DH and close friend fell out years ago....

[BeckyBendyLegs]

Five years ago a close friend of mine held a new year's eve party. I was supposed to go and warned her that I might not go as I was heavily pregnant at the time. I didn't go but sent DH instead. This friend was upset for a number of reasons:
I didn't tell her myself I wasn't going.
DH was late arriving (as were the other mutual friends he went with)
I didn't apologise the next day for not going (I was in the wrong about this definitely even though it was just because I didn't think and we'd chatted about other stuff so I'd assumed she was ok about it.)

So anyway a few days later this friend confronts me and the mutual friends about how uspet she was. I apologised profusely at this point. To cut a long and boring story short there were a few angry email exchanges and this friend got very upset saying 'everyone is getting at me'. DH intervenes and offers to visit her to talk to her to see if he can help her put the matter to bed. She refuses to see him (she's a bit scared of DH, perhaps because he trained as a lawyer!). And since then they haven't spoken. Although after about a year the friend just thought it was all forgotten. However, DH is still fuming and now REFUSES to go to any parties she might be at, will go away for the weekend if she visits me, refused to go to her daughter's Christening, and now a mutual friend is visiting from New Zealand who DH is very fond of but he is refusing to attend and I just want to scream with frustration. He is not budging. He still holds this silly grudge now. I've tried talking to him but it just ends up in us falling out and me crying. Any advice? This New Zealand friend will want to know where he is and as usual I'll have to make up some stupid excuse for him. I hate it. I don't understand why he can't just forgive and forget. It frightens me also because I think what if we ever fell out would he treat me this way? He once fell out with my mum and he didn't speak to her for 6 months it was absolutely horrific. I'd just had a baby as well. She came to visit, he'd go out. It was just hell. I don't get him. He only made up with her after lots and lots and lots of tears on my part.

Basically (if you are still reading this) I'm asking whether I should just let lie and leave him to his own little fuming world or try to persuade him that now after five years he ought to try to make the effort?

He sounds worryingly immature. Not talking to your Mum for 6m? I'd have put my foot down at that, he's making YOU look bad when he treats your mum like that.

If you want to go and see your friend from NZ, GO! Oh and if he's refusing to go, then he can look after your DC then can't he??? Let him see that HIS little flounces and tantrums do not affect the rest of the world.

And yes, I dare say that he would treat you like this if you were to fall out....

He has serious ishoos IMHO...

I wouldn't make excuses for him if I were you, I would inform him that if you are asked where he is, you will be telling NZ friend that he is home sulking like a two year old.
(disclaimer: Maybe this is why I'm single)

Fairylights

I was going to say the same. Don't lie or make excuses for him. Tell them the truth.

Go see your friend from NZ.

On the plus side at least you don't need to find a babysitter .

Well I'm going anyway and he has offered to take the day off work and look after the DSs. He's not an angry person, he just doesn't want to create a bad atmosphere by being there and him and this friend not knowing what to say to each other. If it were me I'd phone her up before hand to talk through it so that by the time they saw each other it'd be sorted out. But the longer it goes on the harder it gets. I guess I'm not a grudge holder whereas he is.

so what really happened?

It's all very well to say that he's being childish and should grow up etc etc, but tbh given they haven't spoken for five years, it sounds to me as if there is more to this than just a falling out over you not attending a party.

I would want to know exactly what happened before making judgements tbh - and I would want to know it from the both of them so I could be sure I had the facts straight.

There definitely isn't anything else. They really did just fall out over her not wanting him to visit and talk to her about why it happened. He can't understand why she didn't want to resolve it and make amends with her friends (who all eventually forgave her one by one for taking things too far). This friend has also fallen out with another friend I've just remembered, sadly with only a little friendship between them now, over the same new years eve party. I think initially DH wanted these two friends to make it up and he wanted to help. He felt upset that his efforts weren't appreciated and were in fact rejected. But now five years on this all seems really silly and petty to me and he is the one who loses out on not seeing other mutual friends when we all get together.

You are all coming across as about 10 years old

Either that, or something happened at this party that has been subject to a massive cover-up ever since

What AF said.

Still, I'd definitely go and tell the truth to both DH and friend. If they want to stand on opposite ends of the playground, going "ner ner ne-ner ner", leave 'em to it. You'll have a good time with your long-lost pals.

