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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is this domestic violence?

26 replies

noideareally · 28/06/2010 21:01

Asked DP to go elsewhere for the night after latest episode. Am a bit shaky.

There are problems in the relationship relating to him feeling angry that I am main breadwinner. It was his own decision to quit job to pursue artistic plans 7 years ago but hasn't been able to motivate himself to see anything through. I think has been suffering depression. We live abroad for my job.

We have DD 8 months and also row about childcare, I'm on mat leave but getting jitters about going back to work.

This afternoon after talk about childcare I went into kitchen carrying DD to get myself a glass of water. He said he'd get it, I said don't worry, he then swiped all the washing up off the drying rack into sink at me, smashing a few things, then smashed drying rack down on sink and then wrenched the tap off. This was just in front of my face (I was holding DD) but didn't touch me.

It's the first time this has happened since I was a couple of months' preg when he came at my stomach karate kicking and swearing as I was panicking and backed away. Again didn't touch me (and kicked inches away from me) and seemed surprised that I thought it was big deal. I felt as if I was exaggerating to make a big deal of it, but I made him sleep in spare room thinking he would get the message. In the past he has punched walls/doors/picked things up in the kitchen and smashed things.

I think it's my fault - for being difficult or something. I just can't tell if it's really bad or not. He is v popular guy, everyone says he's so charming, does so much round the house to help me, that I'm so lucky. But I don't want this happening anymore. Is there a helpline I can ring from abroad, tried women's aid but couldn't get through from abroad. Would anger management work? Couple therapy?

Putting baby to bed so not sure when can come back to log on but thanks for views

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 28/06/2010 21:05

Doubt anger management would work...... Never fid for my ex and he went on several 'courses' but yes, it's domestic abuse

chattymitchie · 28/06/2010 21:07

Definitely DV - anything violent that's designed to frighten you is violent abuse, doesn't matter whether he hits you or not it's his intention to scare and control you that matters. Have been in same situation, it escalates quickly in my experience to physical violence. Confronting him won't help, he'll just start to call you abusive every time you get frustrated or angry with his behaviour.
Definitely not your fault though - do you go round treating people like that? Nooooo. And a million quid says he never does it out of the house either - it's to scare you, and that makes it abuse. Why are there so many abusive men out there?? I didn't think nasty men existed until 4 years ago, now they seem to be everywhere!

chattymitchie · 28/06/2010 21:08

And as threeblondeboys says - anger management definitely won't work as it's not about anger, it's about control.

chattymitchie · 28/06/2010 21:10

Oh, and definitely not couple therapy! He'll just be insanely angry if you disclose any of his behaviour and will definitely make you pay for it afterwards. He'll also use all the psychology they use in therapy against you later, and before you know it, it will be you with mental health issues, not him.

Eurostar · 28/06/2010 21:14

I think they say for that anger management etc.. to work, the aggressor must be able to feel remorse. Doesn't sound like yours does.

Tombliboob · 28/06/2010 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

babymutha · 29/06/2010 00:50

You are shaky because his behaviour is designed to make you shaky. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU DO NOT MAKE HIM DO THESE THINGS. Are you scared that he might start flipping out at you or DD? All this is in front of DD and totally unacceptable. Please, I don't want to freak you out, but his behaviour is really worrying, especially if he's doing a jeykll and hyde thing in front of your friends and pretending that his insane behaviour is no big deal to you. It is a big deal and depression is no excuse, although it might be a contributing factor. Do whatever you can to protect yourself and your DD. take care

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 29/06/2010 01:26

Definitely domestic violence; he's abusive and he's deliberately scaring you and frightening you, and NO it's not your fault for being 'difficult'.

This is a minor point in the scheme of things, but by the way, if he's unemployed and you're supporting the household, why on earth do you think you're "lucky" that he "helps" you around the house? Surely it should be his job to do the house and childcare if you're the earner?

caramelwaffle · 29/06/2010 01:41

Yes, it is Domestic violence. Aimed at you.

No, it is not your fault.

"he is v popular guy, everyone says he is so charming..."
Those who perpetuate violence against others in a domestic setting are always charming, and in the main, popular.

Anger management/couples therapy will not work in this instance. However, lone therapy and assertiveness therapy (for you) may help.

Womens Aid should be your first port of call for thorough advice.

(A virtual cup of tea and hug from me)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/06/2010 07:15

Abusers are often very plausible to those in the outside world; it is always different behind closed doors with regards to their victim. Abuse is about power and control.

Womens Aid has a website; can you access that?.

What country are you in?. Are you in Europe for instance, a continent will do if you do not want to specify.

