me and my ****** dp

[ChynaDoll2006]

at the moment my dp and I are really not getting on. The best way to describe it would be to be that we are in a power struggle I suppose. It's all very subtle but most arguments we have happen due to one of us being rude or giving a bit of attitude or whatever, the anger that comes after that, the debate over who should say sorry and why. It's all quite immature to be honest but we are both quite proud people.

As I said, it is definitely a power struggle, and we both have quite bad tempers. Sometimes he takes it too far and shouts at me. Sometimes I take it too far and push him about a bit

Underneath this we really have a very deep and strong love, but so much bullsh*t gets in the way. What can I do?

Being rude and then having arguments sounds like a cycle you need to break.

I'm not really experienced in this, but it sounds corrosive. Especially the longer it goes on.

You seem locked in a cycle, where you are both feeling like victims, and are defensive, or counter attacking.

I imagine you could end up feeling like you don't love each other at all, in the end.

I think it might be worth having some couples counseling to identify what is triggering it, and agree ways to start being kinder to each other. If you both have a strong love, it shouldn't be too hard to do I hope.

Good luck.

Thank you for that, helicopter.

We are both thinking about ending it because we are so tired of it. But I think as you said we should try counseling first.

You have taken a big step by realising/admitting the problem , especially on 'tinternet..

Thing is , what do|YOU think you should do, how do YOU think you and your DP should sort this out?

?

I think that the fact that you have talked about it, and how it's making you both feel, is actually quite positive. Better to be communicating, than avoiding the subject altogether.

Counseling can probably help you work out together what sort of relationship you both want ideally (clearly it isn't right at the minute) and then make plans for how to get there.

We are very good at communication in some ways and are very honest with each other. But when we start a battle, that's it! Any reasoning is out the window and we say and do very stupid things! For this reason we have also learnt to be very good at saying sorry!

How can I get free counseling for us? Any recommendation as to a good one? Went to mediation with my family a while ago, is it the same thing?

I used to give dh a huge amount of attitude. Then he would shout, not at me, just shout. Then I would cry and insist he apologise.

Then we would switch roles and so on (but no crying from dh, he sulked instead).

Took us a while to learn how to argue / disagree with each other properly. We eventually learnt to talk instead of score points or 'win.' It was hard for me to drop the acidic sarcasm and teenage eye rolling (I know, I know, I still do that one! )

The thing is, it's worth trying to get this sorted out because if you were to give up on this relationship, chances are you'd only repeat the pattern with other partners. The fact that this is fairly evenly balanced between you, that you both recognise it, and most importantly you are both able to say sorry, and mean it!, is hopeful for fixin'.

My experience with couple counselling was rather negative I'm afraid - the counsellor ended up shouting at us "Stop it! You're behaving like a pair of 5-year-olds!" So ours wasn't a whole lot like mediation, but at its best I believe it should be.

Relate is supposed to be good, and a lot of private or employee counsellors are trained by them, but they have a loooong waiting list. Best advice I can offer is grab your Yellow Pages/Google and shop around. It's important to find a counsellor you are both able to trust, so if one doesn't float your boat, try another. Not only are some better than others at certain problems, but some will have different styles that work better or worse for you.

Meanwhile practice disagreeing without rowing, and the best of luck to you both!

Nemofish, that is exactly, exactly what we do. How did you stop? We have tried many little things but they only work for a while.

We tried taking a deep breath before we talked to each other, which seemed to work the best, but we can't seem to keep it up

When this happens, step away, different room or whatever, for a little while. Then, when you are ready, reinforce that you love him but want to discuss things more calmly. It does take time and he needs to agree to this too, but if you love each other this cycle of destruction needs to stop. Good luck.

Patterns of behaviour can be really destructive- you have to really work hard to establish NEW patterns/approaches, otherwise you always end up reverting to the default setting you have built up over the years.

i really think you should sit and talk to your DP about this, what you both want, how you both feel you would like to move on etc.

Communication is key in a relationship.....my DP never wanted to sort anything out or discuss anything, I never knew how he felt, etc etc. He would rather leave than talk and be honest with me...

