pregnant, scared relationship's over, don't think it is always my fault. Help.

[jebbieD]

Don't know where to start, don't know what to do. I'm 31 weeks pregnant with second baby. I have a 2 year-old who is amazing. His dad and I have been at loggerheads since he was born. We've been together ten years, but he didn't find being a dad very easy. He works away a lot and I ended up with PND. He just doesn't understand what that did to me and doesn't get it at all. He still refers to my "mentalness" and it gets the blame for everything. I am now in a position where I am working three days a week to basically pay for nursery. I have absolutely no cash of my own after that and bills, in fact I owe a lot and can't pay it. I have to ask for everything from petrol money to lunch money and have to ask nicely for cash to buy family birthday presents etc. It's so humiliating. Me and the wee one are well looked after but I have lost all of my independence. Recently, I have been hitting low moods. I'm still on citalopram and will be taken off shortly for the birth which i am worried about. I haven't been able to enjoy my pregnancy because of the guilt of taking it and the worry I can't cope when it's gone. Again, he doesn't understand this at all. The last few weeks I have been cripplingly tired, but again, he doesn't understand and gives little to no help around the house or with day-to-day things. I am being tested for gestational diabetes tomorrow and I find myself hoping something IS wrong with me so I can be justified a wee rest. How bad is that? I walked out last week after he was particularly ignorant and slept in the car. He says I can leave if I want but my son is going nowhere. So I am basically trapped. I can't afford to support us. I can't take any more of his bullying but I feel I can't be a single mum of two. I imagine going to hospital on my own and not telling him the baby is coming because I feel he doesn't care. I know he loves his son and he is a great dad when he is not being a selfish shit. He is terrible at talking about things. I can pour my heart out and he will sit and say absolutely nothing. I feel we need counselling or something because I want to know if all this is my fault, my overreacting and my "mentalness". He takes none of the blame and I am now at the point where I am sick of taking the blame. I am trying my best to be a good mum but my heart is breaking at the thought of being 38, with two kids and not being able to work because I can't afford childcare and living in a council hostel because I have nowhere to go. He doesn't make an effort with my family and hates my mum to the point where she is not allowed in the house if he is here and he won't let her babysit. Tonight he insulted my sister who came to visit me and has now walked out calling me scum for digging him up about it. It's a mess. What can I do? Is this fixable? I do love him but wonder this is beyond fixing. It is so upsetting to think this is what I've become. Sorry for long rant.

What's stopping you from taking your son and going to your mum, or your sister?

Ooh, that doesn't sound terribly fixable on this evidence. Nor does it sound as if it can be all, or even mostly, your fault. I do think counselling can probably help but start with some just for you, before you think about couple counselling. You need to know whether you're really "mental" or not before you are in a position to negotiate about the rest of your relationship! (I'm willing to bet you're not, but you need professional reassurance I guess.) Have you shared your concerns with your GP, about coping without citalopram? He/she can probably refer you to some initial counselling on the NHS, although the waiting lists tend to be very long.

Are you married, or if not do you own the house between you, or is everything in his name?

My sister is great but she doesn't have the room and she has enough on her plate without my woes. My mum doesn't have the room either. Just feel like disappearing with my son and hiding from everyone. I am so embarrassed it's come to this and I've made such a mess of things. Doc promising support as I come off antidepressants but not holding my breath as my "urgent" referral (when I crashed in January after GP whipped me off the tablets because I fell pregnant) took six months. Feel I have to cope with everything on my own because I just can't rely on other people. Sorry for moan. Guess I wanted to see what an objective person would make of my situation. In my heart I think it's over but the reality of what that means is going to be imposible to deal with. Thank you for feedback )

firstly, please don't feel embarrassed! You have done nothing wrong. In fact to the absolute contrary. You've kept it all together up until now, held down a job and raised a baby.

You're being let down, badly, by your dp. He's clearly got issues with your freedom, is seemingly trying to, at best, undermine your relationship with your family.

Is he like this with your friends too?

I have a feeling he's manipulative, an abuser. He's being shitty like this, cos he's got you where he wants you.

Sure life might be hard for a short period of time when you've left him, but it will get better.

It can hardly get much worse for you, can you?

he' a great dad when he's not being a selfish cunt.

I'm sure Harold Shipman was a great GP when he wasn't murdering his patients.

That's no excuse to stay with him, really.

Just leave. He is talking bollox with the crap about the child going nowhere. Take your child and go.

But you won't because you still believe that this twunt can be redeemed if only you could lavish enough love on him.

Good luck with that OP.

Oh, OP, this guy is clearly abusive.

He keeps his wage to himself, makes you pay for childcare and no doubt household expenses so that you're always broke, and then makes you "ask nicely" for petrol and lunch money?
He dismisses your concerns as "mentalness"?
He's actively trying to cut you off from your family - not letting your mother babysit or be in the house if he's there is absolutely fucking appalling.
I bet he won't look after his child so you can go out either, will he? So he's not just cutting you off from family, he's cutting you off from any help or assistance that gives you independence or freedom.
He calls you scum when you voice an opinion
He lets you sleep in the car, 31 weeks pregnant
He says he doesn't care if you leave but is threatening you with keeping the kids

Darling, the man is classically abusive. To be honest, I don't know why some of the above posters are talking about counselling. This is beyond counselling.

Has he ever hit you, OP? Or threaten you with violence? Does he demand sex when you've made it clear you're not in the mood?

And hildebrand - your partner is a violent abuser and your children are being exposed to violence. That is not a "sometimes horrid" OH, that is a vile and revolting man.

