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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Really struggling to get over end of relationship

6 replies

Antalya1 · 23/06/2010 18:01

Hi,
I hope that there is some really good advice out there. I'm a mum of 2 lovely teenage boys, and until 7 weeks ago was in a long term relationship with someone that I loved very very deeply. To give a little bit of background, it was a yo-yo relationship, but that stopped when he moved in with me, 7 months back. But over the last months, we had had more arguments, I felt that I was bottom of his list of priorties, after everything else in hs life and I longed for his attention. I paid all the bills, he was saving to renovate a house, and so he felt that I had to pay the bills for the moment, and when his house was ready in a few years, that my money would be my own. I have a fairly good job but do struggle for money, and it's not the money so much as the lack of care that it displayed for me. Anyway after a week away with his friends, he came back, I tried to talk with him about issues -mainly that he was selfish with his time, and that we really needed to work at things -he told me that he loved me. The next day after a planned stay at his mum's he didn't turn up, and when I rang, he finished this 4 year relationship over the phone and came later to pick up his things, very cold and told me that I deserved better and he couldn't give me what needed. Since then nothing, no contact. This time around, I havn't contacted him at all (cancer man - supposedly retreats into their shell) I know in my head that it's over and I'll never hear from him again, and as pathetic as it is for a full grown woman I'm absolutly heartbroken, on anti-depressents for 3 weeks, can't eat sleep or even function, he fills every waking thought, and after 7 weeks, it's getting worse not better, my heart literally feels as though it's breaking. I'm told that I will get over this, and I do really want to and feel some peace in my life again, but how?? A massive part of me thinks that this is all a really bad dream and that he will call and apologise - but that's not going to happen. I can't move on - what do I do - I'm desperate, I feel such a massive failure, and my self-esteem is at an all time low. Sorry sorry that this is so long.

OP posts:
ChocolatePants · 23/06/2010 18:08

It's not a long time.

I grieved like you for over 3 months at the end of my marriage, and it wasn't at my instigation either.

I have had awful panic attacks for the last 7 months- he was still living in our family home until recently, and those months were awful, so I see where you are coming from emotionally.

I felt like it was SO overwhelming, it took ages to get my head around it.

However....what helped me......talking to friends. Basically that- I have a really good friend I used to ring up in tears...but if you don't have that, write on here- it can be a grewat source of support and information and comfort, and can let you know that you are NOT alone.

What do you want to do at this point?

Do you want to contact him and see if he can give you closure (ie explain)/

Cos my ex never did, I have just had to accept things...sooo....what do you want to happen/do?
x

ChocolatePants · 23/06/2010 18:09

To be honest, it was a yo- yo relayionship until 7 months ago, but then a few months ago arguments started/ Has it not ALWAYS been a n up and down relationship/

I'm not having a go at you btw, just sometimes we try to view things an a rose tinted specs light- I know I tried for years.

prism · 23/06/2010 18:16

Count your blessings. I'm not being facetious- this really worked for me at a time when my heart was broken so much it actually hurt most of the time. I just went over the good things about my life one at a time, and I felt a lot better. You really aren't a failure, and one day I am absolutely sure you won't see it that way, but it does take time.

msboogie · 23/06/2010 18:22

I think the nightmare was the relationship - it doesn't sound as if there was much in it for you, to be honest.

Perhaps you are a little lonely and willing to settle for second best? you really shouldn't. This chap was using you, I'm afraid and you deserved better - at least he had the decently to admit as much.

Antalya1 · 23/06/2010 18:30

I want him to turn up somehow and show that he's hurting, and that he really regrets what he has done, but I know him, and as he would have already told all his family/frends, that would never happen, EVER, he would find it to embarrasing. Also he may be feeling pure relief. I wish that I could feel anger, but I just feel this overwhelming dispair. The hardest part is that he is just merrily getting along with his life whilst I'm in pieces. The ending was so sudden, that's left me reeling. I could never get in touch with him this time, normally in the past I would do the running, but I know that a cold reception and the rejection would destroy me - I can't take the chance, and he's probably moved on with someone else. I'm lucky I do have friends they have been wonderful, but I can only inflict this on them so much.

OP posts:
Antalya1 · 23/06/2010 18:43

Hi ChocolatePants,
yes after the first few months, it was up and down, you're situation does sound a nightmare..and yes you're right I am looking at it through rose coloured specs, but I tried so hard to make things work, I know that he did love me

OP posts:
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