who would you believe?

[jetcat]

brief family history

out of the many offspring the birth parents managed to create - mostly with other partners, there are 4 who have always been told they are full siblings - a one year gap between each

DD1
DD2
DS1
DS2 (although the darling part of DS may not come into it, as they were all put into care pretty much as soon as we were born).

So, DD1 and DD1 look very similar, with DD2 and DS2 looking alike (exact same colouring and facial features).

Out of the 4, birth father's name is on all the birth certificates apart from DD2. But, over the years, SS have always reasurred DD2 that they do in fact share the same father, as she is so similar to DS2. This is important, as only DD1 and DD2 managed to be placed together in care.

in absence of DNA testing, I don't see that the children have much choice other than to assume that what they have been told previously is correct. particularly as DD2 isn't interested in any sort of family reunion. birth father's word could be deliberately false, accidentally false, or true - impossible to unpick without going down the DNA route.

ps - enough of the - implied self-criticism is bad for the soul!

btw as you know my family background is not entirely straightforward, but I am a great believer that it is OK not take any action to trace family and to let loose ends remain loose, if the alternative is possible hurt to oneself.Obviously the fact that the DD1 is digging around for info makes things less straightforward, but DD2 can still try to stay uninvolved.

So, you're DD2 are you?

Apart from the birth certificate thing, there doesn't seem any reason to doubt the relationship. Quite possible that mother and father had a bit of a tiff around her (your?) birth and she left him off the birth certificate, or he refused to be put on it, for revenge - you give the impression that these were not the most mature or responsible individuals! He may have wrongly doubted the paternity of that one, with or without evidence. Or he's just a dozy old so-and-so who gets his own children mixed up. With that many, some of whom he hasn't been in touch with for decades, it wouldn't be entirely surprising.

Poor DD1, sounds like it's far too late for her to discover that perfect family in her past; if it didn't exist then it can't be remade. The only perfect family she can have now is one she makes for herself, with husband and children if any, siblings and/or good friends. If it's any consolation, families come in all shapes and sizes and are very rarely both conventional and perfect. Some of the craziest set-ups work fine and some of the most Janet and John style ones are thoroughly miserable.

thanks TC - yup, i am very happy for loose ends to remail loose

thanks Annie, yes i am DD2.

There are other half siblings in this family who have been told their father is one person, when in fact the rest of the family know that it is someone else, so it wouldnt be completely out of the blue IYSWIM.

From what i was told from SS as i was growing up (no contact with either birth parent from the age of 4) - both parents were in and out of borstal - and they (SS) couldnt keep up with who was seeing whom, and it all got very confusing!

Jet - I agree with Total. Let sleeping dogs lie.

If you are happy with your life the way things are then why risk potentially stirring up a whole load of negative feelings/dramas/uncovering lies that neither DD1 or you want?

I'd let DD1 get on with it..... just enjoy who you are and your own families.

FWIW, of my four DC, DC's 1 & 2 have one father, DC's 3 & 4 have another.

DC 1 & 3 look very very alike despite having different fathers and DC 2 & 4 look very very alike despite having different fathers. DC 1 & 3 look quite different to DC 2 & 4

I don't know what the answer could be for you, aside from DNA tests but don't allow physical resemblances to cast doubt.I hope that you find the answers you need soon.

As i have no intention ever of getting in touch with any of my birth family, i am more so curious than upset i think. I did actually explain to my sister that i didnt want to know any of the details, but she tells me them anyway

Eco - thanks for that

Must confess I am not sure what to do.

DD1 seems to need something out of this but should realise that it can not be at the cost of your peace of mind.

It seems to me to a certain extent that you have a perfect family. Two gorgeous DD's with a fabulous Mummy and perhaps you could come up with a mantra to get through to your DS that you are content with your situation and do not wish to keep visiting the past.

Mittz, believe me, i have tried. But, she is so the opposite of me (in that she is loud, stubborn and will not accept any way other than her own) that i struggle to make myself heard with her.

I have explained to her time and time again that while i am happy for her, if thats what she wants - but to be very careful - but please leave me out of it all, she just wont have it

At this rate, i can really see her ending up with this huge big new family but having no sister (ie. me). And the way i feel right now, maybe thats no bad thing!

saf - we have no idea where DS2 is - last i heard he was in prison somewhere. I have actually only physically seen him 4 times, and the last one was when i was 17 (20 years ago)
He has had a shit life though, so i really feel for him

As for passing the info on to me, no she didnt handle it well at all. She is pissed off with me, so i think it was said more in anger than anything else.

I think you're right in the need to keep my distance for now - good job i have cancelled our visit in August, as i can just imagine how that would have went

THanks for letting me mull things over guys, it stops it from going round and round in my head and me coming up with a whole different scenario

Jet, you need to be selfish.
If you really don't want contact with your Father then what is the point in finding out whether he is "blood" or not.
Your sister may be searching for some perfect family, and I do feel for her but you have a wonderful family and have explained you have no desire to reunite with your family.

I totally agree with Mittz and those that say you be strong, do what you want to do and put your family unit first.

Must be bloody hard for you, though.

thanks Lizzy, it is hard, as apart from my DDs and ex foster parents, my entire family consists of my sister and her children. I kind of feel like if i am not careful, i am going to lose what little family i have.

But, in actual fact, when i have been sitting thinking about that today, i havent been as as i thought i would be. Just deleting her off facebook (to avoid constant messages from birth family) feels like a weight has been lifted.

Dont get me wrong, i really have no wish of finding out who is right/ who is wrong etc. I always knew my birth family were a right miss match, and most were/are not worth knowing - its just got me wondering thats all

Oh jet, I agree with Lizzy about being selfish. You need to do what is best for you and your little family. If your sister wants to search for something that may or may not be there, then let her. x

I have no words of advice really- it sounds so horribly difficult. I suppose I would reduce contact with your sister while she is going through her quest, as it is obviously hurting you. Maybe you will feel stronger in twelve months or a couple of years to pick it up again and be more assertive around her? Then again, it sounds like she is not really the listening type.

Sometimes the best family is the one you make for yourself too- try to keep yourself surrounded with loving friends and the people in your family now who are most important to you.