mother/daughter relationship.please help

[single1ds]

Hi
I just need a bit of perpective as i want to cryand am stressed. my husband left 1 year ago and i am single parent t 2.5 year old.i am finding it difficult, not so much the situation as such but the lack of support from my mother. my mum and dad divorced when i was around 14,my mum left.
my mums behaviour is this:
she is loud,in your face
she treats me like a child (I am 33)
she "tells me off " for buying things
she criticises me

i thinki am dealing with things so well,and others have commented, but not her. i am not doing well enough.

i have had a lovely dad with a friend today, she asked me to go around with ds and i have come away really hurt. she ignores if i have said i have had a lovely day,she looks away. she is "OVER THE TOP" with my son and i am left baffled and hurt.what am i doing wrong? i thought i would leave her to it. now i am at home on my own really hurt and my ds is with her. how the hell did that happen? i try to tell her how i feel and she says she "thinks she is having a heart attack!"

please please help me cope with this!

Tell her how you feel and go and get your son back.
Next time she says she is having a heart attack move to ring 999, see how quick she "recovers."

i know what you mean.i just feel like there are mind games going with her and i seriously cannot cope with it. i am beating myself up over it constantly. i am down as it is on the verge of going for a divorce and making that final decision. i just would have expected support and empathy instead it is about her.it always has been.she doesnt respect me at all and i just dont know why she is like this with me.

Would also go to her house and get your son back. He does not need her poor influence in his life.

You need to emotionally disengage from her and no play any part in her mind games.
I would seriously reconsider having any sort of relationship with her at all to be honest because she sounds both toxic and controlling.

Is your Dad around; if so what is he like?.
Do you have siblings - if so what is she like with them?.

Do you know anything at all about your mother's childhood; this is probably where it all started with her. Its no excuse for how she is behaving though. These toxic people only care about their own selves; they cannot and do not play by the "rules" governing "normal" family relationships. Your mother sounds highly damaged but you did not cause her to act this way; she has chosen to do so. If you want an apology well you can forget that because she will never apologise nor accept any responsibility for her actions.

You may also want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. Counselling too for your own self re your relationship with your Mother may be helpful.

You may also want to look at the daughters of narcissitic mothers website; she could well fit into that particular category.

she's like this with you because of the way she is and not cos of anything you have done.

She is deliberately faking heart attack so you stop ever criticising her.

The way to deal with her is to disengage completely. This doesn't mean you have t o cut her off if you don't want to but means learning techniques so her tricks and button pushing don't work on you.

Remember you've had 33 years of being taught to react like this, it takes determination to change. You also need to change your expectations so that you don't expect praise or indeed anything from her. THat is also hard.

Try having a look at toxic parents book by susan forward. There are a lot of tips and techniques in there on how to deal with someone like this.

And I agree with fab. Make your first step to go and collect your ds.

You are doing brilliantly and she should be proud of you. She might be jealous of how well you are doing and the fact that you don't need her.
Sounds like she is the one with problems not you.
Sounds like she is pointing out all your faults in order to make herself feel good about her own faults (my parents are experts at this), aka "Well I may have done this but you did this, so don't you come here and tell me off young lady, because you are soooo much more in the wrong than I am or ever will be!!"
I also recommend you read the Toxic Parents book. It did help me. And for the first time in 4 years I met with my parents, stood up for myself (they refused to listen again), never backed down, felt slightly shaken (I did have to make sure that son did not end up getting run over by cars at the same time), and never cried!! It can be done with practice and you will end up believing in yourself and realise that you don't actually need them (but it would be nice for the kids to have grandparents).
I would never leave my kids with my parents alone again though.

hi
just to say thanks to you all. i have clamed down a bit now.
i bought the toxic parents book ages ago and am also having councelling. the hard part to deal with is she is never consistant. when she is nice i can never "trust" that as the next day is can be totally different. i did go to pick up son and i told her again how i feel. i probably didnt go about it in the right way as i didnt think through it properly first. i just lost my rag a bit. then i felt releived.i will pick up that book again.thanks x