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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ive just been dumped

27 replies

whoknows2010 · 27/06/2010 20:47

Background- me and partner been together 11 years, house together and two children.
Last weeks he claimed to have been unhappy for over a year and this evening has sprung it on me that he no longer loves me and that he doesn't think relate can do anything for us as he has tried to love me like he used to but cant.

So thats it, I am now on my own with no house (mortgage is in his name) no savings (just spent them on extending the house) and no money cos I am a SAHM with two small children.

What the hell shall I do????

OP posts:
gingerkirsty · 27/06/2010 20:49

I am so sorry, didn't want to leave you unanswered. What a nightmare, was it a total shock or did you have any inkling?

I am almost sure you are entitled to half the house, maybe post in legal for advice?

ShinyAndNew · 27/06/2010 20:50

Go to CAB first thing in the morning. Sorry you are having to deal with this.

ginnny · 27/06/2010 20:53

Surely he's not going to just throw you and the dc out on the street?
You have rights - he will have to pay you child support and I'm pretty sure you can stay in the house or at least get half of it.
So sorry this has happened - its horrible.

whoknows2010 · 27/06/2010 20:54

Yep total shock, no arguing or hard feelings, I had no idea he was even unhappy I thought he was just stressed cos a lot of things have happenned in the last six months or so.

Yesterday he said he had been unhappy for ages but still loved me, today he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't think he can again.

OP posts:
armbow · 27/06/2010 21:21

sounds like we are in a similar situation whoknows. i had my bombshell last night

anothermum92 · 27/06/2010 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

whoknows2010 · 27/06/2010 21:43

arnbow we do sound very similar, we had been together since we were 18 so I have never been through this before- we should start a desperately sad club. I cant stop crying

He says there is no-one else and I actually believe him, he has just realised that there are no feelings left for me

OP posts:
armbow · 27/06/2010 21:48

well i have just been sobbing in the shower whilst he is sleeping in the spare room.... this is shit isn't it - its just so cruel. let's hold hands.

gettingeasier · 27/06/2010 22:16

arm and who cant post now but I am so sorry been dumped myself -different circumstances- cry and let it out . Truly you arent alone

SolidGoldBrass · 27/06/2010 22:31

WHo: He can't just put you and the children out on the street. Is he trying to? If he has actually said that you need to leave the house (rather than discussing with you what should happen) then get legal advice ASAP. If all he;s said is that he doesn;t love you and you're dumped, ask him what he is picturing as the future ie who's moving out? How much maintenance is he going to pay you for the DC's upkeep?
Get your own legal advice no matter what: while many people who want to end a relatinship are capable of doing so with kindness and fairness (ie not trying to rip you off financially) it's as well to know the facts about your position before you begin negotiating. So that if your XP tries to pull a fast one you will not only spot it but have an early warning that actually this person is not going to treat you ethically over the split.

EricNorthmansmistress · 27/06/2010 22:31

I'm pretty sure if you can evidence that you have put money in the house then you own some of it even if your name is not on it. Sorry.

monkey9237 · 27/06/2010 23:46

Hi so sorry to hear this. Go to the land registry website, and put a charge on the property. Just download a form and post it. He doesnt need to consent to this and he cannot dispute/remove the charge. They are v helpful on the phone. Took me less than 48hrs from start to finish.

It doesnt matter that his name is on them mortgage and yours us not - you have children so you have a legitimate interest to register on the porperty.

armbow · 28/06/2010 09:35

how are you this morning whoknows?

whoknows2010 · 28/06/2010 10:22

In a word- shit.

The house doesnt feel like home, the kids aren't here luckily cos they stayed at my parents so at least they haven't seen me in this state.
I just want to go to bed, put my head under the covers and never come out.

How are you today arnbow? hopefuly coping better than me

OP posts:
Earlybird · 28/06/2010 10:34

I'm sorry. You must be in a complete state of shock.

You ask what should you do - first question, is what do you want? Second question - what does he propose?

Practical questions:

  • how old are dc
  • could your parents or other family help out with childcare on a semi-regular basis?
  • what did you do before sahm, and could there be any way of going back to it to earn again
  • mortgage in his name, but is yours on the deeds?
whoknows2010 · 28/06/2010 10:56

Our children are 4 (in pre-school) and 21 months, luckily I do have close family by who know what is going on and will help out with whatever I ask of them.
I dont know whether my name is on the deeds but we have only just remortgaged anyway so there is no equity there anyway.

