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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please explain this to me someone?

9 replies

stillmessedup · 27/06/2010 20:52

Why did my ex have absolutely no regard for my thoughts or feelings whatsoever when we were together.

He constantly told me that my feelings didn't mean anything, the "family" as a unit more important than one person. I should just deal with his behaviour, infidelity, selfishness, verbal and emotional abuse and drinking because the "family" the most important thing and my feelings didn't matter.

I am selfish because I left him. I put myself before my children. I am preventing him from living with his children because my "own, pathetic feelings". I am a grown woman and should put my children first, before silly romantic dreams.

All things he said to me, even today he said them again and I know he believes it, I know he believes that I am inconsequential and my hopes and feelings are completely unimportant. How can someone feel that way about another Human Being, especially one who is the mother of his children?

Do you have to have a personality disorder to think this way or am I really so disgusting and unloveable? He looks and talks to me as though he doesn't consider me to be human. I am just a bad, selfish, horrible person, who has no right to demand any kind of decent treatment.

I can't seem to deal with this. It is always in my head. I feel damaged by it, as though I will never be able to have any kind of relationship again even friendship because I am so pointless.

OP posts:
BigBadMummy · 27/06/2010 20:54

Guilt. Pure and simple. For him to admit he is in the wrong is too much so it is easier for him to pass all the blame to you.

Sorry you are going through this.

Do you have people in RL you can talk to or who can offer support?

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 27/06/2010 20:57

Limit his contact with you. He will then have less influence.

It's like subliminal advertising that affects what you believe.

Stop his behaviour affecting you. You can't change him but you can change how you react

PotPourri · 27/06/2010 20:59

You are wonderful, not perfect (no one is), but you are wonderful. Dont enter into a discussion with him about it. Your feelings aside, you are doing this to teach your children (by example)that they deserve respect and happiness, as do you. If you have a daughter, imagine her coming to you for advice on this very issue. Would you tell her she had made her bed? No. well there you are then.

You deserve to be happy and your children deserve to be taught respect for themselves

Anniegetyourgun · 27/06/2010 21:02

He's right about one thing: the family is the most important thing, above even a mother's feelings. But by leaving this horrible man with his total lack of kindness, decency or empathy you have put your family first. He is the one who failed to put it above his own comfort, drink and shagging around. You do not deserve that kind of treatment and your children do not need that kind of example. "Family" is not a possession of his, that he has an absolute right to. Family is people who look after and love each other. Your family just got smaller by one, but it will be far far happier and more loving.

Apply this simple logic test: if you are disgusting and unloveable, how come he isn't overjoyed that you left?

stillmessedup · 27/06/2010 21:05

I know I should stop trying to "understand". He was always ok with family and friends, just me he couldn't seem to stand. What was wrong with me, he was like it almost from a couple of months after he married me. He was unfaithful to me about 8 months in and although I didn't know it at the time his feelings towards me changed then and I knew something had happened but I always thought it was me that I had been so awful he couldn't love me anymore, so I tried to be better and better, while he behaved worse and worse.

Its fair enough if he stopped loving me but he still seems to feel the need to be around me telling me all about myself and then tells me he is only interested in the dc but as they live with me then he has to be around me too to keep things "normal" for them.

He seems to want to be around just to be able to continue being a shit to me. It just doesn't seem normal.

OP posts:
stillmessedup · 27/06/2010 21:06

"Family" is not a possession of his, that he has an absolute right to.

That sums up his attitude towards the marriage break up perfectly.

OP posts:
LaserWidow · 27/06/2010 22:04

He's a horrible, twisted person. You're not, so you would never be able to comprehend his warped way of thinking.

You don't deserve to be treated in this way. Have you read this post?

mumonthenet · 27/06/2010 23:16

Laser is so right. Read that thread.

It is about emotional abuse or I should say Emotional Abuse. Read that whole thread, then read everything you can about Emotional Abuse. EA is what you suffered during your marriage. He is still emotionally abusing you.

Read Patricia Evans' book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It will help you to see that your X has a totally different reality to you. He was never normal...therefore he never changed or stopped loving you after you got married. He was always the same. What happened after you got married was that his sense of ENTITLEMENT (to control/criticise) got stronger.

jicm · 28/06/2010 18:28

"No one has the right to make you feel inferior without your permission"

xxx

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