Not sure why I am posting this

[somebodysfool]

When I was at school there was a girl that was bit scruffy that some people took the piss out of. I wasn't from the richest family myself but was from a very loving and large family and was taught better than that.

My mum who worked 7 days a week and had 4 jobs was the most wonderful mum on the planet (apart from yours) and used to give said family school clothes for the girl and the like when passed on to us as she thought she needed them more than us.

I was never that close to the girl in question as she lived quite far from me. Anyway to cut a long story short I assumed at the time they were a poor family.

However one day on the way home from secondary school year 3 I think the girl in question was knocked down. I ran to my mum who knew where she lived and she told me to run to her mum.

When I knocked at the door a young child answered and i told the mum what happened. Two things surprised me the first her house was much nicer than mine and her mum was dressed very well as were the other children (2) in the house. The thing that shocked me the most was that her mum didn't seem bothered and as a 13 year old I had to drum home how serious it was home to her. In hindsight she couldn't have given a shit and even at that age with me crying I had to virtually beg her come with me.

Anyway this girl has been on facebook recently talking about how shit her family are but she mainly talks about her father. I really felt for her at the time and would like to offer my support now but don't know if she would remember the incident or if I should mention it. Apart from that and the fact she was neglected I don't know much about the family situation and would not like to inflame anything.

Are you close to her now at all? If not I would probably say something general, maybe in a private message/private chat just asking her how she is nowadays, if she brings the conversation topic to her family, you could mention that you remembered that incident and you always thought about her and hoped that she was okay, and tell her you hope she is happier now (or something)?

oh bless you for your kindness - sounds like she was the "outcast" in her family and your mum was lovely to help out. I hope the girl benefited from the clothes that were given for her.

Perhaps you could sned her a message just saying about the time she was knocked down and you went for her mum - maybe use that as an opener and see how she responds? I'm sure she would remember being knocked down, although might not remember your part in it.

I don't see how you could inflame anything tbh - just talk about school stuff, perhaps and see where it goes.

Maybe her mum was so battered by her dad that nothing registered at the time of the accident? Sometimes a woman who is battered can be very numb, emotionally, and can't deal with sudden events. Also, in a dv situation, one particular child can be treated very badly while the rest seem ok on the surface, wearing decent clothes, etc.

How is her tone on FB? Does she seem to be struggling with her memories? Does it all seem very raw for her? Is there any indication that she is a very needy person, or otoh that she is doing counselling, processing things with an even keel?

It would be normal to hesitate to get dragged into some role here that you might not want to, or might be unable to fulfill, or a relationship that might be more intense than you have the capacity to deal with, depending on how she is and how much she wants some affirmation, or support, or the opportunity to vent, etc. How are your boundaries, if you decide to make contact?

Your mum sounds so nice .

I agree with those who say keep it neutral if you make contact, wait and see how things develop.

I can understand those saying "be wary" - at the same time I think she'd appreciate that you did remember, you did know it was "wrong" and that you and your mum did try to help.

It would have helped me a lot to hear from people who knew it was wrong and were able to validate it - rather than struggle with my feelings of did I imagine it? Did I make it up? Was it really that bad?

good post math.

I think just offer a friendly message. Complement one of her photos. See how she responds. I wouldn't go in there all guns blazing with support. dykwim?

This is a slight tangent, but ........When I left a relationship in a hurry and had nothing, I realised that some people are more socially gifted at being charitable generous. I had people give me a bag of toys for the children and they still remember years later that they gave me a bag of toys and they feel good about themselves because of it. Which is fine, they were appreciated at the time. They helped me in my hour of need! Am I making sense here?! Other people popped a tesco card into my purse and made a joke or a lighthearted comment to play down their generosity and then literally never ever mentioned it or referred to it again. I wonder if they have forgotten it.

This girl's experience sounds awful though. She appeared neglected to the World whilst the rest of her family lived comfortably. That is awful. It's no wonder she's still marshalling her emotions.....

from my point of view i would talk to her, i went to school with a girl that i would love to meet again and just hug, she was a poor, smelly, scabby little thing who none of us really had much to do with, she got pregnant at 14 and disappeared, turned out the baby was her fathers, he was sent to prison, we never knew what happened to her or the baby poor kid, my heart hurts for her, i would love to be in your position and maybe try and help.

My God. How sad. Poor girl.

She seems to be ok on facebook has friends and socialises a lot which I am glad of but seems to have a bumpy time with men and is currently single. I may just send her a PM and say oh do you remember when you got knocked down. I never told her at the time her mum wasn't keen on coming so she doesn't know that and I wouldn't like to bring it up.

I just remember being horrified at her mums reaction and seeing her smart clean house and her looking so dolled up made me angry at the time. Before that I just assumed they were struggling financially. She was a lovely girl very quiet but seemed very sweet and always had a smile on her face.

I think a message sent in the right spirit can be a nice thing to do. There was a girl in my school who was a bit of agressive, although she didn't really zone in on anybody in particular, but I did stay away from her. Anyway, she was on facebook 20 years later saying how she regretted the way she behaved at school. She left at 17, but later went back to school and then college. I hadn't a pot to piss in at the time that everybody was reconnected on FB and she (privately) sent me a quote from some book about how achievement was nothing to do with what you owned. I can't remember it but it was a lovely thing to do.

Being single is not necessarily a bad thing. I am single and I see it as a positive thing. I'm content and no person has the power/potential to undermine that 'equilibrium'. I'm focusing on my own objectives and feeling independent.

Yes, better to be single than embroiled in a relationship that makes you unhappy or even harms you.

I would go ahead and be friendly in light of your last post -- no need to tell her anything about her mum's reaction, open a hornets' nest.. She may like to bring up stuff like that with you herself if things progress.

I'm with skihorse. One woman up the road intervened when my sister and I lived with my alcholic Mum who was never there. Very low key - oh we've cooked too much, can you help us eat some? Everyone knew, no-one ever did anything except her. 25 years later I still have immense respect for that woman and it was possibly the kindest thing anything ever did for me when I was growing up.

I think your mum may have known or guessed the true situation, and may have tried to keep up contact with the girl's mum, tried to show her that someone cared and was watching out for her.