anyone awake?

[redpyjamas]

I don't want to offload if there is no one to comment.
Please?

I'm here

Sorry, that sounded a bit brief! I am here, should be for a while - might need to go for a bit if DS wakes up but won't be long. What's up?

yes still finishing the ironing

Ah, since starting the thread, I am now 'talking' (online) to the person in question. So no time to explainit now. Really sorry.
Might come back later.

OK I'm sure someone will still be here if you want to chat impartially. Hope everything is ok.

Ah, she's now gone offline (accidentally I hope). Might have to disappear again.

Trouble is, I have a friend. I get on well with her. Don't want to lose frienmdship. But she does things so differently with her children to the point that I am not comfortable them spending loads of time together. They meet up quite a lot and get on well, but I am not happy with them going there for sleepovers. I have my reasons. Bit long to go into.

Anyway, this makes things awkward. I am not one for confrontation or making people upset, and I know from previous conversations that we are just on totally different wavelengths so there is no point in 'having it out'.

But her ddd is literally ALWAYS asking for my dds to come for a sleepover. She is welcome to come here, not not vice versa. I feel really bad that it is so, but I absolutely don't want to tell her becauise it will surely start off another whole conversation which I don't want to enter into becayuse I don't want to either lie or upset her (and it is not possible to do neither).

Anyway, today, my dd told her dd that she is going for a sleepover at another friend's house tomorrow evening.

This evening, I got a really angry text from my friend's husband. He wants to know if I have 'got a problem' with tehm, and why I have lied etc. etc.

I am devastated. I don't know what to do about it. We have exchanged various texts.

I feel really guilty and trapped. All I wanted to do was maintain harmony and the friendship while not compromising what I feel is right for my dds.

Times like this it is crap being a single parent.

that sucks. i take it there is no way you could be open with your friend and explain your differences and what you have a problem with?

Ooh, that is a difficult one The friend's DH sounds a bit out of line though - threatening sounding texts are not on

how old are your kids?you could potentially have a life time of this ahead of you with making excuses. you aren't confrontational i know but you are standing up for your beliefs by your actions. isnt it worth trying to explain to your friend..if not how good a friend is she really?

no way, welsh. we see things from such different perspectives that it could only lead to upset.

The issues are things like: her children are permitted pretty anything they like. So, if they want to spend hours randomly googling on the internet, then they do. And I don't want mine to do that when at their house.

And they are allowed to watch films that I consider inappropriate. If I ever mention that my dds could come to play but I don't want them on the computer, she says something like, "but what if they want to?". I just think, "you just tell them they can't if they have chosen for friends to come to play", but that is a foreign concept to her.

So, I just prefer to have her dd here (she's actually a good friend) rather than mine going there. But they have now picked up on that due to my dd's comment about the other sleepover this evening.

It sounds like you've already tried to tackle her and explain you different parenting style. Cant you just site that as the reason for not allowing sleepovers. It's not as though you are critising her but just explaining that you have different rules. If she wants to know more you can explain them.I think it must be hard to juggle friendships with parents and your opinion of their parenting skills but everyone one of us is entitled to our opinion and approach. It is just a difference of opinion not the end of your friendship.

They are both important.

She is a really important friend to me. I find it really sad that we have these differences. But I won't compromise what I value for my dds.

Also, they will still see each other a lot. And I will still see my friend a lot, no matter how this turns out. They go to a great deal of things the same (eg. Brownies).

But it is true, I am constantly having to make excuses. But her dd is not one to give up easily, or take no for an answer (IYKWIM).

I was just so upset my the texts. So accusing. Do you all think that not mentioning something (to preserve feelings) is the same as lying? Or am I making excuses for myself?

I realise that now happyhil. I am just SO crap at any kind of confrontation, I literally do ANYTHING to avoid it.

But I think I am going to have to explain my concerns. She is a really nice friend. I know that she would not hold it against me, even if she does not understand.

Thanks for your replies. Any more thoughts welcome.

i still find it really bizarre that friends we have such a lot in common with sometimes have such widely different approaches to parenting. Good luck. I know you'll stand your ground but you're going to have to bite the bullet and eplain yourself now.

You are just going to have to tell her straight that you don't want your DD playing on the computer til all hours of the night and watching inappropriate films - it is ok for her to let her DD do that if she wishes, because she is the one who has to deal with the fallout; but where it is your DD, and you have to deal with the fallout, you really don't want to have to.

(DO NOT at any point mention the word "criticism", even if you mean that you are NOT criticising them - they will still take it that you are)

As you don't expect them to change the way they run their own house for the sake of your DD, then the easiest way round the issue is for your DD to have their DD round yours for sleepovers, but not reciprocate.

They might go away thinking you're a bit uptight but if you make weak excuses they are going to think a lot worse! Keep it neutral - don't be too apologetic about it because you shouldn't have to apologise for the way you are bringing up your DD, any more than they should have to - but make it clear that you are not going to give in on this because it is too important to you and the way you are raising your DD.

I don't think her DH should have got involved really - it's all got a bit heavy since he put his size 12s in (as it often does) and sounds a bit bullyish.

HTH and you resolve it

Thank you everyone.

I am now forced to have that conversation, so thanks for the advice on how to manage it thumbwitch.

Thanks for all your responses.