resolving feelings towards the ow

[globalmouse]

Hi
I am a new poster to mumsnet, although reading all the posts helped me tremendously when my exh had an affair. Basically, 18 months ago, my husband of 11 years left me and our young daughter for another woman.
Since we broke up, I came to realise our relationship was abuseive - I feel so stupid writing that, as I had become so used to the abuse that I thought it was normal until I had counselling Verbal, emotional, financial and some physical abuse. All low level, but enough for it to be regarded as abusive. I thought all relationships were like that

So, to cut to the chase, I guess 18 months on I do actually need to meet the ow at some point. She cant carry on hiding when exh picks up dd - it doesnt help dd I dont think. But although I really dont want exh back, my feelings toward ow are very odd.

On the one hand I am so grateful that she got me out of a horrible relationship. I had tried to leave before, but, as those of you who are have been in abusive relationships will know, it is rarely as easy as that. So I felt very liberated when he left, after I had come to terms with the affair. She really is welcome to him.

And on the other hand, I am so pissed off at her for the huge amount of emotional pain she and him gave me, and for the massive disrespect. Although I had tried to leave etc etc, the affair still shook me, and he batted back and forth between the 2 of us for a couple of months. My world fell apart, and it took me several months to come to terms with what had happened.

Has anyone been through anything similar?
Any advice?

You do need to meet her if she is looking after your DD. See if you can establish some sort of connection. You don't have to be friends but at least you can be civil.

As for the pain - well, no one ties married men to a bed and forces them to sleep with other people (and I say this as someone whose X was serially unfaithfull including with a colleague of min ). He is the one who took the vows, he is the one who betrayed you. I don't have much time for women who fool around with married men (because I think they are behaving idiotically) but they are not the scarlet harlots. He was a grown man and he was responsible for his choices. Nobody forced him to have the affair. If he had been committed to you he wouldn't have done it. Trying to blame her means shifting the responsibility away from him.

It sounds like you are well shot of him though. Take comfort in that and the good example you can set your DD by living a better life without him. You can show her that women don't need to be controlled by men. Who knows, maybe you'll meet someone who actually respects and cares for you and then she will see what a good relationship looks like

It's very likely he told her a pack of lies as well, just as he lied to you, so she may have believed she was saving a nice man from a horrible loveless relationship, or that you had already broken up but he had residual responsibilities to his ex (you). By now she's probably learned what he's really like, in which case she deserves your sympathy more than your disgust. Women are suckers for the lies men tell - if we weren't programmed that way the human race would die out within a generation.

ps no disrespect to honest, faithful men - they do exist - it's just that there aren't enough of them to go around!

Just feel sorry for her...she got the fucking booby prize there, didn't she ?

karma

yeah, I wouldn't waste time feeling angry with her, she's no doubt on the receiving end of the same sort of crap that you had to put up with by now.

She did you a favour, focus on that.

If she's going to be your DD's stepmother, you definitely need to try and get a civil relationship going with her.

My situation is different, my DH had an affair earlier this year and I met the OW. DH is currently with me and our 2 DCs, but he works with OW so she is still around. Things are by no means settled and I have sized her up as a stepmother for my children.

Do not make snide comments to her (although obviously she deserves them) because it will just bring you down to her level. If you conduct yourself with total dignity at all times, you will be better off in the long term, you will feel good about yourself and additionally in the short term, the OW is not going to go away thinking "no wonder he left her" etc. Also, you are more likely to get a workable relationship with her for matters relating to your DD. Although the OW has done something very wrong, you have no choice because she is in your DD's life now.

Abusive men leaving their wives just repeat the pattern. Soon enough, she will be taking exactly what you were taking. You just need to stay out of it and focus on your DD.

Pretty likely he told her your marriage was over etc.. as others have said.

Your ex has probably told her so much crap about you she's scared of you and thus hiding.

Thanks for all your responses.
I do need to focus on the 'karma' issue really - there is no doubt in my mind that she is now getting what I got. Its just an odd sitiation, being both grateful to her and pissed off with her...
Anyway, I do need to meet her for dds sake, so I called exh today to discuss it, and he went on about how awful she feels about the whole thing etc etc etc, and just wants everything to be resolved. I do think she is scared of me. Which in a strange way does make me feel a little less annoyed, and maybe a little sorry for her...

You sound well shot of him, what would you want someone like that for? Doesn't really matter about her.

Don't blame yourself for not realising your relationship was abusive, these happen by stealth and it's not always easy to see when you are suffering, dealing with it from to day. I'm sure that your ex hasn't changed though, but you are not responsible for their relationship, give yourself a break x