parental influences

[swissrole]

It occurred to me that my friends who have had difficult relationships with their dads often have difficult relationships with their partners. Similarly, friends who have had absent mothers or have experienced negative vibes from their mums find it difficult to navigate friendship groups as adults.
Is it possible to learn how to rectify these damaging childhood relationships and form positive partnerships/friendships that are not sabotaged by past baggage? pray tell oh wise mums.

I don't think my relationship has been affected by past baggage its just messed with my head a bit. But then maybe my dh would say different. i don't know...ooh I wish I hadn't started thinking about it now.

Yes, I think it is very possible to not repeat the mistakes of the past, that doesn't mean to say that the past does not effect how you sometimes feel.

I grew up with an alcoholic father (he has recovered now but sadly is still with my toxic mother meaning I have no relationship with either of them any more)

I am married to a great man, who likes a beer every now and then but has none of my dad's traits.

Equally my mum is a nasty piece of work and although I have sometimes found myself about to snarl at my children the way she used to do to me I am very self aware and 99% of the time get a grip of myself before it happens.

I will never allow myself to parent my children the way I and my siblings were parented.

you can learn to deal with it usually by dealing with your childhood problems. It takes work and recognition of the problem though. Understanding and accepting th eproblem can be the hardest bit. It depends on the partner as well.

I have/had a horrible relationship with my parents but a good (ok it's had it's ups and downs) relationship with my dh since we were 17yo. Part of that was my determination not to repeat my parents relationship, part was the work dh put in and the fact he refused to give up on me and part was luck. Also that he understands why I am as I am and that I (try at least) to be open with him about it all.

A friendship that I sabotaged because of my upbringing came back on track after a few years because I realised what I had done wrong, and I have a very forgiving friend who understood why - partly because she knew me so well, partly because she is a very understanding person and partly because I explained why.

It can be done but it does take work and understanding on both sides.

It like everything else, first they have to realise that they have "a problem", then they have to want to fix it.

I think you can. I have/have had a very strained relationship with my Dad, but not so with DH. I think that's because I have actively sought someone who is nothing like my Dad though.

i have a wonderful relationship with my dad. He is a lovely man.
My H is an arsehole... how did that happen?!!