So, your friend is angry at DH and friends who are 'late' for a party, gets to confront you and the other friends, has 'angry' e-mail exchanges because she doesn't think your profuse apologies for missing her party are good enough ( heavily pregnant is a reason. not an excuse by the way and it was not her place to be angry with you for not going)and then turns down your DH's attempt to see her to put the matter to bed. And you think he is in the wrong? Sorry, she was totally out of order to get confrontational about people being late or not turning up to her party. Parties are optional, not required. She sounds as though she is the type of person who has to call all the shots in a relationship and that if she is not in control, she doesn't want to know. I feel sorry for your DH. He did nothing wrong, in fact he tried to help and yet you seem to be blaming him for it. Maybe your friend should consider an apology for the crappy way she treated you and your DH five years ago, and maybe then he will feel able to move on.

what she said ^ (SIHII)

Adults frequently act as ten year olds though, don't you think? You should come to my son's primary school and observe the playground dynamics between the bloody parents!!! Seriously. The PTA have just had a big bust up and one half is not talking, but are staring and sneering (and seriously bitching) at the other half so I don't think my DH and my friend are that strange really. I agree that they are acting like ten year olds but I just wanted a bit of advice really on how to get them to realise that they should act like adults without causing upset between DH and myself. He's very stubborn and very proud. He doesn't like backing down especially if he feels hurt.

My mum, who is 71 this year, fell out with her friend over her friend accidentally emailing her when she meant to email another friend asking her to keep my poor lonely mum company at a party! My mum was livid and refused to answer her friend's text messages of apology! We actually laughed about how these sort of antics don't change from childhood onwards, until you are in retirement. Honestly!

Sayithowitis you are soooo right! My friend is just like that. DH wanted to subtley tell her all that you've said without upsetting her so she could see why we all fell out with her and perhaps move on. But like you said she refused to see him (because she knew she was in the wrong perhaps).

I just wish DH would forget it now, it was five years ago, accept her for her faults (everyone has them - hers is that she's a control freak with relationships) and enjoy seeing our other friends together. Bygones and all that. I just want everyone to get on, that's all.

I'm not blaming DH for trying to help. I'm blaming him for refusing to forget about it five years on and making it hard for me whenever I see our friends to make excuses for him. I feel very sad actually and wish he could just forget it as he misses out on a lot things. I'm not cross with him at all. I just feel sad about it.

Sorry if I sound a bit inconsistent. I was quite angry this morning, feel calmer now. I do see his side of it but he's missing out seeing our New Zealand friend who we only see every few years.

Thanks for reading, everyone, by the way. I appreciate your comments, good and bad!

Accepting faults is one thing, but if anyone treated me the way you were both treated, I would still expect an apology from them. In order for him to accept her faults, I think she has to acknowledge that they are faults and maybe to try to work on improving that side of her. As things stand, she probably doesn't realise how hurtful she can be and as long as you and your other friends do not tell her, she will go on acting in this way.

I strongly believe that part of loving your children means you want others to like them as much as you do and to that end, we have a responsibility to bring them up to be the sort of people others like and want to have around. I don't see friendships as being any different. TBH, it almsot sounds as though you and the other friends are a little bit scared of her. I would be mortified if I thought my friends were scared of me! Maybe it would do everyone a favour to explain it to her, honestly and see what happens from there.

And if your Dh feels so strongly that he would miss out on seeing other friends, I think that tells you how hurt he must have been by what happened.

Oh my god she would freak if we sat her down and explained it all to her! She really can't see it and she'd accuse us of 'getting at her' again or something. I still see her as a good friend, so don't want to lose that, as on a one-to-one she's lovely - we've been friends for 18 years. I don't know. I guess I just have to leave the situation as it is. I wish I could persuade our New Zealand friend to come up to see us at our house but we live too far away from London where she is going to be based while over here. Ah well.

Well, if you are not prepared to explain it to her because you know what her reaction would be, you are clearly going to have to leave it as it is. But I wouldn't be making up excuses for DH. I would be telling your friends that he chooses not to come because he is uncomfortable in her company. And actually, if she is unable to accept her own faults, I really don't blame your DH for wanting nothing to do with her, because I wouldn't either!

Hope you can enjoy your time with your friends anyway.

Sayithowitis actually this has been really good because I started off thinking 'DH is a pain' and now you've got me thinking 'actually my friend has caused all this and because of her poor DH is missing out'. I want to be brave and talk to her but truth is I'm a big coward. However, I might do as you suggest and be honest and just say 'DH isn't here because he doesn't feel confortable in friend's company' just to see what happens! I'm sure they all know, it is just never said.

I do intend to enjoy the day but I will miss DH.

I am sure there is nothing else to it. Absolutely sure.

She is bonkers! She is very highly strung. Very self-centred and blinkered when it comes to other people. I do still like her though (mad, mad person I am!).