Tortoise, I can't disagree with you that on this evidence it sounds like classic abuse. I just felt the OP is starting from the position of feeling she is mad or deficient, and that she needs to get herself on an even keel to face this properly. She mentioned counselling in a couples context and I felt that steering her towards help for herself was the best first step. Hence my unusually cautious post. Over cautious perhaps!

Hildebrand's is even worse if possible. How can a £5 rise in the price of gas be your fault, come on! And being hit is never your fault. It's something that people just should not do to each other. He'd be arrested if he smacked some guy in the pub, and rightly so.

In both cases the father DOES NOT have legal authority to tell you to leave without your children.

OP, please take this Women's Aid Quiz. You certainly sound like you're in an abusive relationship to me, and I think you should call Women's Aid for more help and support. To me, the clearest indications of abuse were the way he talks to you (calling you scum is beyond the pale), the witholding of money and the isolating you from family. All these are classic abusive relationship signs.

I'm sure you don't want to deal with any other problems right now, but I feel that your depression cannot be helped by being in a relationship with an abuser like this.

Call Women's Aid and see if they can offer you assistance to leave before the baby is born, I guarantee you he will get worse after the next one arrives. You and your children deserve better than to live with an abuser.

Jebbie - I've been on citalopram 3 times during pregnancy (and experienced ante-natal depression when well meaning gp suggested I stop). My psychiatrist (in maternity hospital) recommended I reduce dose to 10mg 4-6 weeks before birth and increase up again immediately afterwards (that was with breastfeeding too). Please talk again about your medication.
Re. your partner - I'm afraid I think this is a hopeless case, unless he accepts he is responsible for much of the problems, and I think he is very far away from doing this.
You are probably aware that many many cases of PND are associated with an unsupportive partner. He is simply not a good dad if he is unsupportive of the mother of his children.

You need to find support to help you get out of this situation, you know you will be very vunerable after the birth.
Please accept this situation (H) as being unresolvable and get in touch with people that can help you.

Thank you for messages. I guess I knew all this but didn't want to admit it. Proof in the pudding is this morning when he told me he is putting my car up for sale (this means I will have to resign from my job as I need it to get there, won't be able to get baby to nursery, etc.) He has listed everything he has paid for over last two years, and the crappy contribution I have made and has told me if he is a bully (he seems to be upset I called him this last night) then he will start behaving like one. He now wants half the household bills which he knows I just can't do. He says he will sell the house and move down to England which is where he goes when he works away. I guess that homeless hostel is getting closer.... Thinking of going into Womens Aid this morning to see what they have to say. I am so embarrassed this is what I have become. I will have nothing to show for my life and a ten-year relationship. I resent that he can walk away and get himself a cushy wee life while I am stuck with the wee ones and no job and no prospect of being able to give them everything they deserve. Life is shit, isn't it?

He cannot sell your car if it belongs to you, you understand that, right? He can't make you give him any money, and I would strongly suggest you stop starting now.

If you are married, go get a solicitor and start planning to leave. If not (and I'm guessing not) then you can sic CSA on him for child support and he'll be obliged to pay an amount to support your kids.

Raising children is not cheap and as their father he has a responsibility to pay for your DS and the next one. He's not doing you a favour by paying for them, it's his duty. Don't let him tell you otherwise.

Are you receiving all the benefits you're entitled to? The link takes you to a website that will tell you what you're eligible for. I wouldn't be surprised if you'd be in a much better financial situation separated from your economically abusive partner.

DH and I were made homeless when DD was 18 months, and it was no picnic, but our local authority put us up in temp accommodation and then within a week we were moved to our more permamnent home of 3 years now. It's small but in a great area, so we're happy with it for now. I suggest you get the wheels in motion now so you have everything as settled as possible before the baby arrives. This is where Women's Aid will really be able to help you too.

Oh, and please don't be embarrassed. The shame is all his. And you have plenty to show for your relationship- (almost) two kids! It's no mean feat considering you've been so depressed and struggling to get by on very little money no thanks to him.

I would also suggest you look into finding a post-natal depression support group in your area, just in case. Talk to your midwife about how you're feeling, ask for more help. She might be able to refer you on to a psychologist, it sounds like you could do with some extra support right now.

Also, please reach out to your family, tell them everything. There's no shame in asking for help when you need it, and it sounds to me like you have struggled on through some really hard times alone. It's time to reach out now.

I'd be tempted to say, let him try to sell the car (if it belongs to you) and then get arrested for theft and deception - because it;s your property and he can't sell it without your permission.
Honestly, the minute you have got rid of this tosspot you will stop needing the ADs. Abusive men are the cause of a lot of depression.
Do call women's aid as detailed above. He can;t take your DC off you or force you out of your home - or sell your belongings. He;s a scumbag. You can get free of him. Best of luck.

Jebbie D, have you spoke to womans aid? Find out where your local domestic abuse team is and contact them, they will be able to talk to your local housing and try to get you help.
As dizietsma says he can't sell your car... if he does you could report it stolen no?
Try and get together your important documents...passports, birth certificates, bank cards, car reg docs etc take them to your mums or sisters.
But most of all try and get some support... have you thought about speaking to your MW?

Jebbie, I hope you've had a chance to speak to Women's Aid now. You can't live like this. He's going to cut off your only income stream and demand that you pay half the household bills at the same time? That's ludicrous, clearly.

Your only chance is to leve, I'm afraid, and start concentrating on you and your children. He clearly cares nothing for their well being if he can treat their mother like this.

and I agree with dizietsma, please do talk to your family. I imagine they'll be incredibly relieved to hear that you're thinking in this direction now. They've been worried about you for a long time.