Is this normal? (sex question)

[FrogInAJacuzzi]

I'm a bit puzzled and worried. Last night my DH and I were having sex, and he almost completely lost his erection when he tried to enter me. Bit of background - we're both 45, have 2 DC, one with SN. Life is fairly stressful, but not particularly so at the moment. We're both in reasonable health, drinking is def not the problem. And this has NEVER happened before - not even once. He has always had a very active libido - more so than mine, and I always felt that he wasn't getting nearly as much sex as he would have liked.

Our sex life was a bit intermittent for several years due to my DC's sleeping problems, but in the last few months we've resumed normal service IYKWIM - about once or twice a week. So nothing excessive, but about average for people our age? Anyway, last night he initiated it and seemed very up for it (pun intended). I was giving him oral, which we both enjoy very much, but then when he tried to penetrate - he just suddenly wasn't hard anymore. So then he asked me to suck him again and - hey presto - all back up to fully upright and he finished soon after.

I know it might be a bit silly to get worried after just one occasion - but it really hasn't happened to us before, and there were no mitigating circumstances - everything was quite normal. Has this happened to anyone else (not counting drink-related droopiness) and is it something that just happens as blokes get older? It just seems so out of the blue and strange that he was so aroused both before and after.
There has been some emotional distance between us but again, nothing new, and do most men even notice that sort of thing anyway?
I feel a bit rattled this morning I have to say.

I think it's pretty normal and I do hope you haven't made him think it's some sort of cataclysmic disaster, your OP comes across as a bit horrified

I think you just have to see if it happens again. It could be a one off. Don't mention anything and see if it happens again.

Erections aren't something that the man just switches on and off at will. Maybe he had a sudden twinge of back-ache and that distracted him. Maybe his erection just went of its own accord. It happens.

As BalloonSlayer says, though, I'd not make a big deal out of this if I were you otherwise you could promote performance anxiety and that can be a serious problem.

DH has occasionally had this problem without any apparent reason. He has always had a lower sex drive than me but I try not to put any "performance" pressure on him and if it "goes limp" then so be it . However, we still maintain an active sex life. I totally agree with others - the more you make of this the worse it may get.

Can you tell us more about the emotional distance?

You know your husband best, so of you think it was an odd thing to happen, then it was.
I would be concerned in your situation too, my DH (44) has never had that happen, even after quite a lot to drink, erections generally don't just disappear, they take a while to "fade" even after ejaculation normally.
I agree about not making it a big deal but definitely keep an eye out, it could be the start of a problem, is his general health/blood pressure etc. good?

Ginseng and gingko biloba are the best things for a man (or woman) of our age, they are especially good for sexual function, including micro-circulation such as genital blood flow.

If it does happen again, then think about getting a cock ring for him as it will trap the blood and his erection will stay put.

Are his reflex erections still happening frequently? That is the single best way of finding out a man's sexual function. 5 - 7 a night are normal, is he always hard in the morning? ( he should be) if not then get him and his prostate checked out .

It can happen to most men at some point. Like Snorbs said, a sudden twinge of cramp, or a sudden worrying or distracting thought can cause willies to wilt. It's also more likely to happen as a bloke gets older but (if everything else is all right between the two of you) please don't make this into a massive big deal or you will make it a far greater problem than it probably is.

I never knew that willies can wilt instantaneously. How, the blood can't just flow back out instantly can it?

Admittedly I've only got DH's to go on ( ), but he takes 15 minutes or so to go back down and that's after climax. He has wait a while when he wakes up to be able to go for a pee too.

As I said before, as long as a bloke is getting reflex erections in his sleep, there is usually nothing physically wrong.

Hopefully it's a one off.

Thanks for the responses, all. I haven't made a big deal of it, in fact didn't say anything. We both came (I had to do myself IYKWIM) and then chatted for a while - the usual.

