P cheating, please could somebody help, I don't know what to do (long, sorry!)

[dismantlethesun]

Argh

Background- I was OW briefly. DP told me he and wifey had been separated for 7 years, they had not

We moved in together after 6 months, it became a fiery relationship because he hacked into my emails and read that I had said he was controlling

He banned all friends. He banned relatives. He banned staying 5 mins late at work. Banned certain clothes and shoes. Stopped me progressing in my career.

Began to falsely accuse me of things. Always false. Began to be very violent.

Reverted to old drinking habits. Drinks A LOT.

I got pregnant (one year in) and he got even more violent.

I suspected him of an affair because I found a message on his phone but he denied it then beat me up badly.

I really loved him. He was so good at controlling me, being ver 30 years my senior.

Had DD, he was awful. I told him I was leaving and he said if I left he would lie to social services and say I was a bad mother. I said, but I'm not I'm a great mother, he said 'I have police connections/etc etc they won't believe you'

So I stayed. During that year he nearly killed me with a wine bottle and with other acts of violence. He grabbed DD once when she was crying but I jumped in and fought him off her. He punched me hard in the head and strangled me while I was holding her. When DD was almost 1 she became acutely unwell and was admitted to hospital. She was there for 3 months and then she died.

He was never in the hospital, he was in the pub on his laptop, or somewhere else. He would tell me he was fcking a barmaid, then say he only said it to wind me up, he told me he was fcking a colleague, then said he only said it to wind me up. He would not let me stay in the hospital with DD overnight, because he said if I did he would leave and not pay rent so I'd be homeless (I was on extended maternity leave) and I got scared and thought DD wouldn't be able to be discharged if he did that as we'd have no home to go to. So I stayed.

She died, he turned up briefly to shed a false tear. I got pregnant immediately- I reget this now, but it was a one-off and I was extremely upset.

I went back to work, he became violent again, kicking me in the stomach hard. I bit him (one time) in self defence to get his arms off me as he was holding me down to kick me. The police were called and they let him go because he has 'connections' and he reported my act of defence. The only time I've ever fought back.

Baby was born. Blabla. He's now been made redundant. WE have no s*x life at all because he is so much older and is diabetic so it's pretty useless. But he has always said 'it works fine when I want it to' My grandma died, my best friend died the other week, and DP has destroyed all my other friendships except for a few in Canada.

I have just found a memory stick with his emails on it from work. I looked at it because he indicated he was emailing his wifelet (he wasn't) and he had hidden the stick. I read lots of it, including his sent emails which mentioned a new secret account. I logged in (same password for everything) and he has been having an affair since before DD was born.

WHat do I do?? I am scared. I am in rented accomodation that is more than my full time salary. DC2 is 5mths old. I have no income other than statutory maternity pay. I have no family now really and all my friends gave up 4 years ago. I am 24. I have ruined my career by having babies and being so unprofessional. Hell, I don't even know if I want to be in my career. I want to go back to uni. Or leave the country. Or right now I jjust want to curl up and die, quite frankly.

I honestly do not know how to handle this- he is still married to the ex as well, so I'm not entitled to anything if we split. I have a low income even when working full time. No childcare.

Thanks anyone, he's going to wake up in a minute and I'm going to have to pretend I don't know I really believed him when he said I was his soul mate etc. He said he loved me. I hoped he would change. I am mortified that I have been so stupid and didn't leave when DD was small.

Still here.

Still supporting.

SE London Mum - CAT me if you need to.

So proud of you OP - so amazed by you can't

MN at it's best.

sorry, did i happen to say anything wrong about you-know-who? How many disagreed with me? Erm, just herself then? Hey ho..

Fwiw, if we're looking for assets, there are plenty on this thread, and i salute every single one of you.

It's the easiest thing in the world to just sit there and watch, but i see that those here that can help have offered to do so- without even knowing what they'll be asked to do.

That, to me is the definition of an asset and why i'm so proud to be associated with this huge, powerful community that is mumsnet.

Count me in.

So glad to hear Dismantle has been able to talk to someone she knows about this. I hope she's kept safe and that her ex-p keeps far, far away from her.

And thanks so much to can't for keeping us updated

I'm sorry if I worried you, I feel really bad now. Sorry, please don't worry.

