Is it controlling to insist...

[SantaCruise]

Is it controlling of DH to insist that i change my doctors and dentist to his?

I have been with my doctor for over 11 years. I like them. Have no complaints. DH has only been with his 5 years. Why should I change when I have no issues with the one I have?

He also wants to me to change dentist because mine is "crap" and his is so much better. He goes on and on about this one and when we're passing his dentist in the car he says stuff like "there goes your future dentist, look!"

When I told him yesterday that I have no intention of changing my doctors or dentist he went in a massive sulk saying I still act like I'm single and I'm always so unwilling to do anything different. I took this as to say "I'm so unwilling to do as I'm told"

So is he being controlling with this one or does he make sense?

(for those of you that have been following my threads, I am leaving him when I find somewhere to live, I do know he's an arse and I have been taking on what you've all been saying. all I'm doing now is trying to work out just WHAT is normal behaviour in a relationship for future reference as there is no way in hell I want to be ever be involved in one like this again).

btw I did say to him that if it bothered him that much (us having seperate dentist/doctors) he could always change his to mine. This was met with a firm "No"

There is more to this than just the changing of dentist, clearly he is feeling insecure about something. I would get to the bottom of it.

It's bizarre and unreasonable.

As to whether it's controlling - it depends on whether the rest of his behaviour is. As a one off, no just bizarre and unreasonable. As part of a wider pattern then yes it is.

Yes he's very controlling about other stuff too.

Yes that's very controlling. I haven't seen any of your other threads, but I remember my x telling me to get the train to my destination. I said, no, the bus is cheaper, it brings me closer to where I want to go and I want to see the route so that I can drive it myself. He just went on and on about how stupid it was to get the bus when it was two stops on the train. I shouldn't have bothered trying to justify my decision but I did.

He genuinely didn't seem to grasp that it was my decision. It was like I was a pet (a bold dog), or an employee.

OBviously I left him eventually! He would deny totally that he was controlling btw. He couldn't see it.

But your 'partner' pressurising you to change to his dentist and his doctor is classic controlling behaviour. You need your OWN doctor. Imagine, worst case scenario of course, but imagine you need to tell the doctor how miserable you are in the relationship.......................!??!?!

very, very weird. I have not read your other threads, but it sounds as though the doctor/dentist thing is the least of your worries.

It is totally bizarre to want you to have the same doctor because that is a 'couply' thing to do. I think it is indicative of a slightly warped mind.

Unfortunately, I fear you have been living with this for too long, as you are asking whether this is normal. It is clearly not. get out before you lose all track of your own reason.

What the difference does it make to him whether you go to the same dentist? I suppose if he has to (as opposed to "prefers to) drive you there and it's much further away/harder to park/nasty waiting rooms it would impact on him to a certain extent. It would then be perfectly reasonable to put these points to you as a factor to be weighed in your decision. A normal partner would however accept that the most important thing was that you saw a doctor and dentist that you were happy with.

Do carry on with the reality checks. So far he is still an arse.

Does he exhibit some other signs of not recognising that you are a separate human being?!

My x used to act as though I were greedy if I ever mentioned being hungry when he wasn't hungry. But if I were full/not hungry when he was ravenous then that annoyed him too for some reason. I had to eat with him. (whether I was hungry/full/sick).

The same for being tired, energetic. It was only ever reasonable, healthy or normal if it was on the same schedule as his own tiredness/bursts of energy. dykwim?

I don't think I completely saw this while I was with him. I felt constantly exasperated by him when I was with him but I didn't make the connection until I read something on a thread on MN., after I'd left him! It made sense. I couldn't be hungry if he wasn't hungry. Couldn't be tired if he wasn't tired.

Does that strike a chord at all??

Yes, that strikes ALOT of chords! I get called greedy too unless he's hungry as well. If he's hungry and I'm not, I get called a "wimp".

Yes. It is.

He's escalating his behaviour.

My ex switched his GP to mine when I got sick and started planning to leave. My GP started sharing my medical details with my ex and suggesting we went to counselling as my ex was finding things so hard. This was after I had disclosed some of the abuse I was experiencing from my ex.

