Is it me? Is it him? Fed up of walking on eggshells.But worried about him too.

[dotterel]

Am a long-time MNetter - changed for obvious reasons.

Have been happily married for years and years.
DH stopped smoking a month ago and has seemingly had a personality transplant.
we are hideously linked in terms of when he gets a bit down, I get a bit down and vice versa....But this is like nothing I have exoeriencde before.
He broke down crying the other night for no reason.
he is constantly criticising the children, shouting, exploding...being sarky, snappy...

We 'celebrated;' a milestone anniverary last week - it was awful. I got a bit upset bec\ue I felt a bit taken for granted and like he has forgotton who I am. I think I had unrealistic expectations and was disappointed, But he reacted against my low mood and was vile.
I tried to arange a nice meal out, which he carped about and totally wrong footed me.
He is drinking too much.

I sggested we go away for the weekend this weekend to mark our anniversary. I thought we had a nice time, but all the way home he was surly and snappy. He said his head hurt. He had to pull over at one point.
He came home, drank 2 glasses of wine, watched the footy, then stormed out of the house without telling me and sat int he garden alone for over an hour. I didn't know where he was for ages.
He then came in the house as if nothing had happened, while I put everything away, and then sparked out asleep on the bed. He is still asleep.

I want to tell him how changeable he is. how hard it is for me and the boys to work out what mood he is in. How he makes us all feel when he rejects the boys (one son is 12 and I am scaed dh is driving him away ) How hard is is for me to try and make everything ok all the time.

I m so tired and scared.

We had a terrible year last year and then things improved dramatically. It's almost like we srvived the earthquake but have been knocked to our feet by the aftershock.

you always say that forlorn...

But i seriously doubt it. That's half the problem, he is antisocial these days, works alone and spends the rest of the time with us. He's no time for an affair.

when we look back at a very longterm affair in our family, the h was deliberately distancing himself from the family, he found them annoying just ofr being them, kept "popping out for " something and then being an hour. Criticizin the w for ANY comment she made in public, being reluctant to "be organised" or to plan anything.

I am not saying it to piss you off, just once you see the signs its OBVIOUS> he doesnt like being with you.
that is what it boils down to

jeesus Forlorn, I hadn't even considered that.

But he said the other week when we were talking that I was his rock and without us he had nothing.

then again, i'm nowt much special, so i'd probably be depressed too, if I were him.

how is your sis coping now Forlorn? (how does one get over the fact that someone you think loves you actually hates you?)

and HOW!!!

still not settle - but imminent.
do i know you offline? can email if you dont mind.

yours has nothing apart from family andwork. that would drive me nuts.
has he nothign he is interested in? a sport, walking, music?
everyone needs to just be themselves as well as a dad or h

I think it sounds like depression. It sounds like he is self-medicating with alcohol, which is never a good idea. Stopping smoking may have triggered a bigger 'down' than usual. It may be worth persuading him to go to the GP to talk it through (never easy with men!)

i don't think he knows who is is anymore.
I have been trying to encourage (no, not nag) him to do SOMETHING for a couple of years. all his 'hobbies' are solitary, geeky ones like books, computers, dvds. he used to be a biker, that came with network of friends, a code, a sense of identity.

i think he is depressed too.
but he will HATE that!

you do know me forlorn, and thank you for the ver' kind offer, you old softie, but I think you are irritateted by me so let's not go there...
In fact I irritated you on twitter so much with my fondness for silly hashtag word games, you blocked me

did i?!!! ha w2ht a beatch...
oh GOD> i feel terrible now

can you still see me or did you retaliate?

ah don't feel bad, I felt kind of 'special'

of course I retaliated, my love of terrible puns is far more important to me than knowing what colour nailpolish is in favour...

oh god htat is a challenge.
you must be indoctrinated into nail polish stuff
gimme a clue nad ill look

no no, stoppit, am trying to ban myself from twitter, fb et al because i need to deal with RL.
(Banned myself from here too, only came on because can't talk to RL peeps about this DH crap.)

However, am currently sporting silver polish on fingers (newly grown and non-bitten for first time in over 30 years) and toes. Is that any good?

i htink nice with tan

i haven't read the whole thread.

but i gave up smoking earlier this year. cold turkey.

for first few weeks i was in a little bit of a bad mood. but from about 14 days till the end of 2nd month i would argue black was white with anyone.

i was horrible to everyone.

i knew i was so i started warning everyone before i even said anything to ignore me if i was going off on one.

was the 3rd month before it started to subside.

finally now... 4 months on i feel back to my old self and the black cloud is gone.

i am one of these people who find stopping and not physically lighting up easy.. but its the mental strain thats hard.

constantly fighting the urge to have one just to get back to your old self and stop being horrid to everyone.

fuckinell! Just read this:
''Mental and Emotional Symptoms.