I had been meaning to post in relationships for a long time, but I couldn't articulate all the sh*t that had gone on (I've left a lot out in summary) and I knew you'd say leave him. The affair was the straw that broke the camel's back, because he justified his violence by saying he loved me so much he did it, and variations of that reasoning.

I am safe now.

My mum, sadly, was a bit useless, but I couldn't say nothing. We have a very bad relationship, and there was quite a bit of physical violence and emotional awfulness from her when I was a child, she would push me down the stairs as a toddler, and always criticises me. She said I should either go back with her (sorry, but not ever) or stay in the flat, because I need to go back to work from maternity leave and I have some exams in september. She said she can't help with rent or things really, which is fair enough I know she can't she's a nurse and I have a sister and I and didn't expect her to. I asked her to come up by car at the weekend to pick up all my useless items but she said no eventually. She was nice though when I told her and I think she was shocked and concerned.

It doesn't matter though, I don't need any of my useless items. I just need DS to be OK.

I did something else, I sent a text to an old school friend and asked if she could meet up soon- she repled straight back and said yes. She is aware of the history but I have not seen her now for over 2 years. It felt really positive that she was still willing to see me, after my awfully rude behaviour and avoidance of her for so long.

I did not see marantha's posts, but I don't blame her for anything she said. I would think of myself as either mad or an idiot or frankly lying if I came across a thread like this. I should be on Jeremy Kyle. Maybe it is helpful to have a hard slap as a wake up call.

Maybe marantha is right, I am too cold and calculating,. I have been trying to stay calm to work out how to exit properly, whilst keeping a roof over DS;s head. My main concern is how to get by on my statutory maternity pay (less than half the rent) and no help from P. I am not money grabbing at all though. On the contrary when I was working I paid him every penny of my salary, and he spent it on his wife/mother/houses/alcohol. I did it because I loved him and he said we were 'a team' and he needed my help.He took my money, not the other way around.

He's never hurt DS at all, and never hurt DD. When I said roughly I didn't mean with force as such,just carelessly. I don't think it's good enough but I hover around and don't let him do too much with him because he's so clueless with children.

But I am now sure I have to end it.

I am totally safe where I am, don't worry about me, and I am truly grateful for all of your support. I just feel so ashamed that I have been living like this and allowing this to happen.

Thank you for holding my hand through this, and I am sorry to hear of your experiences.

By the way I spoke to him earlier and he claims he never had sex with her, and says he never had a physical relationship and he had to have the relationship I see written down to prevent her from complaining about him to his boss

He is angry that I won't email her and have her confirm that they didn't have sex

The emails, however, tell a very different (and explicit) story. During the illness and death of my child.

I think he wants me to go back and he is being nice and saying how much he loves me and saying nothing ever happened with her.

Part of me thinks, maybe I should return and be quiet about it until I have quietly formulated my exit strategy and have saved a bit and have prepared,because I wasn't prepared for this

But I know I shouldn't really.

I haven't yet called WA back with the extra information. I will do that tomorrow because they were so nice.

CantThink has been so very kind and tolerant as have all of you. It helps to know I'm not alone or mad or making a mistake in leaving.

He also said if I don't obey him he will call the police or social services and have the baby taken away. He's bluffing isn't he?

I'm in a hotel now and he doesn't know where I am, so I am safe but what if they believe him and not me?

Im re reading their emails, torturing myself and trying to pretend it's not true. It's having the dual effect of not only making me nauseous but making me incredibly angry with him- is that good? he sounded so 'nice' earlier. I can't believe it, really.

Sorry I know it's wrong to be so upset about the affair and not the ongoing abuse but the violence and abuse became normal and accepted a long time ago, this is what has really shattered everything.

Was it a stupid idea to email his father telling him what has happened? I got so angry I sent it. They are nice people, his father and his 3rd wife. They live on the other side of London- the father is pretty old but they said if they could do anythign, ring. And they warned me about him 2 months ago at lunch, and again last sunday his father warned me he will 'explode'. I nodded and pretended everything was fine

Dismantle, I am no expert on DV so I'm just replying to this because there is no-one more experienced around to advise you(I am a bit of an insomniac). I can sense your confusion and I really don't want you to go back to your home after having made such a huge break.

You write such conflicting things about this man (and I use the term very loosely). On the one hand you write:

'I think he wants me to go back and he is being nice and saying how much he loves me and saying nothing ever happened with her.'

