a lie is a lie is a lie OR some lies are ok?

[booyhoo]

i am talking about within families.

do you think some lies are ok? or do you take th mine that lying in any shape or form is wrong and unacceptable?

Lying to prevent someone being upset or worried is ok imo.

I never tell my mum anything unpleasant as she could worry for England. She only found out I had cancer because my sister blurted it.

Other lying - no. Honesty is the best policy.

what about lies in a relationship (marriage, partners,lovers)?

Lying between spouses and partners strictly a nono in my book except for ones such as DoesMyBumLookBigInThis. Actually no, come to think of it I strongly believe in truth between partners. Lies undermine respect.

Does my bum look big in this?

'Thank you for the lovely meal' (a rather burnt roast dinner)

You look gorgeous (sweating, greasy haired, no makeup, few if any clothes, having just given birth)

It needs a context some lies are almost essential.

Polite social lying is ok - and pretty much required really. But not the other kind, where you are covering up important things, as that will undermine any relationship over time.

In a relationship? Ask yourself how you would feel if you were lied to..sometimes the most innocuous fibs can blow up to something else.

i believe a lie is a lie regardles of how small and dont tolerate any between me and OH. however OH believes that little lies that have no real consequence are harmless. the way i see it, is if someone is able to lie over little things then lying over bigger things isnt a very big leap and who gets to decides what is a small and what is a big lie. also, if it is of no consequence, why bother lying in the first place. OH things i am a bit too rigid on this.

Tact is good ("does my bum...") Outright lying surely shouldn't be necessary in a healthy relationship. I wouldn't lie to the children either, though obviously some things have to be, shall we say, glossed over, depending on the age and sensitivity of the child. They get enough of a shock the day they realise their parents don't know everything. It would be hard on them indeed if they were to find out their parents had often lied through their teeth as well. No, I didn't tell them Santa Claus really comes down the chimney! Someone else did that, at school probably, and I had to do a lot of reassuring DS1 who was quite alarmed at the thought of a strange man breaking into our house while we were asleep. (DS3 insisted on believing Santa was literally true until he was about 8. I was a little worried about him.)

I can think of two occasions in her whole life when I know my mother was less than honest: one was a weeny white lie about the ingredients in dinner, the other was a huge great cover-up about her terminal illness. Even then I could tell because she was clearly uncomfortable with what she was saying. People trusted her and they were right to do so. She would never tell an untruth that hurt or damaged anyone else. On the other hand she wouldn't tell a truth that would hurt or damage anyone else either. I used to get family and friends lecturing me on how lovely my mother was; er thank you, I had noticed! (And one uncle who told me she was a lousy housekeeper. That said a lot more about him than it did about her tbh.)

My father, on the other hand, always sounded honest but sometimes he just made it up as he went along. More often he'd avoid uncomfortable truth-telling with a joke though. He was very much The Man Of The House (more of this on another day and another thread, probably) but he wouldn't want my mother to catch him lying - some things were zero tolerance.

XH wouldn't know the truth if it bit him. He would often accuse me of lying, I suspect to annoy me because he knew I value honesty very highly, but it could have just been paranoia and/or projection. No. 6,395 in a series of "why he is XH"!

the reason i am asking is because during a converstaion last night i asked Oh a question. his response was a lie that just roled off his tongue, didn't cost him a thought. it was a really little silly thing to lie about. the truth wouldn't have found him a row. it was just that his first response was to lie rather than think for a split second and give the truth. i pulled him up on it and we got into the above conversation. his dad is a habitual liar. i have seen him in action and it really astounds me that he thinks people believe him. he has a gambling addiction and lies constantly to his wife about money he has lost. OH grew up with it and was often brought into the lies as a child when his dad needed cover. i felt i needed to make my point last night about how i feel about lies and that my poliy is zero tolerance within our household. he feels i am a bit OTT. that is why i wanted MN opinion.

I think it entirely depends who is supposed to benefit from the lie.

If you are telling a lie for someone else's benefit - say to save their feelings "no, they don't hate you..., that dinner was lovely" type lies then that is fine.

But if you are lying for your own benefit, such as to show off, put someone else down then those sorts of lies are not okay imo.

I think the motivation behind the lie is more important than the actual lie (which I find can also be a very blurry concept - was it a lie, or not quite the whole truth, or deliberate misleading position... and so on...)

the thing that he lied about last night though, no-one would have been hurt or benefitted from it. i certainly wouldn't have flipped out and didn't when i caught him on the lie. he was unable to explain why a lie was his first response and that worried me. i know how easy his dad can lie i just dont want OH to think that this is normal or ok. when i caught him on it last night i just felt that it was a good oportunity to make it clear that i find ANY lies unnacceptable. i also made it clear that i would much prefer him to break my heart with the truth than to build a life on a lie. he did admit that he could see my point after we talked and he has agreed that no lies are acceptable within our household because he knows how important it is to me. that isn't to say he agrees with me on it though.

I totally agree with you booyhoo that a lie is a lie and a lie is wrong. Otherwise where do you draw the line. I also find any lies unacceptable, and live my life true and honest. Completely unacceptable between partners, otherwise how can you ever trust them? (And that is no basis for a healthy relationship).