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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Transgender husband - help!

41 replies

changesafoot · 24/06/2010 22:06

Hi, I would really welcome some advice if anyone else has experienced something similar. Dh and I have been married for 21 years. We have 2 teenage daughters. We've had our ups and downs and there have been times when I've considered separation but have worked hard at making things OK.

Last week, DH announced that he is transgender and believes he should be a woman. He wants to live as a woman. He has now seen the GP about treatment and a referral to a gender clinic.

As you might imagine, I was utterly taken aback. I have responded very calmly and essentially told him that I will support him but as a friend. I do not feel I can be his wife anymore and want him to move out. He's agreed to do this, although probably not for a couple of months due to various committments etc.

Initially I was very calm but over the last few days, the enormity of it all has begun to hit home and I'm feeling pretty shaken up. We haven't told the children yet (want to wait until there is definite stuff to tell them). I've told a couple of very close friends as I know I'll need support, but haven't told any family or wider friends etc.

Just would welcome any words of wisdom from anyone else who has found themselves in this situation. Thanks.

OP posts:

Seabright · 24/06/2010 22:40

I don't hae experience, but didn't want you to go unanswered.

You must be in shock, if you had no incling at all about this. I would suggest you see the GP too, maybe with him, to get more knowledge about what's happening now, what will happen in the future etc. Knowledge is power.

LittleMissHissyFit · 24/06/2010 22:53

oh my goodness, what a shock for you, you must be utterly broadsided, i can't help with any similar experience, but just wanted you to know that i'm sorry you are having to go through this, and to wish you strength and love.

Portofino · 24/06/2010 23:03

I would say you definitely need some kind of family therapy. This must be hard enough for you too cope with but your dd's will find this hard too!

ThePlanningCommittee · 24/06/2010 23:16

Hi changesafoot, there is life after GRS honest. Not speaking from personal experience, but there are plenty of blogs on Livejournal which show that love persists and that an understanding can be fostered. Lots of couples who remain married/civil partnered. Key thing is to try and talk I think.

IsGraceAvailable · 25/06/2010 00:37

Gosh, I read an interesting article about this the other day. If I remember where it was, I'll post a link. The gist of it was that you need to decide whether you want to continue as partners, as friends or not at all - obviously it's going to take you more than 5 minutes to find out how you feel about it - and, I hope equally obviously, you'll be at liberty to change your mind as this complicated process develops.

What a blow for you! For all the things we consider when worrying about our partner and relationship, this one rarely comes to mind. You have my heartfelt good wishes - do consider counselling if it all seems to be getting a bit much (not unlikely, I should think). Your H will have to be counselled as part of his transformation process, and I'm sure specialist counselling will also be made available to you.

IsGraceAvailable · 25/06/2010 00:41

There are useful sections for partners on the Beaumont Society website.

PortiaNovmerriment · 25/06/2010 01:25

Good luck- I am sure this has been a great shock. Were there any signs at all? I second the suggestion that you get counselling for yourself to help you through this.

SolidGoldBrass · 25/06/2010 01:30

This must be a dreadful shock for you, and while I hope you will be able to feel more compassion than anger for your H (to have gender dysphoria is very, very distressing), don't forget that you matter and your feelings matter as well.
You might find this site helpful as it appears to be specifically for people in your situation. You might find it beneficial to be able to air your feelings with people who have been there and understand, as not everyone in the general world will be understanding.
Best of luck. You are not alone, and this is nobody's fault.

lazarusb · 25/06/2010 13:16

Hi, my dad is transgender but my parents split well before it happened, so you have my support here as an adult child rather than a partner. Hope it helps anyway.
While I had suspicions about my dad before he told me it was still a huge shock to comprehend the emotional impact. It was also difficult when I first saw him as a woman (pre-surgery).
I felt very tearful even though I supported him fully. I know that he is a much happier, more fulfilled person now (post-surgery).
You are entitled to feel everything you are feeling, I am amazed at your reaction to his news, you should be proud of that, but while you are being so understanding towards him he must also be ready to understand and support you. Unless you are happy to have a romantic relationship with a female it would be difficult to maintain the relationship you have now.
Get some counselling for yourself, you need to work through this too. Remember, he is still the same person you fell for, that hasn't changed. Hope that helps x