I switched GP (to a part-time working Mum, best type of GP) who told me in no uncertain terms I had to leave. It matters because my ex tried to go down the road of whether I was able to look after DD because of my mental health.

You need clinicians on your side as they can provide useful evidence. I haven't read your other threads, but this alone would make me speak to your local police's domestic violence team.

Do not underestimate how sinister this is.

SC you must know this is the least of your problems.

You've been given some excellent advice on your other threads. Maybe you should follow it.

Queen, that's shocking! No way your GP should have been sharing information about you without your permission. I am fairly sure that it is a breach of the Data Protection Act (there are certain exemptions for medical situations I believe, though I strongly doubt this would be one of them). Did you put in a formal complaint?

XH also claimed to have been talking to the doctors about "my psychosis", but he was lying. Again.

Danger! Danger! You need to get out of this asap. Dont try to analyse it all now, best do that when you are safe.

Here are some places with rental properties available:
www.findaproperty.com/
www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent.html
www.primelocation.com/uk-property-to-rent/
And check with your uni/college, they may have good accomodation available short term.

It may be shocking but it also shows how plausible and manipulative such controlling partners can be. It also shows how poorly abuse is understood. My solicitor (who was recommended by Women's Aid) also felt the need to enquire about my mental health and colluded with my ex about putting the house on the market. We still haven't sold it.

I work for the NHS as a (senior) manager and know these GPs well. However I know it must have come up at a practice meeting because my original GP did come back and say he couldn't see both of us. Obviously it was me that had to change, but I had lost confidence in this GP by then.

In this small world, one of my best friends is in a book club with a psychiatrist who is his wife. This woman specialises in women's mental health and the impact of relationships and my friend said it had come up obliquely in book club conversation. Her book club is predominantly made up of female psychiatrists which is my idead of hell.

satacruise, this is controlling and weird. Thi sguy seems to spend 90% of his time doing weird stuff... does he ever do or say anything normal?

Why the hold up with leaving him by the way?

OK santacruise, I've just read your other threads.

My advice might now seem contrary but you need to keep yourself safe. You should not challenge or discuss this with your husband at all.

You need to speak to Women's Aid today and get a place for a refuge. I genuinely belive this is your only option. Let go of 'saving' this relationship or getting him to move out. You need to get into survival mode.

My ex did the sex thing for years as well - it destroys and damages you every time it happens. But I managed to put him off for months at a time, you are barely managing a couple of days. I would keep a diary, it will be very useful afterwards.

Get some cash out (£100-200 if you can) and hide it in your bag along with your mobile phone and basic ID for you and DCs. I'm unclear if you have DCs - how old and how many? You need to do this for them as much as yourself.

Keep posting, even if people keep shouting at you. I know I had.

It's horrid, being with someone like your H. You so completely lose sight of what's normal & expected, you can't even find the words to tell other people how your life is. End result: the people you turn to can't understand what's wrong, and keep giving you well-meant advice to put up & shut up, or say you're worrying too much. If they could be in your life for a couple of days, they'd soon see things differently.

A friend of mine says it's like being the only human on an alien planet! Until you have experienced an abusive relationship, you can't imagine what it's like because normal rules don't apply, do they? If a normal H made that bizarre suggestion, you'd just go "Nah, I'm sticking with mine" and that would be that. He's not normal, he's WEIRD and SCARY. His wiring is faulty.

I agree he's escalating and is dangerous. Please make real plans in secret to get out of there. Pack an escape bag, talk to Women's Aid and the CAB, get back in touch with your friends ... and let him think he's winning.

Good luck! Stay safe.

I have alittle anecdote about this. My first H kept going on at me to switch to his dentist, as did his mum (they used the same one). While it all seemed pointless to me, I thought it unimportant so I did switch. Their dentist was a rude, patronising bully who hurt me and told me I needed extensive work done. I went back to my old one. He said the additional work was unnecessary, and that the rude dentist had been reported several times for bad practice! Apparently he was known locally as "The Butcher."

Weird? Definitely!

By the way, is this the bloke who refuses to let you cook?