But he isn't being nice at all because you also write this:

'He also said if I don't obey him he will call the police or social services and have the baby taken away. He's bluffing isn't he?'

And this:

'He is angry that I won't email her and have her confirm that they didn't have sex.'

He is, by turns cajoling you and turning on the 'charm' and then bullying you when he sees you aren't responding. He's trying the carrot and then using the stick. Don't let him confuse you. Whatever he says about the affair doesn't matter any more. He has beaten and strangled you and to be near him again would be extremely dangerous. My advice is not to reply to any of his texts. He will gradually get angrier and angrier and will text you more and more nasty threats which you will be able to use with regard to getting an injunction and in any custody disputes. Then, tomorrow, phone WA again and start your new life.

You DS will not be taken from you. This man is a bully and you need to get away from him. You have been very brave so far, please don't go back on what you have done. You aren't alone and have so many people rooting for you.

He's absolutely bluffing, dismantle.

And no you shouldn't go back! No no no NO, you will NEVER be prepared for this, you will NEVER save any money because he'll just take it and spend it, it's all only just stuff.

And now he knows that you're capable of leaving, he will be so much more controlling than ever before, he will be so much more vigilant of you, he will watch your every move. By doing what you've done (well done!) you've made it impossible to go back.

Your mother, by the way, sounds completely worthless. Poor you, growing up in that situation. It is just stuff, of course, but I'm sorry she can't be any help. How appalling of her, to call herself a mother and let you down so badly again.

I'm glad you're seeing your school friend. And please, if there's anything any of us can do, don't feel embarrassed to ask. A lot of us would gladly give you baby equipment, lifts, a place to stay. I'm in Australia, which is why I'm posting in the middle of the night, but if you need money I can help there, at least.

Well done. Well done. I can't say this enough times. You've had a crappy awful life, and this is the biggest step to making it better.

And don't speak to him again. It's not safe, love.

I think I'm really tired but I just can't sleep. I have read what they did, it makes my skin crawl knowing he thinks I can't prove it, knowing he thinks I will never find out, he has thrown me and his two children with me away- why>>?

Sorry I am just partly so happy to finally have my 'out'. I had been wishing for it to end for a long time. In 2007 I said to a friend having coffee (in secretm leaving the coffe place every 5 mins to ring him and pretend I was alone) that I was longing for him to do something terrible, or for me to find out about an affair, because then I could throw it in his face and walk out

Since then a lot has happened though and I'm not so strong now

But mainly devastated and unprepared for this right now

Oh, love, nobody's ever prepared for a massive betrayal layered on top of what's already been going on.

Happy to keep chatting if it helps. But I do hope you can get some sleep. Are you still in the hotel across the road? Is it literally across the road?

DS is fast asleep, sleeps through no matter what goes on arond him, he is so sweet and smiley

I am feeling really weak, now I'm not there he's accusing me of cheating on him

This is nuts! I won't speak to him anymore, but I really want this all to not be true and to wake up and be happy with him and DS like I once hoped we would be

He says it's my fault and I shouldn't have been snooping

A huge part of me is saying 'but you love him' how warped is that

and 'but you can go back and either ask him to move out or pack up and leave in an organised fashion'

or 'go back, be nice to him, and leave with no warning whatsoever in a few days time..'

I think he will do what he says he will. I think he will call the police/whoever and make false complaints about me and he will do everything in his power to destroy any life I could potentially have

Thank you celtic, tortoise, instructions. I couldn't accept anything from anyone, no, just being able to post here is so helpful to me.
Sorry I am ditheringm you must all want to beat me up as well! I am such an idiot

OK I'm going to try and sleep a bit

thank you everyone- over and out!

Dismantle, if you go back and ask him to move out, or pack yourself, he will put you in hospital.

And when you get out, he won't leave the house for long enough for you to have time to pack and leave - I note he's been made redundant, so no need to leave for work, even. He'll check up on you constantly, come home unexpectedly, make you call him at random intervals from the landline. There is no way, having been blindsided once, that this man is going to give you the opportunity to escape a second time.

Read your original post back. What about that story makes you think that he'll possibly give you a second opportunity to leave him?

He's beaten you up again and again. He tried to make you miscarry your son. Right now he is more furious with you than he has ever been before, and he's going to try everything in his power to make you come back. So that he can punish you.