Original poster

changesafoot · 25/06/2010 23:28

Thank you for all your replies and good wishes. I'm feeling calmer today. I do feel enormously sad for DH - this has obviously had a huge impact on his life and, whilst I had no idea, it does explain, in hindsight, some of how hes been over the last few years especially.
I'm sure I will cope and deal with it but am very concerned about the DDs. But we are strong as a family so we'll get through!
Off to have a look at the website.
Thank you all

OP posts:

TiggyD · 26/06/2010 14:38

I second the Transpartners site that Solidgoldbrass has put the link in for. I know two of the people who set it up and would recommend them for any kind of sensible advice about anything. There is lots of support out there.

sburnscoe · 04/04/2017 16:02

You seem like a sweet person so what would you do if it was one of your children? Is it different just because you can't divorce them? I am a 60 year old crossdresser and have been dressing or wanting to dress for as long as I can remember. I came out to my wife about 5 years ago and she has been extra wonderful about it. We have 3 kids 2 of which are grown and we didn't share it with them. The desire to dress comes from somewhere down deep inside but he isn't doing it to hurt you. If your husband is a good spouse otherwise you should think hard about throwing away your relationship.

MissTakesOurMaid · 04/04/2017 16:03

this is a zombie !!!

noego · 04/04/2017 17:19

Try calling the LGBT helpline and see if they offer any practical advice for you.

Msqueen33 · 04/04/2017 17:38

I've just noticed it's a zombie thread. Wow seven years old! I wonder how OP is and how her partner is.

MeMyself1 · 04/04/2017 19:01

Yes, I wonder how changesafoot is now - and her children ... hope you are OK?
For what it's worth (a bit late!) when I was in this situation I told a close friend of me and my then husband, I was in the 'keep calm' phase and she looked me in the eye and said "You're not ANGRY enough!" This unleashed all my concerns, fears and anguish - the relationship had been 'difficult' and my concern was for our children (the eldest was weeks away from 'A' levels) and wanting to 'keep the lid on' ... but, oh no, it had to all be about his feelings and desires ..... he wasn't reasonable at all (as your DH seems to have been). For me (at the time - 1999) I had lost my partner, the love of my life, the father of my child .... and I felt it would have been easier to get support if he'd 'gone off' with someone else - but he'd gone off with his 'alter ego'. I guess you realise by now that most middle-aged 'transitioners' are actually autogynophiles?!
I do hope it has all gone well for you all xxx

Annahibiscuits · 04/04/2017 21:13

That is Hyacinth Bucket!!

hoddtastic · 04/04/2017 23:05

so brave, so beautiful, you go sister.

Nelope · 05/04/2017 00:57

memyself1 - yes i wonder too how she is getting along and what has happened since... a lot of us 'trans widows' would be interested to know how the situation panned out and how the daughters have coped with this betrayal and insult to them and their Mother. What's the bet his daughter's puberty and his wifes approaching menopause triggered him?

Italiangreyhound · 05/04/2017 03:50

I wonder how the OP is and how her daughters are too.

I do hope all is well with them. It must have been a big shock.

CaoNiMartacus · 05/04/2017 07:27

Hoddtastic, why is it brave? (I presume you're talking about Sburns)

Brave to wear women's clothes? Are women brave to wear women's clothes?

hoddtastic · 05/04/2017 09:59

i think she looks amazing hun, you're probably jealous - her legs are better than mine lol!

LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 05/04/2017 10:02

Wow, your legs must be really really raddled if his are better. Hun.

IllBeBackMaybe · 05/04/2017 11:22

I'm guessing Hodd is joking... I hope so anyway.

MisDescamisados · 05/04/2017 11:47

Hey Bisuits .....just remember that's pronounced "BooKay" , "BooKaaaayyyy"

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