benefits, only 18 months, just sit it out.

Now he has decided to call time on things,leaving me high and dry. I will get through this, there is no other way, what doesn't kill you make you stronger.