You have to get away from this abusive man; is there any way you can return to the UK with your DD?. You will need to do this as much for your DD as for your own self because he could well end up putting you in hospital otherwise. That is not beyond the realms of possibility here.

The more support you have the better. You need to make a plan of escape. His abusive behaviour has escalated over time and will continue to do so; it started when you were pg and it has escalated since. Such a type of violence being directed at you now as well often starts in pregnancy.

Couple therapy and anger management will not make any difference or have any effect at all in this type of abuse situation. Your only option now is to leave.

Original poster
noideareally · 29/06/2010 08:55

thanks attila, am in europe. Can't seem to work out if I can call Womens Aid from here. Their freephone no doesn't work.

He just came back this morning, shivers down my spine. We didn't talk but could see from his face that for him it was as if nothing happened. He saw my face and offered to leave again, and did. But he was clearly angry at having to go.

OP posts:
herecomesthesun · 29/06/2010 09:33

Just try to imagine how you would feel if this was your DD as an adult going through this situation, you would feel that it was domestic abuse, totally unacceptable and you would want her to get the hell out of there. I think that you know that this is unacceptable behaviour and if you don't have the strength to get out of the relationship for you then why dont you do it for your daughter, she does not deserve to grow up being around/obverving/being subjected to this kind of behaviour/abuse/relationship.

I know that you will be hoping that it is a one-off but it's already not a one-off. What will happen next time and what would have happened last time if you weren't holding your DD. What would have happened if something had hit your daughter in the face in the middle of this. You have to protect her as well as yourself.

AnyFucker · 29/06/2010 09:34

yes

ChocolatePants · 29/06/2010 09:38

My ex is very charming. Noone who knows him in rl would believe the awful things he has said and done to me

Of course he will make out you are exaggerating- he will try to minimise and sanitise his actions.

Yeah it's abuse.

What do you want to do ?

cestlavielife · 29/06/2010 09:55

agree with others - it is really bad... my ex also charming etc to others. (that is teh abusive bit - he can control himself in front of others...) he did the smashing things thing. it is abusive. and there will come a time when your daughter just happens to be in the way when he kicks, or your head - then what?
it is darn scary.

sorri but you have to get away from him.

when/if he recognizes his issues, he can get help...forget coupoes counsellign but do try and see someone for you... maybe your work has counselling lines to call?

my exP sitll asserts that his violence was my fault because i upset him/stressed him out/etc...

and i too was breadwinner (still am for my dcs) and he was depressive... scarily familiar.

please, no excuses for him, he is dangerous man who will one day explode and harm you or your DD phsyically, and is harming you now.

read why does he do that - order on amazon
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

CMOTdibbler · 29/06/2010 10:05

You can email Womens Aid at [email protected], and I'm sure they will give you a number you can call from outside the UK

I hope you get the help you need to make a new life where you and DD will be safe

NicknameTaken · 29/06/2010 10:48

Yes, it's domestic violence and no, anger management/couples counselling won't solve it. Sorry. Been there. I know it's hard.

I don't think freephone numbers work from outside the UK. Try calling the Women's Aid general enquiries number (00 44 117 944 44 11) to ask for a number accessible from abroad. Also, if you come back to the UK, any idea where you might go? London, home town? Check online for a number for the local WA branch there.

Original poster
noideareally · 29/06/2010 12:39

Thanks so much everyone. I called a helpline here in the country where I live. They were very good. I'll also now make an appointment with a specialist centre here where I live.
Have asked him to leave for the rest of the week, have an appointment by phone with my therapist. Will take it day by day.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/06/2010 12:41

All the very best x

NicknameTaken · 29/06/2010 12:55

Good luck, and well done for taking action.

blackcurrants · 29/06/2010 15:27

You don't make him do it, he chooses to.

Wishing you all good luck and good things, you've made a great first step.

bleedingheart · 29/06/2010 15:34

Good luck. Congratulations on taking action, you do not deserve to be put in a situation like that.

TheSmallClanger · 29/06/2010 16:05

Does Women's Aid have an equivalent in the country you are in? I say this also because they are probably more clued-up about property/employment/protection rights in your country, as well as being nearer.

ZZZenAgain · 29/06/2010 16:08

has he agreed to leave? Hope the specialist centre you are going to see will be helpful.- Can't believe anyone would think a pregnant woman would be comfortable having someone do karate kicks at her tummy , even without actualy contact. Very strange behaviuor.

He does sound like he has a lot of aggression in him

comewhinewithme · 29/06/2010 16:15

Read "Why does he do that" my copy came today and it has opened my eyes to a lot of stuff .