I didn't want to go into too much detail, but there was a brief delay between me giving oral and us getting together for the main event, and although it was foreplay, it was for me. So he probably didn't wilt instantaneously, and he wasn't completely flaccid but it did deflate quite quickly from my experience of him. Malificence, as you said, it normally takes longer for him to go down, and like your DH, this has NEVER, EVER happened - he's the sort of bloke that's always up for it. I think he was as surprised as me when he couldn't get it in (and not because I wasn't ready - sorry for TMI ). Then when I took him in my mouth again, he got harder again, and came very fast, which isn't like him. He will always try to satisfy me first. So altogether a very unusual and strange encounter for us - which is why I was and still am confused . I'm obviously hoping it's an isolated event. I will definitely keep an eye on the situation as regards start of a possible health problem. He isn't getting younger, is quite overweight, has a stressful job, and although doesn't smoke, has blood pressure problems and doesn't exercise. He's been on blood pressure and cholesterol meds for years, and I know these medications can cause erection problems, but it has never caused a problem before. When I suggested that he go for a check up at the doctor recently because he's had a bit of a cough that won't go away, he just refused to go.

We don't sleep together and haven't for years. I know this sounds peculiar, but my DD has autism and I slept with her for a long time. Now that she is sleeping independently, we still sleep apart. This is more to do with the emotional distance issues in our relationship. Having a child on the spectrum has taken it's toll, no doubt about that. He's retreated into working very long hours, I'm left to do the bulk of the caring/housework and also work PT. He knows how I feel - I've seen a therapist - but he won't consider counselling. As I mentioned earlier, he even finds it difficult speaking to a doctor about physical problems.

Maybe it's a combination of things. I'm trying not to overreact but it's always disconcerting when something like this happens for the first time and for no apparent reason. I always felt that the sex was one of the main things holding us together as a couple, so if that starts to go....bugger.

I'd have thought the erection loss was pretty normal and nothing to worry about at the moment.

However, you say about emotional distance and still sleeping apart even though your daughter is sleeping independently now. Do you think that perhaps moving back into the same bed could help? I mean, sleeping apart is going to automatically put a barrier up between you, isn't it? If you attempt to remove the physical barrier, then it might help you to start to remove the emotional barriers too

I heartily agree with posters who say that if this is a one-off and there is nothing else going on in the relationship, don't make a big deal of it and don't worry.

But I don't think that's the case, reading your posts. A few things stand out for me.

You say he's "retreated" to working long hours, leaving you doing the bulk of domestic and child-care tasks. You've gone to counselling because you're feeling bad about this, but he won't. And sorry if this is intrusive, but why did you have to get yourself to orgasm? Why didn't he do that for you?

If you're still sleeping separately, is this your decision, or his? If yours, how does he feel about this? Is there anything in you that is punishing him, by doing this?

Finally, could there be anything else going on with him, i.e. an affair or the potential for one?

I would have that cough checked out too. Did he not try to stop from coming in your mouth so you could have another go at errr the "main event"??

The whole encounter was strange and felt "off" to me. I can't really explain - he didn't seem like himself if that makes any sense, almost trying too hard (no pun intended ). Possibly he just didn't feel like it but didn't want to let me down, although he had no trouble getting an erection and was the one to initiate it.

andreaaa he didn't try to stop from coming but the whole thing was so far from how it is normally for us. Normally he even asks if it's OK to come in my mouth and would only climax if I had already or if he was sure I was about to. The cough does bother me but he's a grown man and I can't force him to go to the doc. He says it's just a post-nasal/sinus thing but I don't think it is.

wwifn Regarding an affair - I doubt it but how many others have thought that and been wrong? He certainly has the opportunity for it - goes away on business a lot and recently (within the last 2 months) came home at 5:30 after pulling an all-nighter. He hasn't had to do this before in his current job and it made me feel a little thoughtful.
I've never had to finish off by myself before TBH - he's usually a very considerate lover. I think we were both a bit thrown by what happened. It's got to be a shock for a man to run out of steam mid-shag for the first time.