Tension and craving build up during periods of withdrawal, sometimes to a nearly intolerable point. One European study found that the incidence of workplace accidents increases on No Smoking Day, a day in which up to 2 million smokers either reduce the amount they smoke or abstain altogether.

Nearly every moderate to heavy smoker experiences more than one of the following strong emotional and mental responses to withdrawal.

Feelings of being an infant: temper tantrums, intense needs, feelings of dependency, a state of near paralysis.
Insomnia
Mental confusion
Vagueness
Irritability
Anxiety
Depression is common in the short and long term. In the short term it may mimic the feelings of grief felt when a loved one is lost. As foolish as it sounds, a smoker should plan on a period of actual mourning in order to get through the early withdrawal depression. ''

apparently this can last for 3 months

yup... that pretty much sums up how i felt on quitting.

how much longer till he is past 3 months and starts coming out the fog (or should that be smoke haze)

two more months....>

He has come back all fired up and On A Mission to put up some trellis I have been asking him to sort out for around 5 months - so not all bad then! Viva Mania

was thinking about you as I put the washing out.
WHy not tell him that as a result of his emotions that youa re trying to get your head around, you can only come to one of two conclusions

that is he having an affiar
or depressed

then feed in that maybe the withdrawal is harder than he thought and might like to speak to someone about it ( do they still do that quitline thing) or take up a gym membership as you find it hard to cope with

oddly enough, he spent the day googling nicotine withdrawal symptoms and so we had a talk and he was saying '''yy, look that is me, that is exactly how I am feeling!''

put it this way, if you enter ''stopping smoking'' and ''depression'' into search engine, 100s of sites come up.

I reckon it is all pretty much that; the symptoms we have looked up are 'normal' but hard. I don't really remember it being this bad for me, but dh says i was a bit of a nightmare....

oh and he has been using coffee as a substitute as well which is also a Bad Thing, according to Google and co..

he is going to try and sort himself out a bit though. Keep busy and that. Try and get dopamine levels up etc.

Blardy hell, is like having a druggie dh.
(no offence to people really dealing with drug addiction....)

fingers crossed we don't kill each other in next few months.

Just hang on to the fact that it's worth it. FIL died at 54 of cancer - lung cancer and secondary cancers in the liver and colon. He smoked heavily most of his life. That is what is driving DH atm - he;s 48. I want him around for many years yet,

dotterel - just an idea and it might not suit you - but he could try acupuncture to relieve the symptoms, it could help him. Have just googled the research on this and it is interestingly reported - there is no significant difference between the outcomes with real acupuncture and "sham" acupuncture BUT Both groups tested experienced improvement in symptoms! From what I've seen, sham acupuncture is in fact acupressure, which can have very similar effects to acupuncture anyway (Many acupuncturists use it on people who have needle phobia).

ANyway - just an idea to try that can't hurt and could help reduce his symptoms, whether it's a placebo effect or not (imo that really doesn't matter so long as you get a good outcome)

I think, based on experience, that he hasn't really given up smoking.

I hope I am wrong, but his behaviours MIRRORs mine 10 years ago.

I promised DH I'd quit. Day 1 - good, Day 2 - Good, Day 3 - out for a few beers after work and slipped, Day 4 - a weekend would do anything to slip out for a crafty fag. I'd get cranky and aggressive at the slightest thing and would sleep for hours - in the hope that when I woke up, I wouldn't want a fag.

I hope I am wrong, but your description is bang on what I was like.

pADME, I would smell it - I deffo would. As a reformed ex-smoker, I can smell it on all sorts of stuff. One of the wonderful things is that dh no longer reeks.
thumbwitch, see, as a woman, I'd try anything. As a man, unless a male TELLS him that it will work, he will dismiss that as a bit 'wooooo' and new agey bollocks...

we are having a few problems with school and the way they are handling ds's SEn and I am terrified DH is going to go up there and lose it.
This is a man who is known by his friends as the Gentle Giant and Mr Laidback. The change is that extreme.

oh I so know what you mean - before we were married, DH and I were invited to a wedding - he wasn't going to wear a suit on my say-so, but his friends at tennis were when he said he wasn't going to and basically told him he had to - so cue emergency suit buying that afternoon and me having to turn up the trouser hems that night for the wedding the next day!