P cheating, please could somebody help, I don't know what to do (long, sorry!)

[dismantlethesun]

Argh

Background- I was OW briefly. DP told me he and wifey had been separated for 7 years, they had not

We moved in together after 6 months, it became a fiery relationship because he hacked into my emails and read that I had said he was controlling

He banned all friends. He banned relatives. He banned staying 5 mins late at work. Banned certain clothes and shoes. Stopped me progressing in my career.

Began to falsely accuse me of things. Always false. Began to be very violent.

Reverted to old drinking habits. Drinks A LOT.

I got pregnant (one year in) and he got even more violent.

I suspected him of an affair because I found a message on his phone but he denied it then beat me up badly.

I really loved him. He was so good at controlling me, being ver 30 years my senior.

Had DD, he was awful. I told him I was leaving and he said if I left he would lie to social services and say I was a bad mother. I said, but I'm not I'm a great mother, he said 'I have police connections/etc etc they won't believe you'

So I stayed. During that year he nearly killed me with a wine bottle and with other acts of violence. He grabbed DD once when she was crying but I jumped in and fought him off her. He punched me hard in the head and strangled me while I was holding her. When DD was almost 1 she became acutely unwell and was admitted to hospital. She was there for 3 months and then she died.

He was never in the hospital, he was in the pub on his laptop, or somewhere else. He would tell me he was fcking a barmaid, then say he only said it to wind me up, he told me he was fcking a colleague, then said he only said it to wind me up. He would not let me stay in the hospital with DD overnight, because he said if I did he would leave and not pay rent so I'd be homeless (I was on extended maternity leave) and I got scared and thought DD wouldn't be able to be discharged if he did that as we'd have no home to go to. So I stayed.

She died, he turned up briefly to shed a false tear. I got pregnant immediately- I reget this now, but it was a one-off and I was extremely upset.

I went back to work, he became violent again, kicking me in the stomach hard. I bit him (one time) in self defence to get his arms off me as he was holding me down to kick me. The police were called and they let him go because he has 'connections' and he reported my act of defence. The only time I've ever fought back.

Baby was born. Blabla. He's now been made redundant. WE have no s*x life at all because he is so much older and is diabetic so it's pretty useless. But he has always said 'it works fine when I want it to' My grandma died, my best friend died the other week, and DP has destroyed all my other friendships except for a few in Canada.

I have just found a memory stick with his emails on it from work. I looked at it because he indicated he was emailing his wifelet (he wasn't) and he had hidden the stick. I read lots of it, including his sent emails which mentioned a new secret account. I logged in (same password for everything) and he has been having an affair since before DD was born.

WHat do I do?? I am scared. I am in rented accomodation that is more than my full time salary. DC2 is 5mths old. I have no income other than statutory maternity pay. I have no family now really and all my friends gave up 4 years ago. I am 24. I have ruined my career by having babies and being so unprofessional. Hell, I don't even know if I want to be in my career. I want to go back to uni. Or leave the country. Or right now I jjust want to curl up and die, quite frankly.

I honestly do not know how to handle this- he is still married to the ex as well, so I'm not entitled to anything if we split. I have a low income even when working full time. No childcare.

Thanks anyone, he's going to wake up in a minute and I'm going to have to pretend I don't know I really believed him when he said I was his soul mate etc. He said he loved me. I hoped he would change. I am mortified that I have been so stupid and didn't leave when DD was small.

Would you mind if I used the WA email address and sent them a link to this thread? I don't really know what to say to them and I can't call them when he is here.

What general area do you live? There are people offering to help you on here

I know you're scared but I was in similar shoes to yours 12 years ago.

I told my xh I was just nipping to the shops for bread and milk, took the children with me as they'd enjoy the walk and never ever went back.

I had no idea about WA or anything like that, I just turned up at the council office and burst into tears. They were fantastic, found me a place in a refuge, who then helped me claim benefits and emergency funds to buy some clothes and stuff for me and the children. I had no documents, nothing, and they helped sort all that out too.

It took a few months and a court case and injunction but I eventually was given the matrimonial home and a fat injunction so he couldn't come anywhere near us.

Please get out of there, he sounds far worse than my xh was and he was bad enough.

SE London but he flips out if I even go in the organic baby shop (!) where there is no phone recepton so I wouldn't want to involve anyone else in this madness.

Oh, akhems. You are so brave.

You can do this dismantle.

having been through all this myself,i want to reassure you that it will all be ok!!

i left with 4 dc....best thing i ever did!

womens aid may say leave now....meet their worker somewhere,as they wont give you their address. have you got some taxi money? or walk too a poublic place.

everything can be replaced....you will be able to claim other benefits. the forms will be there in their office,workers will help you fill them out. they can arrange appointment with a solicitor if necessary. also with housing

would you want to remain in area you are in? this could be a chance to relocate. i did this. a new start. alot to think of

if i were near you,would also help....mumsnet has done this before for others

A huuuuge part of me is still saying 'You love him. Stay with him. Pretend you don't know. It's easier'

but its not just about you now,is it?? this man is dangerous. you can stay and fight him off.....your baby cant though.....its your job to protect him,regardless of how you feel about his dad.

Thinking strong and brave thoughts for you dismantle (great name btw)

Please take all the help you can get - whether from other mners, friends, any family, most certainly WA and build a stronghold around yourself and dc.