He is being really nice about things, there have been no arguements, no shouting, no other woman nothing and thats what is so hard- if there was something to be angry about it would be easier.

We have both been talking constantly and crying so much but at the end of the day if he doesn't love me then there is no future. He has suggested that we stay together for the kids and even that he moves out and continues to pay the mortgage for us so that me and the kids can stay here but realistically I cant do that cos I would feel like I was being owned.

At the moment I dont know whether to stay here while he goes away to sort himself out for a couple of weeks in the hope he misses us and realises his mistake, or go and not look back.

OP posts:
armbow · 28/06/2010 11:44

Shit .... this is weird our kids are exactly the same age and sh is behaving in exactly the same way....

armbow · 28/06/2010 11:45

Saying the same about keeping us in the house with him paying the mortgage .... but I too that he would be keeping me and I want to be able to look after myself if I have too

whoknows2010 · 28/06/2010 11:57

Oh well thats it then, I think the best thing to do is stay here for a couple of weeks while he goes somewhere else to clear his head, I cant move the kids out then back in if he changes his mind, its bad enough for me without causing the children even more hurt. Luckily the youngest is too little to understand and she wont remember any of it but my son will be heartbroken.

I need it to be definate incase it can be resolved and the kids are needlessly uprooted and hurt although I doubt it.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 28/06/2010 13:27

At least it sounds like he is trying to behave as ethically as possible, Whoknows. This will be a positive thing in time and you will be able to have a good co-parent relationship. Right now it;s horrible, of course, but it will ease. Best of luck to you.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 28/06/2010 13:38

I'm really sorry you're going through this OP, but perhaps it might help to tell us how the stress you mentioned he has been enduring has shown, in his behaviour?

Since you had no idea he was feeling this way, I'm afraid that what ever he's telling you, I'd be astonished if there wasn't an OW, or one waiting in the wings. I wish I had a £ for every time I've seen this situation play out, both on MN and RL, where a man was suddenly claiming longstanding dissatisfaction, while claiming there is no-one else - and it turns out there was someone else all along.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/06/2010 14:59

Your legal position is very poor here but all the same you must seek proper legal advice asap with regards to the children, finances and the property.

Basically what is his is his and what is yours is yours. If the property is solely in his name he is indeed within his rights to ask you to leave.

If a house is bought in joint names (either as beneficial joint tenants, or as tenants-in-common) then it should be split accordingly on separation, and either party can force a sale of the property to realise their share.

If the parties are contributing unequally to the purchase price, or to payments on the property, then this should be reflected by being designated as tenants-in-common and holding unequal shareholdings (say 70% and 30%), rather than the equal shareholdings of beneficial joint tenants.

If the property is in the sole name of one party then basically it remains that person's property on separation, unless the other party can establish that there was a common intention that they would be entitled to a share in the property. How do they do this? Here are a few examples

It may have been agreed in a simple conversation (proving it tends to be the problem!), or in writing between the parties at some time

If the other party has directly contributed to the purchase price the courts are likely to accept that at least part of the property should have been in their name

If there has been an "understanding" between the parties and the non-owner has acted to their detriment as a result (eg contributed to mortgage repayments, paid household bills, or, perhaps, sold their own property) then the courts may agree they should share in the property.

The parties can, of course, come to an agreed settlement, but if not, such disputes can become messy and expensive.

My guess too is that there is another woman involved.

whoknows2010 · 28/06/2010 21:06

He swears that there is no other woman and I think after all that has been said over the last few days he may as well have told me if there was.

He has agreed to councilling to try to get the feelings back and we are going to Relate on Thursday night to talk things through so even if is feelings have gone and the relationship is over at least I would understand better.

I feel much stronger now than I have done, I am toughening up for the sake of me and the kids, I will probably be a wreck again tomorrow again though.

OP posts:
armbow · 28/06/2010 21:09

Peaks and troughs .... appreciate this positive frame of mind and try to use it to your advantage. I felt stronger earlier today and started to look into my financial position and it made me feel more in control

whoknows2010 · 28/06/2010 21:25

Oh Armbow how are you feeling now? I have been following your thread even though have not commented for a while.

I really do hope Relate does something, I dont expect miracles but any small step would be a welcome one at the moment. If that doesnt work it would be a trial seperation and then I suppose moving out would be the next logical step.

I need to be sure though 100% that it is final before I go because I cant move the kids back and forth between houses all the while, when I move I will be staying there, they need some stability.

We are big enough and ugly enough to look after ourselves, the kids aren't so we need to do what is best for them.

OP posts:
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