The sleeping situation has just become a habit I suppose. I'm not intentionally sleeping apart to punish him - he chose to start sleeping part from me when DD was born and that was 11 years ago, long before she was diagnosed at around 3. I think he has always been quite OK with me sleeping with her - like many kids with autism she has disturbed sleep patterns and me being in with her has saved him having to get up at night.
We both just seem happy to sleep apart at this stage and I suppose that is a huge indicator of how badly things have gone wrong in our relationship.

The "work-as-coping-strategy" is apparently quite common among men with kids on the spectrum, according to my therapist (who is also a man with a DS who has an ASD). My DH won't talk about emotional issues. God knows I've tried - it always ends up in a row. We are both just sticking our heads in the sand with regards to many things, I suppose. If I was feeling better about our relationship I don't think I would be feeling such a sense of unease about this glitch in the bedroom department. I mean, you can only suppress these issues for so long before it all starts spilling over into other areas.
Maybe I should develop a spine and tackle this head on..

it's very common

Frog, you sound pretty stressed and so does your DH. That's reason enough for glitches in the bedroom department and, with what you said about his health/fitness, should signify no more than a bad day.

The other things you wrote about seem to suggest wider concerns: most importantly, the fact that sex felt 'off' to you, and that he was (in my own words) behaving quite selfishly on that occasion. For various reasons, I think your intuition's working well and - even if this doesn't happen again for a while - your relationship could do with some tlc.

Whether this could be mainly a health issue with your H, or mainly emotional, I don't know. It's striking that you thought to mention his cough. Is there something unusual about it? Are you especially sensitive to coughs, perhaps following some respiratory disease in your family? Why won't he go to the doctor?

Before I add this, I must tell you that (despite my advanced age!) I've never slept with a man over 42. I have, however, had experiences similar to the one you described. They turned out to be infidelity-related. Does your intuition suggest any such thing?

In general, how do you feel about your husband and your marriage? Although you told WWIFN you aren't resentful towards him, your life as you describe it sounds like very hard work - with a partner who's often absent, doesn't sleep with you and isn't in the greatest shape. Do you feel rather as though you are a single parent sometimes?

Do you & he still have fun together? I am sorry for the 20 questions here - of course, you don't have to answer. Hope you're having a better day when you read this

I genuinely don't think the odd soft-off is anything to worry about. My DP is around your age, I'm younger. He is fine 99% of the time, but occasionally it goes a bit floppy, tbh. Usually recovers 10 mins or so later. Also tends to happen when we go from the oral to actual sex.

"Soft-off"

secunda thanks for your response - I do feel reassured to hear from others that it's fairly normal. I suppose I got a bit freaked out because it never happened before. We're all getting older - can't expect them to perform like 20-year olds anymore

IsGraceAvailable I am having a better day today, thanks for the kind thoughts. I think it was just a bad day but still can't shake the feeling that something is not right. My marriage isn't ideal and you've hit the nail on the head with regards to me feeling like a single parent most of the time. Even my DD's speech therapist, who has become quite involved in my situation, has commented on how little involvement DH has with her - never drops her off/picks her up from school, doesn't attend parent's meetings and so on.

Having a child on the spectrum is immensely stressful - it's very hard on the parents, the siblings and on marriages. To make matters more difficult, I have absolutely no family support network. IME with families where there are kids with an ASD, the rate of divorce/separation is a lot higher than the average. I have thought seriously about separation, but I'm also concerned that it might make my life even harder. We should really go to couples counselling but my DH won't consider it.

I feel a bit adrift at the moment and floundering, IYKWIM. I know that I should do something, but I don't really know what and I can't fix things on my own in any event. It takes all my resources - emotional and physical - to just keep things more on less on track. I can't seem to find the energy for dealing with anything beyond the day-to-day.