Should I tell her that her husband is cheating

[without]

Someone I know has been seeing a married man - wasn't much in the way of sex I understand mostly friends with kissing and touching (but she's not the first, and he's had a full scale affair before and admitted it to his wife!). His wife doesn't know about 'the friend' and they've been friends for several years now and work for the same organisation, and I know there are rumours going round.

I don't know the wife at all but am wondering if I should somehow let her know.
My ex-husband cheated on me for years and I was really cross people knew and didn't tell me, as I felt so disempowered when I found out, but is it the right thing to do, and how would I do it?

I would want to be told too and would probably find a way to tell this woman. But plenty of people will tell you to keep out of it.

Simply, no. Wrote a long explanation why but the computer ate it.

You aren't close enough to the situation to have the facts, plus you don't know the woman involved. Stay well out of it.

I have been on the receiving end of this, but it was incredibly well handled by someone closely involved. I would have hated for it to have been any other way. You can't just drop a bombshell on this poor woman and then run away!

I don't see how you could tell the wife if you are a stranger to her and what ever you do, DON'T send an anonymous letter as that will be a horribly distressing and shocking way to find out and gives the recipient no closure, or way of asking questions of the sender.

That said, she has a right to know. Do you know anyone who is friends with her? Can you speak to him - you seem to know a lot about his past?

If you do communicate with the wife, be honest about who you are and why you are doing it. Tell her that it is entirely up to her what she does with the information and that you will be telling no-one that you have informed her. Then it is up to her - and she needs not to be worried that more than one person knows she has this information and might be making judgements if she does nothing about it.

IME, strangers and even friends in these situations rarely have the moral courage to own their disclosures and cannot keep it to themselves, which just adds to a betrayed woman's pain.

So think it through and own what ever you decide.

what do you actually know ? you are nopt close to this woman, or her husband. are yoyu sure of your facts. have you seen this husband actaully with the OW ?

i would want to be told.
but what have you actually got to tell ? more rumours ? rather than actual concrete evidence ?

Dont get involved.

It will all end in tears.

What WWIFN said.

Think about your reasons for telling.

I considered telling the wife of the man I had an emotional affair with (an ex) and had to stop my DH telling her.

I actually know both parties although not terribly well, and my suspisions have been reinforced by their behaviour - I have seen them together a fair few times; he has briefly put his hand on her back more than once in a semi-public place at work, and they are far more pally than 'just friends' should be.

There are a few rumours at their work that mean this is more than just idle gossip - people are putting 2 & 2 together; they often have coffee together at work, they've been seen at the cinema, having lunch outside work, in London on a work thing when really there was no need for her to be there.

It's so tough as I feel for his wife as she clearly has no idea this is going on behind her back.

Is it better to tell and potentially cause all sorts of problems (after all if it is nothing then he should be able to defend himself quite easily), or is it better to let her live on in ignorance, and continue to be lied to, and living a lie?

I agree with telling but you need much more than rumours.

One of my closest friends came to me having heard rumours about my (now) X and I didn't believe her. It didn't affect our friendship adversely, I appreciated her honesty and she supported me beyond her disclosure and then on through me finding out for sure that she had been right.

from your last post, i am still not sure that there's anything to tell.

But you don't know that they are having an affair and you don't know that the wife "clearly has no idea", although I'd guess you were right.

If you know both parties, can you talk to them about it, mentioning that there are rumours that could be extremely hurtful and damaging, both to them and their partners? People in the grip of an affair delude themselves all the time that no-one knows and are shocked when it turns out that people have been gossiping about it for ages.

Yes, it might make their behaviour go underground if you confront, but I think it's all you can do in the circumstances and at least you will have made a stand for fidelity and sent a shot across the bows that their behaviour is frowned upon.

If this man really has been forgiven for a previous affair, he might be so frightened about his wife finding out rumours of another one, it might make him pull back and stop, because she'd be mad to forgive a second infidelity.

It sounds to me as if you could trying to "re-write history" a little bit here. I mean that as kind heartedly as possible, really I do.

You cannot let your own history dictate what you should do when it comes to another couple. You have no way of knowing what the wider reaching ramifications of this could be. Truthfully, there are many instances where it could push somebody over the edge. The poor wife could already know and in a worst case scenario your revelation could tip her over the edge (I am talking along the lines of mental stability here, not ridiculous Lorena Bobbit type scenarios - specifically I am think about the potential of children being involved and the impact on them).

Bottom line is, that you are not a family member. You are not a good friend.

It is not your place to interfere, especially when you don't know what that meddling might result in.

Take care with this decision.

Invite him and his wife for dinner, with a posted written card invitation.

They'll say no if you don't know them well, but it will send him a clear message that you do not support his relationship with your friend and you see him in terms of his married status.

If they say yes, it might be very nice!