Ring WA as soon as he is out and gather documents together as others have suggested.

Take a deep breath. You have been living in a hellish world and once you are out of it you will be able to unpack your dismantled sun and put it together again in a big shiny warm way.

Please let us know what happens and do NOT be tempted to say a WORD to this man. He could seriously hurt you.

You can do this, you must do this. We are all behind you. This isn't about money (though all that will come your way and you will survive - believe me, and others, there is financial help and support out there) this is about your safety, your sanity and the rest of your life with your lovely dc.

Be strong, get out. ((((()))))

He will kill you, maybe not physically alth0ough from what you've said he is quite capable of doing that, but definitely mentally and emotionally

Your baby will grow up thinking it's normal to torture and abuse women and so the horror will perpetuate...

It won't be easy, but the sense of relief of not having to live in fear any more is immense, the freedom to be yourself and just relax without wondering when the next torrent of abuse is going to come...

You absolutely must get out, if not for your sake then for the sake of your child.

I was thinking maybe I could somehow get him out of the flat and then stay here, even if I claim tax credits/housing benefit til I go back to work. I think I'm allowed a 2 bed place with a DS. I am quite attached.. It has lockable gates, but I think he would try and get revenge.

OK ignore that idea. He's stomping about in the kitchen now

no....how an you stay there?? he'll pester the life out of you. he will have some excuse every time to return for this or that...

Sun.. what I did was get out and then go to court to get the house back for the children and I, the judge also issued an injuntion banning him from coming within 100 metres of me or the house so I could call the police if needs be but until all that was put in place it was much safer for us to be living elsewhere.

If that turns out not to be possible in your case, things can be replaced and you can get a lovely new flat - fresh start with no bad memories or associations. In some ways I wish I had taken that option instead.

sorry x-posts. Is it always the unfaithful men that accuse innocent women of affairs/etc for no reason whatsoever? I have had that for years from him and have never even glanced at anyone else.

Oh I'm scared. I have to do this now don't I? No more wasting time, I would hate for DS to be harmed or to grow up with me constantly jumping in to stop P hurting him, or to grow up thinking Ps behaviour is acceptable.

Going to do something useful/find things. Thank you all x

Dismantlethesun, really truly forget about staying there and getting him out, please. You would not be safe.

Either wait for him to go out and then phone WA immediately, or take the first opportunity to go out yourself with your baby and phone them as soon as you're out of sight of the house.

Worry about documents etc after you've spoken to them. Please make sure that the first thing you do is phone them and tell them where you are. Don't waste time on anything else until you've spoken to them.

You are in a very dangerous situation and you really need to get away.

Keeping everything crossed for you and your baby. You deserve so much more than this and you can get it; just one strong move now - phone WA. You can do it. encouragingly.

Yep, my xh used to accuse me of all sorts of things, he checked the mileage in the car to make sure it matched up to where I'd said I was going, would turn up at places I was going to be, would ring people to make sure I'd been visiting them and not gallivanting elsewhere, would search my handbag all the time, question the children about where we'd been, who we saw etc etc

Turned out he was sleeping with a neighbour and also with his brother's wife - and I later discovered that his nephew was in fact his son

Please leave - contact WA - and don't look back.

You are young and have your lives ahead of you.

You can start again in a new place - where he doesn't know where you are.

He sounds like he is capapble of murder - please go.

Dear Dismantlethesun, do what the others have said, and go now. If he is in the house he could look over your shoulder and see this thread. If he has installed a keystroke logger it could have logged every word of this conversation, and you would be unable to delete it.

No more delaying. This is not a life.

Once you are safe you will realise that you are only twenty four. You have sixty odd years of life ahead of you. Don't let this evil man have a minute more of your life.

I'm sure if you have normal loving parents, they will welcome you with open arms, as will brothers and sisters and any true friends.

You are young enough to improve your education, restart your career, or start a new career. It's not too late.

Go now.

So sorry to hear of your situation, you need to keep yourself and baby safe, he sounds controlling and full of shit, unless he is a computer expert there will be traces and the police would find them. Like everyone else I think you should call WA, but there are ways of getting him out and keeping the flat if you are sure it is safe (I wouldn't personally) you can apply for an occupation order which essensially bans him from entry and is legally enforcable (ignore all that bollocks about his connections it will all be logged and you can complain etc) and you would be entitled to HB etc if rented, also you dont lose your rights re settlement if you divorce any money you are entitled to you could get but could get messy.
Call WA or Shelter, they have a really good website too with advise re your situation and they offer drop in services also. Also you could try a solicitor who specialises in family law again alot of these offer free advice and you may have a free legal centre near you they are all over.
You are the only one who can change this, be strong for yourself and your baby and get help, if you have to leave quickly try to get some basic ID for yourself and baby as will make easier. Hang in there

Dismantled just being practical here, and I'm not sure if this is your pc or his, but if you are very paranoid about the pc, download this HijackThis

Run it, don't let it fix anything as he will know you've removed it, but take a look at what it finds and if there is a keylogger you will know that you can't use the pc to MN about your situation. Then delete HijackThis (I can talk you through if you need me to)

Please be strong, get your important documents and just go.

If you are thinking you can't leave because you love him please think of your child. Do you want them to grow up being scared of what Daddy might do to Mummy or to them? Please just leave, material items are replaceable, your safety is not.