He has moved out and I have heartbroken children to deal with, it's not nice. x

Update... have ended it with him. Can't go on in this destructive cycle. He was really rude to me today and I just lost it completely as I am at the end of my tether. I broke the door, acted like a complete psycho woman. I am not proud of it at all.

I need some time by myself to learn to love myself again. If and when a man comes along, I will be ready then.

I didn't really mention a couple of things because at the time I wrote the post I wanted us to be together and kind of glossed over some bad things in my mind. But the way we speak to each other and some of the terrible things he says to me have just confirmed that we have taken it too far.

Life is too short for men like him. When I broke up with him I felt completely relieved. I have cried occasionally today but I feel I am doing the right thing.

We both still love each other, but sometimes love just isn't enough. We are incompatible and both are very bad at dealing with anger. The results of that are just soul-destroying and I can't go on with it anymore.

I am going to soldier on. No DC, thankfully.

I wish you the best, Chocolate.

ChynaDoll, your feeling of relief tells you you have done the right thing.

I think from what you've told us here that you have anger management issues, It's not normal to push your DP about, or hit doors so hard you break them.

It is lucky you don't have dp's yet. when you do, it will be your responsibility to teach them about healthy relationships, and how to deal with anger and frustrations, and communicate well.

Why not consider some counseling on your own to help you have better relationships in the future.

Good luck.

Hi Helicopter

I agree I have got anger management issues definitely. I have had counseling for it in the past, but it is a very very deepseated problem. I will get counseling again, definitely.

Thank you for your advice. I agree I couldn't bring children into this (although I was thinking about it a few months ago!! GOD WAS I CRAZY)

Feel terrible tonight. If anyone can give me any words to make me feel any better or a bit more confident about living without him, I would really really appreciate it.

ChynaDoll, you weren't happy. This feels awful, but it is an opportunity to make positive change. You are making yourself available for better experiences, rather than being stuck in an unhappy relationship.

You have been brave.

Do you have any friends you can meet up with or phone tonight? Don't try to handle it all by yourself.

Thanks Helicopter.

I've met 2 today and spoke to 2 others on the phone and explained and cried a bit but I still feel a bit dodgy. My 'best' friend is going over to her boyfriend's house tonight .

You know what, I'm going to phone one of the others I phoned earlier.

Just feel a bit out of it and strange to be honest. But he was calling me up calling me a 'stuck up bitch' which has confirmed that I have made the right decision, and has stopped making me feel confused!

Thank you so much for that, thesecondcoming, it sounds like you were in the same situation. That has made me feel much more hopeful to see you've gone on to something calmer! (I am the same re shouting and screaming)

Felt relieved yesterday, feel terrible today.

I spoke to him on the phone yesterday for over two hours.

I was very firm that it was over but we were just talking about why. I was crying the whole time, and I feel so sorry for him.

We both love each other SO much, but we just can't make it work we have tried so many times. He loves me so so much and doesn't understand why I won't keep trying for him.

I am thinking about him all today. I am hurting so much for him and to be honest I want to go to him so much. Just hug him, kiss him, be with him.

The only thing that stops me is the things he's said to me in the past (really not good things). But he has never said them to hurt me, only said them when he's angry.

It sounds like I am thinking of going back to him. I'm not. I'm just so so sad that we can't be together anymore.

I can't really express this to anyone in real life.

Stay strong. You have done the right thing. Just keep telling yourself you have go through the pain of this separation if you are ever going to find someone to have a happy relationship with in the future.

I hope your friends are being supportive.

Sounds like you have no respect for each other and don't know how to behave like adults.

Shouting at each other and pushing each other about - that is WRONG - if you were 5 you would be on the naughty step for inappropriate behaviour.

And what is this power struggle - can you not have a normal adult relationship - why does somepne have to have power??????

Really find someone who treats you like an adult and change to make sure that none of this pushing about business happens regardless of how they goad you - in a nutshell - GROW up and show your next partner some respect.

Madame you are completely right. Which is why, and if you had read the rest of the thread you would have seen, I have ended it with him.

I am pretty young as well, so I have some natural growing up to do still, and some enforced growing up that should have happened a long time ago! He is older than me, but quite immature in some ways.

Feel much better today. Thank you helicopter. My friends are being quite good, although I have heard a lot of 'you will be back with him in a week' and 'you shouldn't have broken up with him'